Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

...Reality Blues. The Emotional Aftermath.

Damn me again.

What am I doing?

My heart chakra feels extremely overwhelmed. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I know I'm extra sensitive because of my period, but I also know and admit this goes deeper. Fuck.

I honestly don't understand why I behave the way I do… its like, I forget about dignity, about his behavior, the way I feel afterwards, when he's still not around. :/

I told myself that I wouldn't reach out, that I would let it go…. Only to compromise with my ego and my heart by wanting to contact him one last time. He was invited to the same party but I wasn't really expecting him to go to the club, although part of me felt he would. That part of me fantasized about a night of fun filled situations where he'd come to me because he simply couldn't stay away. Others where he'd come to my rescue like a knight in shining armor ready to defend my honor. I'm silly, I know.

Thing is, my fantasies all happened. He couldn't stay away, he saved me a couple of times, was sweet and protective, also possessive and playful. That’s the thing, when I'm around him, everything seems fine, fun, exciting. I forget about his dickish behavior and get lost in the moment.

He knows this well enough. He also knows how I feel about him, and knows my weaknesses and my sweet spots. He knows my body and knows my body remembers his touch only too well.

Fuck. Me.

I have feelings for him. He just wants my body… or at least that’s how it feels. He'll always want me, he'll always crave me. But this isn't enough to make him want to stick around.

Shit. Admitting this is definitely hurting.

Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? He's sooo short, and chubby, AND HAIRY! dorky, and such a Dick!! I feel like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she realizes she has feelings for Charlie. He's short, bald, and hairy. lol
Oh gosh, I got it bad. Thinking about his stupid laugh puts a smile on my face. When I first met him it was soooo annoying! Now, when I think about it, it makes me laugh or at the very least smile.

We had such a good time last night, everything was perfect. He was perfect, right until we both fell asleep.

He made love to me with such passion and intensity, kissed me the entire time, whispered sweet little nothings… I'm getting lost in my reminiscent moment. He even held me most of the night… it was almost perfect.

Right around dawn he reverted back to Dick behavior.

The morning felt like it was just a selfish fuck. I'm not saying I didn't want it, because I'm admitting that my body language was asking for more… he though I was asleep and said, "Sele, wake up." followed by him pressing against me as I'm faced down. He only lasted as long as it took him to cum. It was still really good, and I was really close but didn't get to finish. He had reverted to full Dick mode by this point.

We both went to sleep after this. When we woke up a couple of hours later, the energy he was giving off was a bit more distant. The ride home was playful, light and fun. I can't seem to hold a grudge with this guy.  Can't remember to forget you is definitely the theme song of this relationship.

When I'm around him, I'm happy and careless. I was enjoying the last few moments with him… I feel like such a junkie.

A junkie. :SIGH: What a description.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I feel so strongly about this guy. Its frustratingly annoying. I know that these were choices I made, and therefore I should face the consequences they bring. I just feel I can't think clearly when I'm near him, my body wants him, my heart wants to be near him, I crave his presence.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Draining Distractions and a bit of Depression (PBP 2014 wk 8)

I got back from my Austin getaway feeling more drained than when I got there. I had a fantastic time with my friends, and a less than an ideal time with the little hiccups we encountered on our way back. All in all, it was a successful trip. It sort of makes me wish my life was where it needs to be, and not where it is now. I see myself moving back to Austin and living the life I'm meant to be living, close to my friends and the city I've grown to love so much.

Patience is a virtue.

Part of me gets SO frustrated with my current situation, specifically my mother's Taurus ways. I feel like I just want to walk away...   My ego wants me to say, FUCK IT!

...and at times, I do. Or at least to different degrees.  My spirit, my heart chakra, my loving side tells me to be patient and to try and understand the other person's perspective. At times this is easy to do, but every once in a while, it gets pretty fucking hard.

I was doing SO great with MAY CAUSE MIRACLES, I was on track, learning, feeling, growing... and then my trip happened and drinking happened, and DISTRACTIONS happened. This is no excuse of course, my choices, my actions. I got caught up in the happy feelings and the excitement that came with spending a few days with the people I love the most.

I know that my drinking was definitely self destructive behavior, but I don't know. This time, it was like a purging or a "one-last-night" of fun debauchery.

I feel I've been doing that since the year started. I keep eating things outside my diet, I keep telling myself that I'll start over next Monday, next new moon, next month and when the time comes, I choose to indulge instead of start over. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's only February. I just feel that I need to get back on track before I get back in the state I was before.

I worked on a cleansing over the Full Moon last week. I even incorporated Crystals in my bath ^_^ ... I felt GREAT! The energy was high and full. I was expecting myself to jump back on track this past Monday but my sexcapade and my eating habits had me pushing my DIET back yet another week. By now, I have a feeling that this will come to full circle during the dark of the moon / new moon at the end of the month.

I ordered some stones and crystals from amazon. Got some pink quartz, green quartz, and a new set of lapiz lazuli rune stones. I plan on incorporating these in a healing grid over the new moon to help me get back on my healing track and achieve my goals. I've been dealing with some chronic issues that are in definite need of alignment and balance. I feel that I finally have, or at least I will have, all the necessary items to optimize my return to balance. I'm treating my issues with western and eastern medicine: chakra alignment, natural remedies, diet changes, and medication. I feel Archangel Raphael has pointed me in the right direction, I trust that He's guiding me and helping me heal. ^_^

It's all about timing.

I should have the last items by the 28th, I can work on the ritual and work with the Dark of the Moon to purge myself of any remaining negative behavior, thoughts, people, or energies so I can begin anew with the New Moon.

My distractions have kept me procrastinating and extending my sabbatical. I want to believe that this is my body's way of taking a break before getting back on track; perhaps I've been pushing it back because I needed to experience what I did just a bit ago... another DISAPPOINTMENT that is definitely having me wanting to let go and cut chords that keep me linked to these people or these energies.

I seriously just had a pretty intense crying episode over Justin ending our friendship the most cowardly way possible... by unfriending me. He gave me no explanation, he said nothing. He crossed my mind and when I went to his page I realized he had blocked me from seeing his wall. I asked and that's when I realized he unfriended me. I blocked him after that... and ugly cried for quite a bit.

It reminded me of when Rhena ended our friendship because I was a witch. I cried for a week...

I don't know what's going on with Justin. I know he tried calling me recently and I was a bit busy at the time. I can't think of anything that would make him behave in such a way. Maybe his ego was bruised when I didn't pick up, I don't know and I guess it no longer matters. His so called feelings were just a passing fad I guess.

I'm done crying. Writing helps.

I've been a bit depressed this week. I feel as if the St. Valentine's day blues were just delayed a week. Sagittarius guy is on my mind, but this little Justin episode is definitely making me stronger. Which means, THERE IS NO WAY I'M REACHING OUT TO THIS IDIOT now. He doesn't care, and having him show me yet again that he doesn't care will only upset me more.

I thought I would reach out one last time, I wanted to be strong and just put it all out there. I wanted to follow LOVE and feelings and just jump and put myself out in the open, I wanted to let him know straight from my mouth that I have feelings for him, that I want to try a relationship with him. That I miss and want things to go back to how they were at first... I wanted to do this. To just rip off the bandage and take it from there. Either move forward or move on... but now, now I feel that I should just let it go now. There's no point in dragging it out any longer. As I type this, my heart chakra aches .. :sigh:

I know this is my Ego talking, being afraid of rejection...

Perhaps I'll drunk message him one last time this weekend. Then I'll know for sure, and then I can at least not have any regrets. If I'm drunk, there are no inhibitions. I can be honest and careless and if it doesn't turn out to be what I want, then I'll just drink some more and dance the night away. Then I can purge myself, cut chords, and remove him completely with the Dark of The Moon.

I want to be balanced and happy. I understand I need to experience certain situations that will teach me whatever lessons I need in order to move forward. I am mindful of my feelings and I honor myself by loving myself unconditionally.

:) I trust that I will make the best out of every situation, even if I stumble along the way, I'll eventually find my way. :)

Friday, February 7, 2014

In dire need of a Chakra realignment (PBP 2014 wk 6)

I'm going through an emotional hiccup. My heart chakra feels as it did before, overactive. I'm overly emotional, and very sensitive as of lately.

I feel everything.

It's not uncontrollable or too overwhelming, but its enough to have me crying at the encounter of any triggers. I feel a bit depressed. It's not bad really, actually, I wouldn't say depressed, I'm just avoiding human interaction... and not really caring about my appearance. I look insane and I could care less. I'm considering a shower but maybe I'll do that after I'm done with yoga, which will be after this post. See, Yoga! that's definitely a sign I'm NOT depressed. My family is going through their own turmoil, their energies are really high or low, at times conflicting and offensive. I don't have the energy for that. I'm doing my thing, getting my life together one day at a time.

I feel I should be more involved with my family; like, I should help them more in their journey... and, I want to, I'm just going through my own journey. I'm not ready to be the pillar of strength when I feel a bit shaky myself.

I'm too sensitive at the moment. My mom is stressed and tends to lash out, I get it. I just don't appreciate her lashing out at me. I want to help out more, but I don't have the energy. Same with my sister, she's going through some inner struggles, she's soul searching. According to my mom, she's in a dark place. I've known this for so long that I had forgotten I was the only one that really understood where these issues stemmed from. Mom got a glimpse and it scared her. I just support my sister the best way I can. I keep her in my prayers and I am there when she needs me, when she reaches out for me. I can't really force her to speak to me. She's a Sagittarius, she works on her own terms. If I approach her before she's ready she lashes out, and I don't feel like dealing with that either.

I started May Cause Miracles on Monday, and I'm focusing on changing my life for good. I know that this guidebook will help me find the way. I would looove to share this experience with my sister, but she's a skeptic and I doubt she'll want to do this with me. I think that I will suggest it once I'm done with the 40 days and she sees the change for herself. This way, she'll be more open to giving it a try. :) Here's to hoping! In the mean time, I will work on sending some positive loving energy her way.

I have to say, the support of The Wild Spirit Tribe is really helping me focus. The support of like-minded individuals that are going through similar issues definitely helps to balance my magical path with my mundane life. Plus, it's freaking awesome!!! We have access to a vast library of tools for virtually every aspect of our magical journey! Jess Carlson has created a pretty neat community that is there to help us grow and find our true inner guidance as pagans, witches, and spiritual beings. With Jess, we have support on the tribe and on the facebook groups as well as monthly calls that allow us to be more interactive and action driven. Depending on which groups you're in, we have multiple calls a month and unlimited access to the tribe and her counsel! I can't stop raving! I mean, come on! She's responsible for THE PAGAN BLOG PROJECT!! haha

I'm loving the Tribe! Some members I've known since my journey began, others I met through the tarot and angel course, and they continue to be strong members of my life and my spiritual community. There's so much to do, so much to learn, so much to accomplish and experience that there's no room for negativity or fears.

I know that I'm going through an emotional patch, and this too is a learning experience. Matters of the heart seem to be my Achilles heel. haha hence why I feel it's time for a chakra realignment. I feel somewhat unstable. It's not too bad, just learning experiences. I'd like to be completely centered. I love to feel, and I know and understand that feelings sometimes include aches. I know these are all learning experiences...

... I just went through like 10 minutes of trying to put into words how I'm feeling towards this guy, and it made no sense! How annoying! haha I feel clouded. I need a chakra realignment. In our angel course we're doing healing work with our Angels. This is the perfect opportunity to do some healing and chakra realignment. I need to center myself. I'll work on a chakra realignment ritual over the next few days. I need to be Zen again. :)