Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

 

 

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

...Reality Blues. The Emotional Aftermath.

Damn me again.

What am I doing?

My heart chakra feels extremely overwhelmed. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I know I'm extra sensitive because of my period, but I also know and admit this goes deeper. Fuck.

I honestly don't understand why I behave the way I do… its like, I forget about dignity, about his behavior, the way I feel afterwards, when he's still not around. :/

I told myself that I wouldn't reach out, that I would let it go…. Only to compromise with my ego and my heart by wanting to contact him one last time. He was invited to the same party but I wasn't really expecting him to go to the club, although part of me felt he would. That part of me fantasized about a night of fun filled situations where he'd come to me because he simply couldn't stay away. Others where he'd come to my rescue like a knight in shining armor ready to defend my honor. I'm silly, I know.

Thing is, my fantasies all happened. He couldn't stay away, he saved me a couple of times, was sweet and protective, also possessive and playful. That’s the thing, when I'm around him, everything seems fine, fun, exciting. I forget about his dickish behavior and get lost in the moment.

He knows this well enough. He also knows how I feel about him, and knows my weaknesses and my sweet spots. He knows my body and knows my body remembers his touch only too well.

Fuck. Me.

I have feelings for him. He just wants my body… or at least that’s how it feels. He'll always want me, he'll always crave me. But this isn't enough to make him want to stick around.

Shit. Admitting this is definitely hurting.

Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? He's sooo short, and chubby, AND HAIRY! dorky, and such a Dick!! I feel like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she realizes she has feelings for Charlie. He's short, bald, and hairy. lol
Oh gosh, I got it bad. Thinking about his stupid laugh puts a smile on my face. When I first met him it was soooo annoying! Now, when I think about it, it makes me laugh or at the very least smile.

We had such a good time last night, everything was perfect. He was perfect, right until we both fell asleep.

He made love to me with such passion and intensity, kissed me the entire time, whispered sweet little nothings… I'm getting lost in my reminiscent moment. He even held me most of the night… it was almost perfect.

Right around dawn he reverted back to Dick behavior.

The morning felt like it was just a selfish fuck. I'm not saying I didn't want it, because I'm admitting that my body language was asking for more… he though I was asleep and said, "Sele, wake up." followed by him pressing against me as I'm faced down. He only lasted as long as it took him to cum. It was still really good, and I was really close but didn't get to finish. He had reverted to full Dick mode by this point.

We both went to sleep after this. When we woke up a couple of hours later, the energy he was giving off was a bit more distant. The ride home was playful, light and fun. I can't seem to hold a grudge with this guy.  Can't remember to forget you is definitely the theme song of this relationship.

When I'm around him, I'm happy and careless. I was enjoying the last few moments with him… I feel like such a junkie.

A junkie. :SIGH: What a description.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I feel so strongly about this guy. Its frustratingly annoying. I know that these were choices I made, and therefore I should face the consequences they bring. I just feel I can't think clearly when I'm near him, my body wants him, my heart wants to be near him, I crave his presence.

Draining Distractions and a bit of Depression (PBP 2014 wk 8)

I got back from my Austin getaway feeling more drained than when I got there. I had a fantastic time with my friends, and a less than an ideal time with the little hiccups we encountered on our way back. All in all, it was a successful trip. It sort of makes me wish my life was where it needs to be, and not where it is now. I see myself moving back to Austin and living the life I'm meant to be living, close to my friends and the city I've grown to love so much.

Patience is a virtue.

Part of me gets SO frustrated with my current situation, specifically my mother's Taurus ways. I feel like I just want to walk away...   My ego wants me to say, FUCK IT!

...and at times, I do. Or at least to different degrees.  My spirit, my heart chakra, my loving side tells me to be patient and to try and understand the other person's perspective. At times this is easy to do, but every once in a while, it gets pretty fucking hard.

I was doing SO great with MAY CAUSE MIRACLES, I was on track, learning, feeling, growing... and then my trip happened and drinking happened, and DISTRACTIONS happened. This is no excuse of course, my choices, my actions. I got caught up in the happy feelings and the excitement that came with spending a few days with the people I love the most.

I know that my drinking was definitely self destructive behavior, but I don't know. This time, it was like a purging or a "one-last-night" of fun debauchery.

I feel I've been doing that since the year started. I keep eating things outside my diet, I keep telling myself that I'll start over next Monday, next new moon, next month and when the time comes, I choose to indulge instead of start over. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's only February. I just feel that I need to get back on track before I get back in the state I was before.

I worked on a cleansing over the Full Moon last week. I even incorporated Crystals in my bath ^_^ ... I felt GREAT! The energy was high and full. I was expecting myself to jump back on track this past Monday but my sexcapade and my eating habits had me pushing my DIET back yet another week. By now, I have a feeling that this will come to full circle during the dark of the moon / new moon at the end of the month.

I ordered some stones and crystals from amazon. Got some pink quartz, green quartz, and a new set of lapiz lazuli rune stones. I plan on incorporating these in a healing grid over the new moon to help me get back on my healing track and achieve my goals. I've been dealing with some chronic issues that are in definite need of alignment and balance. I feel that I finally have, or at least I will have, all the necessary items to optimize my return to balance. I'm treating my issues with western and eastern medicine: chakra alignment, natural remedies, diet changes, and medication. I feel Archangel Raphael has pointed me in the right direction, I trust that He's guiding me and helping me heal. ^_^

It's all about timing.

I should have the last items by the 28th, I can work on the ritual and work with the Dark of the Moon to purge myself of any remaining negative behavior, thoughts, people, or energies so I can begin anew with the New Moon.

My distractions have kept me procrastinating and extending my sabbatical. I want to believe that this is my body's way of taking a break before getting back on track; perhaps I've been pushing it back because I needed to experience what I did just a bit ago... another DISAPPOINTMENT that is definitely having me wanting to let go and cut chords that keep me linked to these people or these energies.

I seriously just had a pretty intense crying episode over Justin ending our friendship the most cowardly way possible... by unfriending me. He gave me no explanation, he said nothing. He crossed my mind and when I went to his page I realized he had blocked me from seeing his wall. I asked and that's when I realized he unfriended me. I blocked him after that... and ugly cried for quite a bit.

It reminded me of when Rhena ended our friendship because I was a witch. I cried for a week...

I don't know what's going on with Justin. I know he tried calling me recently and I was a bit busy at the time. I can't think of anything that would make him behave in such a way. Maybe his ego was bruised when I didn't pick up, I don't know and I guess it no longer matters. His so called feelings were just a passing fad I guess.

I'm done crying. Writing helps.

I've been a bit depressed this week. I feel as if the St. Valentine's day blues were just delayed a week. Sagittarius guy is on my mind, but this little Justin episode is definitely making me stronger. Which means, THERE IS NO WAY I'M REACHING OUT TO THIS IDIOT now. He doesn't care, and having him show me yet again that he doesn't care will only upset me more.

I thought I would reach out one last time, I wanted to be strong and just put it all out there. I wanted to follow LOVE and feelings and just jump and put myself out in the open, I wanted to let him know straight from my mouth that I have feelings for him, that I want to try a relationship with him. That I miss and want things to go back to how they were at first... I wanted to do this. To just rip off the bandage and take it from there. Either move forward or move on... but now, now I feel that I should just let it go now. There's no point in dragging it out any longer. As I type this, my heart chakra aches .. :sigh:

I know this is my Ego talking, being afraid of rejection...

Perhaps I'll drunk message him one last time this weekend. Then I'll know for sure, and then I can at least not have any regrets. If I'm drunk, there are no inhibitions. I can be honest and careless and if it doesn't turn out to be what I want, then I'll just drink some more and dance the night away. Then I can purge myself, cut chords, and remove him completely with the Dark of The Moon.

I want to be balanced and happy. I understand I need to experience certain situations that will teach me whatever lessons I need in order to move forward. I am mindful of my feelings and I honor myself by loving myself unconditionally.

:) I trust that I will make the best out of every situation, even if I stumble along the way, I'll eventually find my way. :)

In dire need of a Chakra realignment (PBP 2014 wk 6)

I'm going through an emotional hiccup. My heart chakra feels as it did before, overactive. I'm overly emotional, and very sensitive as of lately.

I feel everything.

It's not uncontrollable or too overwhelming, but its enough to have me crying at the encounter of any triggers. I feel a bit depressed. It's not bad really, actually, I wouldn't say depressed, I'm just avoiding human interaction... and not really caring about my appearance. I look insane and I could care less. I'm considering a shower but maybe I'll do that after I'm done with yoga, which will be after this post. See, Yoga! that's definitely a sign I'm NOT depressed. My family is going through their own turmoil, their energies are really high or low, at times conflicting and offensive. I don't have the energy for that. I'm doing my thing, getting my life together one day at a time.

I feel I should be more involved with my family; like, I should help them more in their journey... and, I want to, I'm just going through my own journey. I'm not ready to be the pillar of strength when I feel a bit shaky myself.

I'm too sensitive at the moment. My mom is stressed and tends to lash out, I get it. I just don't appreciate her lashing out at me. I want to help out more, but I don't have the energy. Same with my sister, she's going through some inner struggles, she's soul searching. According to my mom, she's in a dark place. I've known this for so long that I had forgotten I was the only one that really understood where these issues stemmed from. Mom got a glimpse and it scared her. I just support my sister the best way I can. I keep her in my prayers and I am there when she needs me, when she reaches out for me. I can't really force her to speak to me. She's a Sagittarius, she works on her own terms. If I approach her before she's ready she lashes out, and I don't feel like dealing with that either.

I started May Cause Miracles on Monday, and I'm focusing on changing my life for good. I know that this guidebook will help me find the way. I would looove to share this experience with my sister, but she's a skeptic and I doubt she'll want to do this with me. I think that I will suggest it once I'm done with the 40 days and she sees the change for herself. This way, she'll be more open to giving it a try. :) Here's to hoping! In the mean time, I will work on sending some positive loving energy her way.

I have to say, the support of The Wild Spirit Tribe is really helping me focus. The support of like-minded individuals that are going through similar issues definitely helps to balance my magical path with my mundane life. Plus, it's freaking awesome!!! We have access to a vast library of tools for virtually every aspect of our magical journey! Jess Carlson has created a pretty neat community that is there to help us grow and find our true inner guidance as pagans, witches, and spiritual beings. With Jess, we have support on the tribe and on the facebook groups as well as monthly calls that allow us to be more interactive and action driven. Depending on which groups you're in, we have multiple calls a month and unlimited access to the tribe and her counsel! I can't stop raving! I mean, come on! She's responsible for THE PAGAN BLOG PROJECT!! haha

I'm loving the Tribe! Some members I've known since my journey began, others I met through the tarot and angel course, and they continue to be strong members of my life and my spiritual community. There's so much to do, so much to learn, so much to accomplish and experience that there's no room for negativity or fears.

I know that I'm going through an emotional patch, and this too is a learning experience. Matters of the heart seem to be my Achilles heel. haha hence why I feel it's time for a chakra realignment. I feel somewhat unstable. It's not too bad, just learning experiences. I'd like to be completely centered. I love to feel, and I know and understand that feelings sometimes include aches. I know these are all learning experiences...

... I just went through like 10 minutes of trying to put into words how I'm feeling towards this guy, and it made no sense! How annoying! haha I feel clouded. I need a chakra realignment. In our angel course we're doing healing work with our Angels. This is the perfect opportunity to do some healing and chakra realignment. I need to center myself. I'll work on a chakra realignment ritual over the next few days. I need to be Zen again. :)

AHS: Coven & The Bell Jar = my trip into Crazy town (PBP 2013 wk 5)

C stands for Coven and Crazy, of course...

American Horror Story (AHS) Coven had it's final episode of the season this past Wednesday, and in spite of the criticism it receives from people that don't like it, I still think it's THE BEST AHS so far. I love the theme song, the imagery, the characters, and the spells! My favorite spell was the one where they create a maze, cast a circle with stacks of money, release white mice and take over the corporation, it was definitely a bit more realistic. I absolutely looove their search for their new Supreme and Fiona's power struggle to keep her position as Queen of The Coven. I love that this season was all about witches, and covens, and magic! It's the Season of The Witch... and Power is the main theme.

As a witch, I can relate. I know that our abilities are not supernatural the way t.v. portrays them to be. We certainly can't perform any of the 7 wonders, but sometimes, when we manifest our intentions, when we gain insight, or grow our abilities, well, it sort of feels a bit supernatural. I'm still incredibly amazed when I manifest changes or things I need in my life. I grow each and every day and I love it.

I've noticed my own clairsenses growing, specifically, my clairvoyance, which is the lowest clairsense I have. I'm not saying I can see into the future, or that I get meaningful visions just yet, but my meditations feel a bit more... what's the word I'm looking for? I don't know, they feel palpable, somewhat concrete.

I'm still learning how to control and accept these experiences. Some sessions feel as if I've made some major breakthrough --learned something new, reached a new level of understanding. I get this big AHA moment, but then, I fall asleep and when I wake up, the AHA moment is gone. I feel this is because I tend to stay in meditation longer than I should, and I have yet to gain full control of my visions or what they mean to me. So by the time I'm conscious again, I've forgotten everything. :/ As of the last few days, my dreams have had quite the number of BIG messages. I wake up with a feeling of understanding, like everything is moving along as it should. Like my questions have been answered, but of course, I don't remember any specifics. Practice makes perfect; I know that with patience and perseverance I'll grow this sense until I'm able to understand the messages I receive.

Which leads me to, The Bell Jar. I don't know if you remember but back in week one or two I posted about Ariel and how I felt there was a message there since I kept crossing paths with something that pointed towards the little mermaid. Silly I know, anyway, in the process, I came across Sylvia Plath's Ariel and consequently, The Bell Jar. At the time, I was going through a stage of self doubt. When I read the description of The Bell Jar, I immediately connected with the character, and this scared me a bit. I even felt it was like an omen that would pin point my demise. Haha Yea, CRAZY, I know. I feel like Esther narrating her inner dialogues and sharing them with the world.

I've been depressed. I've considered suicide, I've felt insane at times, irrational and very hopeless. I knew that reading this book would shine a light into those old painful memories. I was afraid.

I was afraid what this would unravel for me, of the hidden message this might bring to me. I was afraid of unleashing this omen that would change me for good. This book is the story of a woman falling into the grip of insanity. Sylvia Plath's novel is shockingly realistic and intensely emotional. I sympathized and empathized with her, I understood her darkness and her obsessions fall down the abysm. I came back.

I actually got the audiobook a few weeks ago, but was debating whether I should even listen to it. I meditated on it for weeks, and after one of those big AHA moments I learned that The Bell Jar was a message, not an omen.

When I finally got around to creating a playlist and I heard Maggie Gyllenhaal's voice, I knew I was in for a GREAT novel. I was immediately hooked, Sylvia Plath's descriptive narration engrossed my every sense and Maggie's narration has me wanting to hear this book all over again.

In my opinion, Esther wasn't insane, she was depressed. She was a woman like any other, obsessed with big and small matters, over thinking, over analyzing, lost and confused. She dared to speak and was written off as a hysterical insane woman and sent to the crazy house for shock treatment. If she had been treated with compassion and understanding by a doctor that had her needs in mind, she would've never hit rock bottom. But alas, this is what makes this novel so hauntingly intense.

I have yet to decipher the message that's attached to the whole Ariel / Sylvia Plath sign; and even though I'm curious about what this could mean, I'm also patient. I know that I will understand it right when I'm intended to; I learned a great deal about myself from reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I'm intrigued by Plath and her work; next on my list, Ariel. I hope I will gain more insight into this Ariel message, but until then, I'll ask for clarity and see what I get. 

On Becoming & BANGERZ (PBP 2014 wk 3)

I have to say, 2014 is starting out AWESOMELY!!! I honestly can not contain myself with how many blessings I'm receiving. I'm incredibly thankful because the Universe is providing me with the tools I need to become who I'm meant to be.

Life is great. ^_^

I'm still dealing with minor hiccups {love, relationships, changes} but overall life is pretty damn great. yay!

The Universe is definitely supporting my efforts. I'd been thinking about a tablet or a laptop in order to maximize my productivity. I need portability and accessibility, and was actually going to purchase my friends laptop. I was putting the funds together and was about to ask him for it, when he shows up Saturday with one of his tablets! {Which happens to be a tablet AND a full computer.} HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!

I have to say, I was a bit unsure about windows 8 but OH EM GEE! It's AMAZING! I'm being sooo productive. I can't believe how much easier it is to have access to everything on the go. The Cloud is AWESOME! I'm just in awe. I'm not tech savvy but I'm definitely learning a great deal from this device. The point of this, I needed a better way to keep on track of my schedule, my spiritual growth, personal growth, and productivity and this facilitates my growth. The Universe heard my call and is supporting my cause. I'm BECOMING who I want to be.

I'll soon have access to a new world of opportunities that will lead me towards a more prosperous and financially stable life.

I feel GREAT about the course I'm following, and extremely determined to achieve my goals and dreams.

I've decided to focus more on myself and my personal growth instead of Sagittarius guy and our complicated "relationship." He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine.. we are no longer anything... there's no point in denying this anymore. There's no point on pinning or longing... I developed feelings but I'll get over them, I've gotten over more intense situations in the past.

As of lately, I've been obsessed with Miley Cyrus's new album, BANGERZ. haha Ironic since I was part of the crowd that was all super judgmental about her overly sexual coming of age. I mean, I'm open about sexuality in general, but Miley's overnight over sexual raunchy behavior had me judging her actions, and more importantly her influence over her fans. She's talented, no denying that, but her choices are less than desirable since she's in the public eye.

This still doesn't justify my unnecessary judgment, I should not judge others because I don't know their own personal demons. This girl has her own inner demons, and she's dealing with them the best she can. When I finally got a chance to listen to her entire album I realized and understood why she'd gone through such a radical change. This girl went through her first real heartbreak, she fell hard, she was naïve, she gave it her all and when she couldn't make it work out, she faced the music and poured her heart out into her work. You can feel her pain, her anguish, but also her strength. Miley is strong! I mean, she went through a very public heartbreak, and she picked herself up and shared it with the whole world. Now, her actions were not the best choices to make, but hey, we all make mistakes, and even more so when we are young, foolish, and in love.

I'm identifying with her album for some reason. You can hear her love, her passion, her anguish, her strength... she's putting it out there, which says a lot. It's like, she made one last effort to show her ex how much she really loves him, and at the same time, she's letting him know that she's strong enough to be alone and live on without him. I'm seriously obsessed with the album, something I never thought I would say.  The girl is talented, and the collaborations she made in this album definitely gave it the edge she's after.

I decided to share one her songs here and went to youtube to search; coincidentally enough, the song I was thinking of was on the home screen, so I'm sharing it....

... she's still reaching out. This video is overly sexual in a way, but it's because she's reaching out to him. She's so very young, and inexperienced, I was there once so I can relate. She's reaching for him, so he remembers how it used to be between the two... their sex life, their intimate moments, their relationship together. She made this song the first one of her album for that same reason, so he would know that she still loves him, that she needs him, and that he's "the one."

I came across this other video while looking through her vevo page; I was actually obsessed with the song a few years ago. My first time watching it, and wow, he was her first real love. The lyrics alone were enough to move me, understanding that this girl fell hard and is now dealing with the loss of her first real love, makes it that much more special.

First loves ... you never forget those.

Relationships are hard, I don't care who you are.

My love life is the only place where I experience hiccups and mishaps... I'm a hopeless romantic and I fall too quickly. It takes me forever to find someone I actually like, and when I do, I confuse sex with love.

I was watching the latest episode of The Carrie Diaries, and one of the characters immediately reminded me of myself. She realized and accepted this about herself, and attempted to change her natural instincts in order to have a meaningful relationship. The episode is called, Hungry Like the Wolf. It's interesting how much insight we gain from the way that we relate to others.

My best friend describes my relationships as "hybrid." I have a "hybrid relationship theory" it seems, where I want to hang out and spend time with the guy I like, without having to define anything prematurely. I want to just have fun and enjoy my time with said guy without rushing into anything.  Sagittarius guy wanted me to be his, he wanted me to be his girlfriend right from the get go, and I simply couldn't do that. this doesn't mean I didn't want to spend time with him, I just didn't need the pressure or expectations so early on the relationship. Nestor says I completely skip the dating phase of the relationship and jump to the intimate bf / gf behavior almost from the start.

 

He's right, in a way. The truth is, I don't know how to date. I never have. I didn't date throughout high school, I was sort of oblivious when it came to guys liking me. I didn't lose my virginity until I was in college, I was 20 and I decided I was ready. No relationship, just a guy I knew, and it happened only once. I didn't have sex again until 6 months after and it was a casual relationship. I had casual relationships for about 2 semesters, the college experience. Then I fell in love, and everything changed for me. After my first actual  break up I did what any sad girl would do, cried, then tried to find a distraction. This distraction was the catalyst for my radical change. I experienced a terrible event, lost myself along the way. It took me over 2 years to find a glimpse of who I used to be. That's about the time I got involved with Collin. Fell hard, head over heels hard. He'd been the only one that's mattered for such a long time. I got over him, stayed single and abstinent for almost a year after our last relapse. I hadn't felt that sort of attraction in such a long time, or at least not one that I wanted to pursue.  That's until I met Sagittarius guy. Sagittarius guy makes my heart race and my stomach flutter, but what was at first, how he treated me, how he wanted me, how special he made me feel... that is long gone. It's time to accept that and focus on me.

 

I need to set aside all these feelings and unnecessary emotions in order to focus on who I'm becoming. The Universe is supporting my needs, I trust that it will provide me with someone that will bring even more happiness into my life when the time is right.

 

My mantra for the year is :

 

 

Angelic Numbers (PBP 2014 wk 2)

I often find myself looking at patterns on the clock. Everyone loves the 11:11 make a wish game we play with ourselves, we do it without really knowing why. For a while, I'd look down at the clock and see 4:44, or 3:33, I'd even wake up in the middle of the night at exactly 3:33 on multiple occasions. I liked the patterns, I found them comforting and magical. I've always been drawn to numbers and numerology, math just makes sense. I find little messages in time, like, signs in number patterns. If I get a call at a certain time I'll quickly look at the numbers and assess the numerology meaning or the overall energy of the set. It's like second nature.

I knew that 444 was angelic in some way from reading one of Doreen's oracle booklets, but I had no idea what the other patterns meant. I made a mental note to look into it and surely enough, I came across this blog post. So I'm sharing it, full credit goes to the blogger who put it together and of course, Doreen Virtue.

It's short and sweet and straight to the point, and it explains why the 111 pattern works as wishful thinking, the Universe is listening. ^_^



ANGEL NUMBERS

Here is an excerpt from the book “Angel Numbers” by Doreen Virtue & Lynette Brown (this is just a taste – you have to read the book for more!). Doreen Virtue is also the creator of many angel card decks – her cards are featured here, above.

111 – Monitor your thoughts carefully, and be sure to only think about what you want, not what you don’t want. The sequence is a sign that there is a gate of opportunity opening up, and your thoughts are manifesting into form at record speeds. The 111 is like the bright light of a flash bulb. It means that the universe has just taken a snapshot of your thoughts and is manifesting them into form. Are you pleased with what thoughts the universe has captured? If not, correct your thoughts…ask your angels to help you with this if you have difficulty controlling or monitoring your thoughts.

123 — Simplify your life. Get rid of anything that’s pulling at your energy, time, or finances—especially anything that pulls you away from your life purpose. The ascended masters are helping you with this simplification.

222 — Have faith. Everything’s going to be all right. Don’t worry about anything, as this situation is resolving itself beautifully for everyone involved.

333 — The Ascended Masters are near you, desiring you to know that you have their help, love and companionship. Call upon the Ascended Masters often, especially when you see the number 3 patterns around you. Some of the more famous Ascended Masters include: Jesus, Moses, Mary, Quan Yin and Yogananda.

444 — Thousands of angels surround you at this moment, loving and supporting you. You have a very strong and clear connection with the angelic realm, and are an Earth angel yourself. You have nothing to fear—all is well.

555 — Buckle your seatbelts. A major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being “positive” or “negative” since all change is but a natural part of life’s flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continuing seeing and feeling yourself to be at peace.

666 — Your thoughts are out of balance right now, focused too much on the material world. This number sequence asks you to balance your thoughts between Heaven and Earth. Like the famous, “Sermon on the Mount” the angels ask you to focus on spirit and service, and know your material and emotional needs will be met as a result.

777 — The angels applaud you… “congratulations, you’re on a roll! Keep up the good work and know your wish is coming true.” This is an extremely positive sign and you should also expect more miracles to occur.

888 — A phase of your life is about to end, and this is a sign to give you forewarning to prepare. This number sequence may mean you are winding up an emotional career or relationship phase. It also means there is light at the end of the tunnel. In addition it means, The crops are ripe. Don’t wait to pick and enjoy them. In other words, don’t procrastinate in making your move or enjoying the fruits of your labor.

875 — The changes you’re making have put you on the right path for manifesting abundance in all ways.

999 — Get to work, Lightworker! The world needs your Divine life purpose right now. Fully embark upon your sacred mission without delay or hesitation.

000 — A reminder you are one with God, and to feel the presence of your Creator’s love within you. Also it is a sign that a situation has gone full circle.