Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:

Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:

:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)

The Architect:

Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.

My response:

:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^

The Architect:

Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!

My response:

haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.

The Architect:

Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!

My response:

 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.

The Architect:

Night Selene!!

 
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.

and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."

 

I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.

 

My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.

 

Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

 

 

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

On Becoming & BANGERZ (PBP 2014 wk 3)

I have to say, 2014 is starting out AWESOMELY!!! I honestly can not contain myself with how many blessings I'm receiving. I'm incredibly thankful because the Universe is providing me with the tools I need to become who I'm meant to be.

Life is great. ^_^

I'm still dealing with minor hiccups {love, relationships, changes} but overall life is pretty damn great. yay!

The Universe is definitely supporting my efforts. I'd been thinking about a tablet or a laptop in order to maximize my productivity. I need portability and accessibility, and was actually going to purchase my friends laptop. I was putting the funds together and was about to ask him for it, when he shows up Saturday with one of his tablets! {Which happens to be a tablet AND a full computer.} HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!

I have to say, I was a bit unsure about windows 8 but OH EM GEE! It's AMAZING! I'm being sooo productive. I can't believe how much easier it is to have access to everything on the go. The Cloud is AWESOME! I'm just in awe. I'm not tech savvy but I'm definitely learning a great deal from this device. The point of this, I needed a better way to keep on track of my schedule, my spiritual growth, personal growth, and productivity and this facilitates my growth. The Universe heard my call and is supporting my cause. I'm BECOMING who I want to be.

I'll soon have access to a new world of opportunities that will lead me towards a more prosperous and financially stable life.

I feel GREAT about the course I'm following, and extremely determined to achieve my goals and dreams.

I've decided to focus more on myself and my personal growth instead of Sagittarius guy and our complicated "relationship." He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine.. we are no longer anything... there's no point in denying this anymore. There's no point on pinning or longing... I developed feelings but I'll get over them, I've gotten over more intense situations in the past.

As of lately, I've been obsessed with Miley Cyrus's new album, BANGERZ. haha Ironic since I was part of the crowd that was all super judgmental about her overly sexual coming of age. I mean, I'm open about sexuality in general, but Miley's overnight over sexual raunchy behavior had me judging her actions, and more importantly her influence over her fans. She's talented, no denying that, but her choices are less than desirable since she's in the public eye.

This still doesn't justify my unnecessary judgment, I should not judge others because I don't know their own personal demons. This girl has her own inner demons, and she's dealing with them the best she can. When I finally got a chance to listen to her entire album I realized and understood why she'd gone through such a radical change. This girl went through her first real heartbreak, she fell hard, she was naïve, she gave it her all and when she couldn't make it work out, she faced the music and poured her heart out into her work. You can feel her pain, her anguish, but also her strength. Miley is strong! I mean, she went through a very public heartbreak, and she picked herself up and shared it with the whole world. Now, her actions were not the best choices to make, but hey, we all make mistakes, and even more so when we are young, foolish, and in love.

I'm identifying with her album for some reason. You can hear her love, her passion, her anguish, her strength... she's putting it out there, which says a lot. It's like, she made one last effort to show her ex how much she really loves him, and at the same time, she's letting him know that she's strong enough to be alone and live on without him. I'm seriously obsessed with the album, something I never thought I would say.  The girl is talented, and the collaborations she made in this album definitely gave it the edge she's after.

I decided to share one her songs here and went to youtube to search; coincidentally enough, the song I was thinking of was on the home screen, so I'm sharing it....

... she's still reaching out. This video is overly sexual in a way, but it's because she's reaching out to him. She's so very young, and inexperienced, I was there once so I can relate. She's reaching for him, so he remembers how it used to be between the two... their sex life, their intimate moments, their relationship together. She made this song the first one of her album for that same reason, so he would know that she still loves him, that she needs him, and that he's "the one."

I came across this other video while looking through her vevo page; I was actually obsessed with the song a few years ago. My first time watching it, and wow, he was her first real love. The lyrics alone were enough to move me, understanding that this girl fell hard and is now dealing with the loss of her first real love, makes it that much more special.

First loves ... you never forget those.

Relationships are hard, I don't care who you are.

My love life is the only place where I experience hiccups and mishaps... I'm a hopeless romantic and I fall too quickly. It takes me forever to find someone I actually like, and when I do, I confuse sex with love.

I was watching the latest episode of The Carrie Diaries, and one of the characters immediately reminded me of myself. She realized and accepted this about herself, and attempted to change her natural instincts in order to have a meaningful relationship. The episode is called, Hungry Like the Wolf. It's interesting how much insight we gain from the way that we relate to others.

My best friend describes my relationships as "hybrid." I have a "hybrid relationship theory" it seems, where I want to hang out and spend time with the guy I like, without having to define anything prematurely. I want to just have fun and enjoy my time with said guy without rushing into anything.  Sagittarius guy wanted me to be his, he wanted me to be his girlfriend right from the get go, and I simply couldn't do that. this doesn't mean I didn't want to spend time with him, I just didn't need the pressure or expectations so early on the relationship. Nestor says I completely skip the dating phase of the relationship and jump to the intimate bf / gf behavior almost from the start.

 

He's right, in a way. The truth is, I don't know how to date. I never have. I didn't date throughout high school, I was sort of oblivious when it came to guys liking me. I didn't lose my virginity until I was in college, I was 20 and I decided I was ready. No relationship, just a guy I knew, and it happened only once. I didn't have sex again until 6 months after and it was a casual relationship. I had casual relationships for about 2 semesters, the college experience. Then I fell in love, and everything changed for me. After my first actual  break up I did what any sad girl would do, cried, then tried to find a distraction. This distraction was the catalyst for my radical change. I experienced a terrible event, lost myself along the way. It took me over 2 years to find a glimpse of who I used to be. That's about the time I got involved with Collin. Fell hard, head over heels hard. He'd been the only one that's mattered for such a long time. I got over him, stayed single and abstinent for almost a year after our last relapse. I hadn't felt that sort of attraction in such a long time, or at least not one that I wanted to pursue.  That's until I met Sagittarius guy. Sagittarius guy makes my heart race and my stomach flutter, but what was at first, how he treated me, how he wanted me, how special he made me feel... that is long gone. It's time to accept that and focus on me.

 

I need to set aside all these feelings and unnecessary emotions in order to focus on who I'm becoming. The Universe is supporting my needs, I trust that it will provide me with someone that will bring even more happiness into my life when the time is right.

 

My mantra for the year is :

 

 

On Matters of The Heart... (PBP 2013 wk 26)

My heart rules who I am, my higher self. I follow my heart and honor my feelings; I'm aware that these feelings in me need to be nurtured, whether they're good or bad. 

Love happens when you least expect it. We encounter all these people that are meant to teach us a certain lesson during our lifetimes; sometimes they stay in your life for extended periods of time, and other times they're only with you momentarily. Regardless of the situation, they were meant to cross paths with you and you should cherish the time you had to spend with them. 

I'm completely aware of this major truth; I know that our lives are constantly in a state of change, evolving and growing to better connect with our higher selves. Somehow, the lessons do not get any easier to master, the feelings and emotions that come with caring about someone, loving them even, do not become any easier to understand. 

:sigh: 
 I'm in the middle of understanding why I'm feeling the way I am about a certain someone, "J". I'll admit that I never expected to feel this way about this guy. In fact, he was extremely annoying right from the start.

Isn't that the way it usually goes? You fall for the one you never expected... 

 I wasn't even attracted to him. I tolerated our interactions because somehow he awakened a feisty aspect of me; I enjoyed debating issues, proving him wrong, just having a conversation.  
Getting to know someone of the opposite sex with the same astrological sign is definitely a challenge. It pin points a lot of your own flaws, it makes you see how your behavior affects others, it opens your eyes to the reality of your personality's core.
If you can get through this, if you can learn from each other, the relationship has a chance. 

He seemed to be getting attached at first, and when I didn't reciprocate he pulled away. It's not that I didn't feel anything, because the Gods know I did. I just needed time to sort out my feelings; not rushing was the key for me, and I felt he was pressuring me. 

"J" pulled away, I was hurt. I pulled my self together and shrugged it off, life goes on. 

He came back into my life, this time as friends only. I welcomed this, friendship was something I could definitely deal with. The expectations of starting a new relationship put way too much pressure on me. He was in the process of getting to know another girl, and even though part of me felt jealous, I knew this was the best situation for the both of us. 

His attempts at starting new relationships failed, and time after time I was there for support. I cherished the friendship, his honesty, the fact that he genuinely cared for me... we developed this sort of "flirtationship" which kept the relationship interesting and fun. 

We, or well, he, talked about being together. He'd say things like "You know, we fight like an old married couple." And when I'd question him about whether this was a good or bad thing, his response would be that it definitely wasn't bad. There were so many hypothetical situations that involved the both of us being together that I really couldn't help myself, I wanted to be with him. 

The second I realized he could hurt my feelings I pulled away. I needed to regain some sort of balance; I don't like feeling sad, or upset over a guy. We had so many arguments, some playful other's with some basis to them; he'd hurt my feelings often due to misunderstandings --it wasn't his intention, I'm just too sensitive, and when I care I tend to over analyze and take things to heart-- and after he'd realize this, he'd apologize, he'd call and we'd talk things through. I honestly don't make a habit of picking up when I'm upset, but somehow, I'd always pick up for him. He was trying, no one can deny this. Leo's have difficult personalities. But our heart, our heart is loyal and giving and so very honest. Perhaps this was one of the major factors that I loved so much about him... 

:sigh: 

It's only been over two weeks since we last exchanged messages... 23 days since I last heard his voice. June 1st was the last conversation... I might have overreacted with our last exchange of messages. I was sensitive because I hadn't heard from him since our last call, and given how things had gotten between us, I was feeling a bit neglected... and then, I received a half-ass response. I mean, come on. I deserve a little more than a two-word response.... I simply gave up. 

I could not continue this way, getting my feelings hurt over and over and over again, and for petty things, things that shouldn't upset me as much as they did... I felt it was unnecessary. 
  Why should I feel bad about myself? Why should I feel inadequate when I know how amazing and loving I am. When I know I have nothing but love to offer... 

I know I'm overly sensitive, I also know that this helps me connect to humanity better... I know that my sensitivity and my ego keep me a bit doubtful and afraid of getting hurt again. Love can hurt, it can break us, it can change us forever... I work my magick with my heart, and I can't work my magick when my spirits are low.

I've been in love before, and I've had my heartbroken too... It left me numb for so long that when I started feeling again I honestly could not handle these emotions.  It took me so long to be able to feel again that once I recovered this very essential part of me I promised myself I would never let go of it again. I don't like feeling jaded, or like there's no point to life's happiness. Love makes the world go round, it gives us the ability to connect with others, give freely and without restrain, and find the wonders of life which makes us dare to dream.

I know that timing is of essence, the Angels have given me this message many times before. I know that anything I want or need will come to me when I am ready and not before. How is it possible that after having all this knowledge I'm still hurting?

My eyes burn with unshed tears, my throat closes, my chest tightens, I miss him...
And it's not like I'm not keeping busy. I'm studying, learning, expanding my knowledge, my tarot and Angel communication classes keep me busy. My family keeps me busy too, I have all these tasks, chores, and magickal to-do lists that keep me occupied...

If I know this major truth about love and the Universe, why is it that I'm still missing him?
He knows how I feel, given my behavior and the talks we've had he's more than aware that I feel for him more than a simple friendship. Isn't that what he wanted? for me to feel as much as he felt for me?

:sigh: As I write this post this song came up ... it's kind of like this...
 
 

 

Take time to realize,
 That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
 Take time to realize,
 That I am on your side
 Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

 But I can't spell it out for you,
 No it's never gonna be that simple
 No I cant spell it out for you

 

 If you just realize what I just realized,
 Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

 

But like the song says, "I can't spell it out for you.."

 

Maybe what I feel is what I'm supposed to feel. There's a lesson here, I know this. I'm just too close to decipher it. Maybe we aren't meant for each other, and that's ok. I still wish I had my friend... I miss him.

 

I realize that this distance is necessary and it's showing me what I need to feel.

 

This doesn't keep me from thinking about him from time to time, and I know with all that I am that he HAS to be thinking of me too. I know this. My mind is very strong, I've proven this time after time.

 

Just last week a guy I was sort of interested in a few years ago crossed my mind. He's also a Leo, and it reminded me how prideful and dignified Leo's can be. We had a fall-out and that was the end of that. I hurt his Leo pride and he pretty much said I'M DONE.

 

This guy crossed my mind for less than a minute... guess who's contacting me this week? That same guy. From a single thought. This happens anytime any guy crosses my mind, I'll think of them and they contact me, call me or text me.

 

How is it possible that I've been thinking of "J" on a daily basis and all with no result? I know he's thinking of me... I know this. But he won't contact me, and I honestly can no longer put my feelings on the line. It sets me back a couple of days every time I've given in, I end up getting my feelings hurt... it's not something I like. 

I don't know where this will lead me, or what the outcome will be. I am trying my best to give other guys a chance.

The night the other leo guy crossed my mind, I'd been crying over "J," I'd given in to my sensitive emotions and I just let it out. I had a conversation with Goddess and asked why I was feeling that way, why I had feelings for someone that didn't reciprocate the way I needed... the other leo guy crossed my mind and I knew that one of the Leo traits was pride, and pride keeps us from reaching out even when we want to. I let these thoughts go and went to bed.. and within a few days, the other Leo guy contacted me. I know Goddess sent me a little distraction, someone compatible that would keep my mind occupied for the time being...

The other Leo guy, "M" seems to be ready for something more meaningful this time around. We spent most of that night discussing religion and the occult. He's an intelligent guy, and he seems to be drawn to my thirst for knowledge. I feel I might be able to open up completely and tell him about my path when the time is right, and IF he sticks around long enough for us to have that talk. The simple fact that he doesn't view religion as most people do, gives me the sense that there might be a chance for him to be accepting of my spirituality.

I don't know what the future holds for me... I'm taking it one day at a time. I have faith and hope that wherever I'm heading, is the right place for me.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe