Friday, January 17, 2014

On Becoming & BANGERZ (PBP 2014 wk 3)

I have to say, 2014 is starting out AWESOMELY!!! I honestly can not contain myself with how many blessings I'm receiving. I'm incredibly thankful because the Universe is providing me with the tools I need to become who I'm meant to be.

Life is great. ^_^

I'm still dealing with minor hiccups {love, relationships, changes} but overall life is pretty damn great. yay!

The Universe is definitely supporting my efforts. I'd been thinking about a tablet or a laptop in order to maximize my productivity. I need portability and accessibility, and was actually going to purchase my friends laptop. I was putting the funds together and was about to ask him for it, when he shows up Saturday with one of his tablets! {Which happens to be a tablet AND a full computer.} HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!

I have to say, I was a bit unsure about windows 8 but OH EM GEE! It's AMAZING! I'm being sooo productive. I can't believe how much easier it is to have access to everything on the go. The Cloud is AWESOME! I'm just in awe. I'm not tech savvy but I'm definitely learning a great deal from this device. The point of this, I needed a better way to keep on track of my schedule, my spiritual growth, personal growth, and productivity and this facilitates my growth. The Universe heard my call and is supporting my cause. I'm BECOMING who I want to be.

I'll soon have access to a new world of opportunities that will lead me towards a more prosperous and financially stable life.

I feel GREAT about the course I'm following, and extremely determined to achieve my goals and dreams.

I've decided to focus more on myself and my personal growth instead of Sagittarius guy and our complicated "relationship." He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine.. we are no longer anything... there's no point in denying this anymore. There's no point on pinning or longing... I developed feelings but I'll get over them, I've gotten over more intense situations in the past.

As of lately, I've been obsessed with Miley Cyrus's new album, BANGERZ. haha Ironic since I was part of the crowd that was all super judgmental about her overly sexual coming of age. I mean, I'm open about sexuality in general, but Miley's overnight over sexual raunchy behavior had me judging her actions, and more importantly her influence over her fans. She's talented, no denying that, but her choices are less than desirable since she's in the public eye.

This still doesn't justify my unnecessary judgment, I should not judge others because I don't know their own personal demons. This girl has her own inner demons, and she's dealing with them the best she can. When I finally got a chance to listen to her entire album I realized and understood why she'd gone through such a radical change. This girl went through her first real heartbreak, she fell hard, she was naïve, she gave it her all and when she couldn't make it work out, she faced the music and poured her heart out into her work. You can feel her pain, her anguish, but also her strength. Miley is strong! I mean, she went through a very public heartbreak, and she picked herself up and shared it with the whole world. Now, her actions were not the best choices to make, but hey, we all make mistakes, and even more so when we are young, foolish, and in love.

I'm identifying with her album for some reason. You can hear her love, her passion, her anguish, her strength... she's putting it out there, which says a lot. It's like, she made one last effort to show her ex how much she really loves him, and at the same time, she's letting him know that she's strong enough to be alone and live on without him. I'm seriously obsessed with the album, something I never thought I would say.  The girl is talented, and the collaborations she made in this album definitely gave it the edge she's after.

I decided to share one her songs here and went to youtube to search; coincidentally enough, the song I was thinking of was on the home screen, so I'm sharing it....

... she's still reaching out. This video is overly sexual in a way, but it's because she's reaching out to him. She's so very young, and inexperienced, I was there once so I can relate. She's reaching for him, so he remembers how it used to be between the two... their sex life, their intimate moments, their relationship together. She made this song the first one of her album for that same reason, so he would know that she still loves him, that she needs him, and that he's "the one."

I came across this other video while looking through her vevo page; I was actually obsessed with the song a few years ago. My first time watching it, and wow, he was her first real love. The lyrics alone were enough to move me, understanding that this girl fell hard and is now dealing with the loss of her first real love, makes it that much more special.

First loves ... you never forget those.

Relationships are hard, I don't care who you are.

My love life is the only place where I experience hiccups and mishaps... I'm a hopeless romantic and I fall too quickly. It takes me forever to find someone I actually like, and when I do, I confuse sex with love.

I was watching the latest episode of The Carrie Diaries, and one of the characters immediately reminded me of myself. She realized and accepted this about herself, and attempted to change her natural instincts in order to have a meaningful relationship. The episode is called, Hungry Like the Wolf. It's interesting how much insight we gain from the way that we relate to others.

My best friend describes my relationships as "hybrid." I have a "hybrid relationship theory" it seems, where I want to hang out and spend time with the guy I like, without having to define anything prematurely. I want to just have fun and enjoy my time with said guy without rushing into anything.  Sagittarius guy wanted me to be his, he wanted me to be his girlfriend right from the get go, and I simply couldn't do that. this doesn't mean I didn't want to spend time with him, I just didn't need the pressure or expectations so early on the relationship. Nestor says I completely skip the dating phase of the relationship and jump to the intimate bf / gf behavior almost from the start.
He's right, in a way. The truth is, I don't know how to date. I never have. I didn't date throughout high school, I was sort of oblivious when it came to guys liking me. I didn't lose my virginity until I was in college, I was 20 and I decided I was ready. No relationship, just a guy I knew, and it happened only once. I didn't have sex again until 6 months after and it was a casual relationship. I had casual relationships for about 2 semesters, the college experience. Then I fell in love, and everything changed for me. After my first actual  break up I did what any sad girl would do, cried, then tried to find a distraction. This distraction was the catalyst for my radical change. I experienced a terrible event, lost myself along the way. It took me over 2 years to find a glimpse of who I used to be. That's about the time I got involved with Collin. Fell hard, head over heels hard. He'd been the only one that's mattered for such a long time. I got over him, stayed single and abstinent for almost a year after our last relapse. I hadn't felt that sort of attraction in such a long time, or at least not one that I wanted to pursue.  That's until I met Sagittarius guy. Sagittarius guy makes my heart race and my stomach flutter, but what was at first, how he treated me, how he wanted me, how special he made me feel... that is long gone. It's time to accept that and focus on me.
I need to set aside all these feelings and unnecessary emotions in order to focus on who I'm becoming. The Universe is supporting my needs, I trust that it will provide me with someone that will bring even more happiness into my life when the time is right.
My mantra for the year is :