E squared, Elusive Feelings and Evasive Card Readings (PBP 2014 wk 10)

This whole week has been about signs and trying to figure out why it is that my feelings are so elusive. I'm having an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming) time fully grasping what they mean. Defining or fully expressing my feelings and emotions is proving to be more complicated than I anticipated. Letting him know this directly feels like an impossible task. I understand that my Ego is on the way, I know that my pride is keeping me from putting it all on the table. I'm holding back because I feel that rejection will force me to face the facts; I'll have to accept once and for all that it's over. I feel this is also one of the reasons why I've been avoiding my personal readings. Which by the way, I'm still doing.

I read E Squared earlier in the week. Gordo (my best friend) suggested I read Sugar-Baby Bridge, a book written by a gay marine and social figure he follows. He wants to discuss it since he feels so disappointed by his writing and the overall plot of the book. I've yet to make up my mind about it, but then again, I'm on chapter 7.

While I was on Kindle, I accidentally clicked on E squared. I read the first few lines and I simply could not stop. I had purchased E Squared because we'll be covering it in one of my Tribe groups. I've had it for months but had yet to even open it up. It was a happy accident because all of the sudden, it hit me, this is the book Gordo should read to understand why magick works. He's an atheist or well, he was. It seems that he's slowly changing his mind about the infinite possibilities that encompass our physical world. He wants me to read his cards, and recently, he indirectly asked me to cast a spell for him. Its exciting since he's been a non believer for so long. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, he deserves nothing but the world. I want him to realize How amazing he truly is. He's an incredible friend and a genuinely good individual. I'd love nothing more than to cast for him, help him believe in the unseen. However, before I even attempt this, I would like for him to believe first. I don't want him to block my efforts.

So, I quickly vetted the book and even saved some experiments for me to try out. One of them of course had to do with Sagittarius Guy. Here's where my elusive feelings come into play. I keep wondering why it is that I feel so strongly for this guy. I've managed to keep my distance, keep busy, start dating (more or less) and yet, he's still there. My heart chakra has such strong reactions when it involves this guy. I'm one strong witch, I'm determined and I believe in my abilities even when I'm a bit doubtful. I've done clearing work, cleansing work, uncrossings, etc. I figured, I was opening myself up for new possibilities, new experiences and relationships. I'm meeting new guys, but Sagittarius guy is still there, in my heart, he's on my mind and on my skin... he's inside me...

I gave the Universe 48hrs for a sign. I asked my question at 11:34pm Wednesday night, and expected a response by Friday around that same time. The question was, whether I should continue to pursue Sagittarius guy or not. A simple yes or no question. This is something I've been wondering for way too long. I wanted clear signs, something that I couldn't confuse for mere coincidences. I wanted to be sure before I placed myself on the line of fire. After I made my inquiry to the Universe I simply let it go. I did wonder how these signs would manifest, but other than that, I left it up to the Universe.

Most of Thursday was uneventful. Somewhere along those first 12 hours I decided that if we logged into Facebook at the same time at least three times then that would be my sign(s). As I went about my day, and after completely getting engrossed in the work I was doing, I thought of him, and logged in. He was online. This online coincidence counted as one. This happened once more that same day. On Friday these online coincidences were more frequent. It seemed that every time I logged in he was already on, or he would log in a few minutes after I would. This seemed like a pretty strong set of signs given that in the past we rarely had virtual run-ins. I needed more. I needed a stronger sign. I wanted him to contact me, or message me, or post something that would show me that there's something worth fighting for.

I decide to put my intentions out into the Universe in a more physical way. I posted a Facebook update hoping he'd see it and get the hint. Well, my friends started to comment, and before you know it, we're having an open conversation about signs. We joke, we play, they suggest I face my fear and simply tell him how I feel. I admit that my Ego is on the way and insist I wait for a sign. I somehow decide I want to look at his page, and that's when I saw it. The picture. His cousin was having a 3 day birthday celebration and on night 1 there seemed to be a group photo, and well, Sagittarius guy was there with his arm around a girl.

 

My emotional reaction was immediate and unavoidable. It's at times like these that I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I told myself, "well, that's a pretty clear sign, isn't it?" My reaction certainly pointed me towards yes. I updated my post and my friends on the latest developments and resigned to let it be. C'est la Vie, no? I had a mini emotional outburst... actually, it was pretty intense. To top it all off, I tried to check his Facebook again after my latest update and my phone could NOT reach his wall. I freaked out even more, suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt like such a mess. Crying like a baby over a guy because he had someone else, and then crying harder because I thought he had unfriended me. Oh gosh. I sound so pathetic.

 

I regained my composure just on time; one of my close friends messaged me privately asking what had happened. Before I could begin my story, Sag guy's cousin messages me. It felt like a sign. Like Divine Intervention, a sign that would clear up my doubts. He asked me what I was up to and I confessed that I was a bit blue, "my feelings are stronger than I want to admit."  He immediately asked me if I was referring to Sag guy. Seeing his name, having someone else know who this is makes me so uncomfortable. It's like, something inside of me refuses to admit how I feel for Sag guy. Sag guy's cousin is well aware of what's going on with me, it's not like it was news to him, and yet, it took some effort for me to admit that I was crying over him.  Leo pride, I guess.

 

His cousin tried to comfort me a bit. It feels though, as if he's trying to lead me away ...he keeps suggesting I sleep with someone else. I have a feeling he's interested in getting into my pants.  I've expressed how I feel about this and have made it clear that there's no way in hell that anything could ever happen between us. Sag guy would NEVER forgive me for sleeping with his cousin, and besides, I'm not even attracted to him. When Sag guy and I were seeing each other, we'd have these random discussions about my past and he'd go a bit overboard with jealousy at the thought of me having anything to do with any of his friends. In fact this was a big issue during our relationship. I can't imagine how he would feel if his cousin was involved.

 

While I shared my troubles with the cousin I had the nagging feeling that Sag guy was with him. He'd been at the birthday celebration the night before, so it was easy to assume that he'd be present for night 2. I didn't ask to confirm but I felt it. I did however ask if he knew if Sag guy was seeing anyone, and even mentioned the picture. The cousin said he didn't think so, and that he wasn't aware of anything. This gave me some sort of comfort. I felt that maybe I had overreacted and misinterpreted the sign. Perhaps the sign was that my feelings are fucking strong enough for me to face the music. I mean, if I react that way over something so insignificant it must mean I have some pretty strong feelings that I need to explore... or well, in my case, face.

 

 I found out the next day that Sag guy had been RIGHT NEXT to his cousin while the cousin and I had a heart to heart. This made me a bit nervous, but at the same time, I wished that our conversation was fully disclosed. Perhaps this way he'd know how I feel and make up his mind. His cousin tells me that everything we discuss is between the two of us, so who knows.

After realizing that perhaps my interpretation had been wrong I needed a distraction. I had planned on staying in to read my cards and write. There's sooo much catching up I need to do, and I just keep on procrastinating. I'd told myself that I'd be productive that night, that I'd finally face the cards and see what's going on. Of course this didn't happen. I evaded the truth and my cards by procrastinating some more. I even contacted Emo A. something I never do. He's usually the one to ask me to hang out. I deliberately went out of my way to avoid thinking about Sag Guy. I went to Emo A's and well... the inevitable happened. I know that I'm dealing with my emotions the wrong way. Spending the night at Emo A's only made me long for time with Sag Guy. :/  

I still don't know which path I'll follow... If only he'd reach out. If only things were as they were in the beginning... If only I hadn't made those first mistakes. There are so many "if only's," but "if only's" live in the past and I'm currently focusing on the present. 

I'm letting the Universe guide me. I'm asking for guidance and I trust that I will receive it when the time is right. Until then, I'll continue to pursue my elusive feelings and my evasive card readings.  One day at a time.

Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

 

 

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

AHS: Coven & The Bell Jar = my trip into Crazy town (PBP 2013 wk 5)

C stands for Coven and Crazy, of course...

American Horror Story (AHS) Coven had it's final episode of the season this past Wednesday, and in spite of the criticism it receives from people that don't like it, I still think it's THE BEST AHS so far. I love the theme song, the imagery, the characters, and the spells! My favorite spell was the one where they create a maze, cast a circle with stacks of money, release white mice and take over the corporation, it was definitely a bit more realistic. I absolutely looove their search for their new Supreme and Fiona's power struggle to keep her position as Queen of The Coven. I love that this season was all about witches, and covens, and magic! It's the Season of The Witch... and Power is the main theme.

As a witch, I can relate. I know that our abilities are not supernatural the way t.v. portrays them to be. We certainly can't perform any of the 7 wonders, but sometimes, when we manifest our intentions, when we gain insight, or grow our abilities, well, it sort of feels a bit supernatural. I'm still incredibly amazed when I manifest changes or things I need in my life. I grow each and every day and I love it.

I've noticed my own clairsenses growing, specifically, my clairvoyance, which is the lowest clairsense I have. I'm not saying I can see into the future, or that I get meaningful visions just yet, but my meditations feel a bit more... what's the word I'm looking for? I don't know, they feel palpable, somewhat concrete.

I'm still learning how to control and accept these experiences. Some sessions feel as if I've made some major breakthrough --learned something new, reached a new level of understanding. I get this big AHA moment, but then, I fall asleep and when I wake up, the AHA moment is gone. I feel this is because I tend to stay in meditation longer than I should, and I have yet to gain full control of my visions or what they mean to me. So by the time I'm conscious again, I've forgotten everything. :/ As of the last few days, my dreams have had quite the number of BIG messages. I wake up with a feeling of understanding, like everything is moving along as it should. Like my questions have been answered, but of course, I don't remember any specifics. Practice makes perfect; I know that with patience and perseverance I'll grow this sense until I'm able to understand the messages I receive.

Which leads me to, The Bell Jar. I don't know if you remember but back in week one or two I posted about Ariel and how I felt there was a message there since I kept crossing paths with something that pointed towards the little mermaid. Silly I know, anyway, in the process, I came across Sylvia Plath's Ariel and consequently, The Bell Jar. At the time, I was going through a stage of self doubt. When I read the description of The Bell Jar, I immediately connected with the character, and this scared me a bit. I even felt it was like an omen that would pin point my demise. Haha Yea, CRAZY, I know. I feel like Esther narrating her inner dialogues and sharing them with the world.

I've been depressed. I've considered suicide, I've felt insane at times, irrational and very hopeless. I knew that reading this book would shine a light into those old painful memories. I was afraid.

I was afraid what this would unravel for me, of the hidden message this might bring to me. I was afraid of unleashing this omen that would change me for good. This book is the story of a woman falling into the grip of insanity. Sylvia Plath's novel is shockingly realistic and intensely emotional. I sympathized and empathized with her, I understood her darkness and her obsessions fall down the abysm. I came back.

I actually got the audiobook a few weeks ago, but was debating whether I should even listen to it. I meditated on it for weeks, and after one of those big AHA moments I learned that The Bell Jar was a message, not an omen.

When I finally got around to creating a playlist and I heard Maggie Gyllenhaal's voice, I knew I was in for a GREAT novel. I was immediately hooked, Sylvia Plath's descriptive narration engrossed my every sense and Maggie's narration has me wanting to hear this book all over again.

In my opinion, Esther wasn't insane, she was depressed. She was a woman like any other, obsessed with big and small matters, over thinking, over analyzing, lost and confused. She dared to speak and was written off as a hysterical insane woman and sent to the crazy house for shock treatment. If she had been treated with compassion and understanding by a doctor that had her needs in mind, she would've never hit rock bottom. But alas, this is what makes this novel so hauntingly intense.

I have yet to decipher the message that's attached to the whole Ariel / Sylvia Plath sign; and even though I'm curious about what this could mean, I'm also patient. I know that I will understand it right when I'm intended to; I learned a great deal about myself from reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I'm intrigued by Plath and her work; next on my list, Ariel. I hope I will gain more insight into this Ariel message, but until then, I'll ask for clarity and see what I get.