Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:

Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:

:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)

The Architect:

Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.

My response:

:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^

The Architect:

Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!

My response:

haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.

The Architect:

Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!

My response:

 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.

The Architect:

Night Selene!!

 
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.

and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."

 

I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.

 

My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.

 

E squared, Elusive Feelings and Evasive Card Readings (PBP 2014 wk 10)

This whole week has been about signs and trying to figure out why it is that my feelings are so elusive. I'm having an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming) time fully grasping what they mean. Defining or fully expressing my feelings and emotions is proving to be more complicated than I anticipated. Letting him know this directly feels like an impossible task. I understand that my Ego is on the way, I know that my pride is keeping me from putting it all on the table. I'm holding back because I feel that rejection will force me to face the facts; I'll have to accept once and for all that it's over. I feel this is also one of the reasons why I've been avoiding my personal readings. Which by the way, I'm still doing.

I read E Squared earlier in the week. Gordo (my best friend) suggested I read Sugar-Baby Bridge, a book written by a gay marine and social figure he follows. He wants to discuss it since he feels so disappointed by his writing and the overall plot of the book. I've yet to make up my mind about it, but then again, I'm on chapter 7.

While I was on Kindle, I accidentally clicked on E squared. I read the first few lines and I simply could not stop. I had purchased E Squared because we'll be covering it in one of my Tribe groups. I've had it for months but had yet to even open it up. It was a happy accident because all of the sudden, it hit me, this is the book Gordo should read to understand why magick works. He's an atheist or well, he was. It seems that he's slowly changing his mind about the infinite possibilities that encompass our physical world. He wants me to read his cards, and recently, he indirectly asked me to cast a spell for him. Its exciting since he's been a non believer for so long. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, he deserves nothing but the world. I want him to realize How amazing he truly is. He's an incredible friend and a genuinely good individual. I'd love nothing more than to cast for him, help him believe in the unseen. However, before I even attempt this, I would like for him to believe first. I don't want him to block my efforts.

So, I quickly vetted the book and even saved some experiments for me to try out. One of them of course had to do with Sagittarius Guy. Here's where my elusive feelings come into play. I keep wondering why it is that I feel so strongly for this guy. I've managed to keep my distance, keep busy, start dating (more or less) and yet, he's still there. My heart chakra has such strong reactions when it involves this guy. I'm one strong witch, I'm determined and I believe in my abilities even when I'm a bit doubtful. I've done clearing work, cleansing work, uncrossings, etc. I figured, I was opening myself up for new possibilities, new experiences and relationships. I'm meeting new guys, but Sagittarius guy is still there, in my heart, he's on my mind and on my skin... he's inside me...

I gave the Universe 48hrs for a sign. I asked my question at 11:34pm Wednesday night, and expected a response by Friday around that same time. The question was, whether I should continue to pursue Sagittarius guy or not. A simple yes or no question. This is something I've been wondering for way too long. I wanted clear signs, something that I couldn't confuse for mere coincidences. I wanted to be sure before I placed myself on the line of fire. After I made my inquiry to the Universe I simply let it go. I did wonder how these signs would manifest, but other than that, I left it up to the Universe.

Most of Thursday was uneventful. Somewhere along those first 12 hours I decided that if we logged into Facebook at the same time at least three times then that would be my sign(s). As I went about my day, and after completely getting engrossed in the work I was doing, I thought of him, and logged in. He was online. This online coincidence counted as one. This happened once more that same day. On Friday these online coincidences were more frequent. It seemed that every time I logged in he was already on, or he would log in a few minutes after I would. This seemed like a pretty strong set of signs given that in the past we rarely had virtual run-ins. I needed more. I needed a stronger sign. I wanted him to contact me, or message me, or post something that would show me that there's something worth fighting for.

I decide to put my intentions out into the Universe in a more physical way. I posted a Facebook update hoping he'd see it and get the hint. Well, my friends started to comment, and before you know it, we're having an open conversation about signs. We joke, we play, they suggest I face my fear and simply tell him how I feel. I admit that my Ego is on the way and insist I wait for a sign. I somehow decide I want to look at his page, and that's when I saw it. The picture. His cousin was having a 3 day birthday celebration and on night 1 there seemed to be a group photo, and well, Sagittarius guy was there with his arm around a girl.

 

My emotional reaction was immediate and unavoidable. It's at times like these that I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I told myself, "well, that's a pretty clear sign, isn't it?" My reaction certainly pointed me towards yes. I updated my post and my friends on the latest developments and resigned to let it be. C'est la Vie, no? I had a mini emotional outburst... actually, it was pretty intense. To top it all off, I tried to check his Facebook again after my latest update and my phone could NOT reach his wall. I freaked out even more, suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt like such a mess. Crying like a baby over a guy because he had someone else, and then crying harder because I thought he had unfriended me. Oh gosh. I sound so pathetic.

 

I regained my composure just on time; one of my close friends messaged me privately asking what had happened. Before I could begin my story, Sag guy's cousin messages me. It felt like a sign. Like Divine Intervention, a sign that would clear up my doubts. He asked me what I was up to and I confessed that I was a bit blue, "my feelings are stronger than I want to admit."  He immediately asked me if I was referring to Sag guy. Seeing his name, having someone else know who this is makes me so uncomfortable. It's like, something inside of me refuses to admit how I feel for Sag guy. Sag guy's cousin is well aware of what's going on with me, it's not like it was news to him, and yet, it took some effort for me to admit that I was crying over him.  Leo pride, I guess.

 

His cousin tried to comfort me a bit. It feels though, as if he's trying to lead me away ...he keeps suggesting I sleep with someone else. I have a feeling he's interested in getting into my pants.  I've expressed how I feel about this and have made it clear that there's no way in hell that anything could ever happen between us. Sag guy would NEVER forgive me for sleeping with his cousin, and besides, I'm not even attracted to him. When Sag guy and I were seeing each other, we'd have these random discussions about my past and he'd go a bit overboard with jealousy at the thought of me having anything to do with any of his friends. In fact this was a big issue during our relationship. I can't imagine how he would feel if his cousin was involved.

 

While I shared my troubles with the cousin I had the nagging feeling that Sag guy was with him. He'd been at the birthday celebration the night before, so it was easy to assume that he'd be present for night 2. I didn't ask to confirm but I felt it. I did however ask if he knew if Sag guy was seeing anyone, and even mentioned the picture. The cousin said he didn't think so, and that he wasn't aware of anything. This gave me some sort of comfort. I felt that maybe I had overreacted and misinterpreted the sign. Perhaps the sign was that my feelings are fucking strong enough for me to face the music. I mean, if I react that way over something so insignificant it must mean I have some pretty strong feelings that I need to explore... or well, in my case, face.

 

 I found out the next day that Sag guy had been RIGHT NEXT to his cousin while the cousin and I had a heart to heart. This made me a bit nervous, but at the same time, I wished that our conversation was fully disclosed. Perhaps this way he'd know how I feel and make up his mind. His cousin tells me that everything we discuss is between the two of us, so who knows.

After realizing that perhaps my interpretation had been wrong I needed a distraction. I had planned on staying in to read my cards and write. There's sooo much catching up I need to do, and I just keep on procrastinating. I'd told myself that I'd be productive that night, that I'd finally face the cards and see what's going on. Of course this didn't happen. I evaded the truth and my cards by procrastinating some more. I even contacted Emo A. something I never do. He's usually the one to ask me to hang out. I deliberately went out of my way to avoid thinking about Sag Guy. I went to Emo A's and well... the inevitable happened. I know that I'm dealing with my emotions the wrong way. Spending the night at Emo A's only made me long for time with Sag Guy. :/  

I still don't know which path I'll follow... If only he'd reach out. If only things were as they were in the beginning... If only I hadn't made those first mistakes. There are so many "if only's," but "if only's" live in the past and I'm currently focusing on the present. 

I'm letting the Universe guide me. I'm asking for guidance and I trust that I will receive it when the time is right. Until then, I'll continue to pursue my elusive feelings and my evasive card readings.  One day at a time.

Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

 

 

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

Birthday Blues...

I guess I'm not so much blue as I am a tiny bit numb.

Today's my birthday... today marks yet another year of stagnation.

I've made much progress in my spiritual path, but I haven't made as much progress in my mundane life. I feel the weight of this major truth on my shoulders.

I'd like nothing more than to be successful in my craft. I know that this is the path I must follow, and that at this time, I'm developing my abilities. It is a time to search my inner soul for the guidance from my higher self. Like the Hermit, I must spend this time in seclusion in order to find my way.

I absolutely love this path, I just wish I had a way to make a living doing what I love. I love to help people, and I do this selflessly; making a difference in someone's life, helping them find hope and happiness through their own means is priceless.

I'd hate to be such a petty being at this time, I shouldn't put out negative thoughts out into the Universe. In a way, this isn't really negative, it's just an honest view of my current emotional state. I'd have to say that I'm feeling a bit numb... and a bit lonely.

I'm not celebrating or doing anything special today other than read my books, and clean my magickal room / study and my bedroom. I've got spell-work that I'd like to work on, but as of now, I honestly don't have the energy for it.

Ever since the Chakra Healing session I had with Jess, I've felt rejuvenated and balanced. I am thankful for this.

I can't help but compare myself to how I was last year, dealing with fucking Collin, a liar and a selfish cheat, promising all these things for his own benefit only to crush my dreams right on my fucking birthday. He ruined it. He's the single one person that's hurt me the most and I forgave him time after time... he certainly does not deserve a happy ending..  :sigh: He's had his influence over this month of course, changing plans once more, lying, showing me his true colors... he's such a joke. He'll get what he deserves soon enough...

If it wasn't for this Chakra alignment I would be a mess. Depressed, drowning in self pity.. crying myself to sleep because things haven't turned out as I'd wished them to be, because I'm lonely, because none of my friends are here to celebrate my birthday with me, and because they guy I have feelings for has yet to call me (and I doubt he will.) He's currently online, so it's not like he doesn't know. I even told him how difficult birthdays are for me earlier last week... I wasn't fishing for attention, it came out naturally, something I would share with my closest friends. There's no excuse for him not to call me or even leave me a message on my wall... I mean, facebook reminds you... :Sigh:

Given my track record on how depressing my past birthdays have been, I would've been a mess today, instead, I'm calm, and cool ... a bit emotional and somewhat numb, but not overwhelmed.. if that makes sense.

I'm a bit bummed at the current relationship I have with my sister. For the past month, we've been not speaking. I don't know what's going on with her and I don't have the energy to decipher her actions. I just feel she's selfish and still somewhat immature, causing pain because she's experiencing it and refusing to acknowledge that her selfishness affects others. I mean, she's currently downstairs with her boyfriend... she's invited people over to drink and smoke, and all the while ignoring the fact that I'm here... completely alone. I mean, she wished me a happy birthday over facebook... facebook. This stings. I would honestly much rather have an empty house today so I can be alone with my thoughts than this moronic nonsense they are doing. How sad is this? It's borderline depressing.

I'm overwhelmed by emotions now. The Chakra session closed and aligned my overactive heart chakra but this doesn't keep me from feeling altogether.... well, at least it's not overwhelming. :sigh:

I wish I had someone who cared for me... and I'm not saying that I don't have people that do, because I know I have friends that love me unconditionally. I just mean in the sense of a loving partner. One that would be happy to celebrate my birthday even when I'm not, one who would drag me out of the house and refuse to have me skip out on doing something special... or at the very least, one that will crawl in bed with me and simply cuddle, watch a movie or love me.

.... so much for my numbness. ha-ha.

I don't like to be petty this way. It's unnecessary. I'm sure I sound like an ungrateful child complaining about being all alone on a day that marks my birth and nothing more... I don't like this about myself right now. It's petty of me...

I know how blessed I am, how thankful I am for the people I have in my life, the gifts I've been blessed with in this lifetime... There is much to be happy about... I am alive. I might not have the job I want, the relationship I long for, the love I yearn for... the health I desperately need... but I have loving friendships and caring friends and a family that loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I am very much thankful for this.

I think I will take a cleansing bath and see if it helps lift my spirits.

I just finished watching The House of the Spirits, and got so enthralled by this movie that I cried for a bit during some of the scenes. I'm not completely numb, since I can still relate and feel. I know that if I get into that mindset of thinking and obsessing on the things I'm lacking in my life at this time I will certainly fall into depression. So I choose to get lost in a good book.

I've got a handful of books I'm in the process of reading. La Casa de los Espiritus is one of them. I should've waited and finished the book before watching the movie, but somehow, the movie called my attention.... besides, the movies never meet up to the expectations one has after reading the book.

I have to remember to breathe and have patience. There's a lesson in today that I've yet to see or appreciate.

A nice hot bath and some time alone will certainly do me good. :)  There's so much to do... I'd like to get some progress done before the day ends... but I won't force myself, I need to be gentle with myself.

Perhaps, meditation will clear my mind and center me once more.

Lets see what the rest of the day has waiting for me...

The Moon is in Leo, time for some Lunar Magick (PBP 2013 wk 25)

The Moon is currently on the sign of  Leo until Friday 5 am central time. I like to follow Dr. Loretta Standley's moon void calendar.  Her moon void tables are like no other I've ever seen. She believes that when the moon is in transition it's hard to focus, things sometimes go awry or are misunderstood and the energy is overall a bit chaotic. She compares a moon void with the tedious task of moving to a different residence and the stress we feel when we are going through the process. I agree. I personally HATE moving. I don't like the packing process, and consequently the unpacking and set up. It is one of the most stressful situations one can go through in life. 

I'd originally planned on casting some spells to help me open my psychic senses, but of course life got in the way. I've been wanting to make a pendulum for almost a year, this Wednesday seemed perfect since there was New Moon last Saturday and the moon was in my sign. 

Tuesday and Wednesday had some unexpected plans. Family came to visit from out of town and they decided to stay the night at the last minute. Sooo I was busy with them mostly.

I thought they'd be leaving early Wednesday, which would give me enough time to catch up with my Angel Class, the blog posts, and my spell-work, but of course that also did not happen. Since I had to give up my bed, and sleep on the couch, I was drained and tired for most of the day. I've also got a college paper due Monday and other than research, I've done nothing. 

I feel like I've taken a bigger bite than I can chew, I'm not entirely overwhelmed but I'm falling behind. I work best under pressure, and I know I can get the paper done in no time. Stress actually gives me the kick I need to get it done. The rest, like the blog posts, and my angel class study definitely needs a push. There's so much I want to do but I'm always busy doing things for other people. I need to focus. 

I didn't want to completely miss the energy's moon in my sign, so even though I was tired by the end of the day Thursday, I decided to try a quick meditation and then I'd get on with my magickal to-do list. 

After my Angel meditation I took an uncrossing bath to remove any blocks or negativity I might have been carrying with me. 

As of the last few days, I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I know that I talk about my outbursts of emotions way too much, but it's part of who I am. 

I'm an emotional being, I'm in touch with my feelings and I express them openly. As of lately, love had been on my mind. I feel a bit lonely and somewhat disconnected from the previous links I'd made with this one guy in particular. We have a "flirtationship" that keeps us in the "friend" zone. We care about each other, we, have feelings for each other {or well I know for a fact that he had feelings for me at a certain point,} and we both know that there is something special there. Distance is the obstacle. Our flirtationship got a bit more real for me, and for a while it affected me more than I wanted to admit. Since then, I've maintained some distance in order to avoid feeling neglected. It's worked to a certain extent... 

I don't like feeling this way, and I know that timing is of the essence. This relationship is simply not meant to be, so I should not push it and I should not get overwhelmed by the fact that I feel lonely. I don't like feeling sad, and not having him reciprocate at the level my feelings were resonating hurt. So detachment and distance were necessary. 

Anyway, I attempted the light meditation before I took my cleansing bath. It took me into a dream state that depicted some emotional scenes with family members... I don't believe that it was for more than a few minutes, yet I know I was dreaming.

I was tired and sleepy and all I wanted to do was take a nap, but my naps are never really naps, they last 4-6 hours and sometimes all night.The short dream state lasted for about 20 minutes, or so I think; when I woke up, I felt refreshed and somewhat confused. I didn't even notice I'd fallen asleep, I was meditating and then went into this dream. It all happened so fast, I must have gone into REM sleep pretty quickly since that's the only phase where we have actual vivid dreams. 

I had my cleansing / uncrossing bath, and as I soaked I meditated. 

I worked on the light meditation as directed by Jess, and once again I got a purple / indigo light ... I've yet to figure out which Angel this color is associated with. I kept seeing this light pull me towards the center. It'd start off large and move towards the center. I kept trying to see what it was trying to show me but all I got was that pulling sensation. I then was engulfed by this indigo light; shapes swirled in front of me, but I couldn't make anything specific. I'll try it again today. 

I have a lot of work to get through and not enough motivation, but I definitely wanted to work some magick before the moon went into void again. 

There's a waxing moon in Leo, which means I can continue to attract anything I want to make my life better. 

I managed to tackle every magickal spell I had in mind before the moon left my sign. I worked some prosperity spells, some defensive magick and love/friendship magick. It all felt great! 

I've already discussed the different phases of the moon in a previous Pagan Blog Project post. This post discusses the best time for Lunar spell-work. Timing is the key. 

The Triple Goddess' energy is always present. We can work with her energy according to the many phases it goes through, from waxing to waning, full and new, each moon phase provides you with the energy you need to manifest your desires, it all depends on whether you want to remove things from your life or attract them. 

Everything you need comes to you at the right time. Patience is the key. You believe, you trust and you thank The Goddess for her help and soon enough you'll find the clues that will show you that your spell-work was in fact successful. ^_^

I know that my work will come to fruition, I no longer have doubts. That's the beauty of the this path, you get what you put into it, attract what you put out into the world. It's quite wonderful and the more I learn, the more I fall in love with it. 

Learning to Listen and Love with Laguz ... (PBP 2013 wk 24)

"Our future selves call us from infinite pasts, and each night are eroded with our dreams."

This week I've decided to focus on Laguz for my Pagan Blog Project post. All the information found here comes from my favorite Rune site, Rune Secrets, a study community that helps with their meaning and personal development. I'm also reading A Practical Guide to THE RUNES by Lisa Peschel. It's a small pocket book that fits perfectly in my bag of divination tools. I won't go into detail citing each entry but I am giving full credit to both these authors for the information provided below. 

Laguz, or Lagaz has been making an appearance in my weekly readings. I debated it's meaning since I'm not that familiar with this rune, and it's appearance is quite recent. 

I'm highly emotional and as of lately I've been feeling a bit melancholic and lonely. I don't wallow in self pity, in fact I allow these feelings to emerge and flow, I address them and remind myself that everything has a connection to the bigger picture of life. 

I'm enrolled in a tarot and Angel class that basically helps us develop our intuitive senses; the times Laguz has come out, it reminds me that intuition and love are in the picture. This may be because this rune, pronounced "Log-uhz," literally means water or ocean. The element of Water usually deals with intuition and emotions, inspiration, healing, and love. The esoteric meaning of Laguz is the unconscious, the collective memory. 

Rune Secrets states that Laguz is the rune of the unconscious context of becoming or the evolutionary process. It is the Rune of Life's longing for itself. 

Lisa Peschel describes Lagaz (Laguz) as a rune of intuitive knowledge which during a reading indicates you should follow your intuition closely in the matter in question. 

Lagaz is the principal female rune; if the querent is female, it usually represents her and it indicates that no matter what troubles beset her, she will be more than capable of dealing with them. If a man is the querent, this rune shows the presence of a strong and supportive female, possibly the most important female in his life. 

Rune Secrets describes the energy of Laguz as the life energy, the ocean spirit, the origins of life, the collective unconscious, the astral plane, love as unity and evolution. 

This rune governs trans-personal powers, the mastery of emotion in order to shape wyrd. 
Laguz governs guidance through difficult initiatory tests, an increase in vitality and life force, and the communication between your conscious mind to another's unconscious mind. 

This rune is about the development of a "second sight" or prophetic wisdom, all the powers of dreaming, lucid dreams, and astral projection. 

Laguz aids with the ability to develop and see with a clairvoyant sense; this rune can be used in establishing a communication link from your conscious mind, under willful intent, to the unconscious mind of another. 


"Water is the symbol of unconscious and invisible Life forces. All of life is dependent on water, and therefore Laguz represents the universal ocean, the supreme unity of all life: past, present and future." 

Without water we can not survive. 
Our bodies are made up of 50-60% of water; aside from the nourishment we get from food, water is absolutely necessary and we are dependent of it's life force.

Every living thing that surrounds us needs water to survive, this very important link connects us to absolutely everyone and every living thing, like a living network that connects us as it flows through us, water is life.  

"Water is a psychically chargeable medium." 

The Beings of the West govern this element, and guide our intuitive senses. Water is transparent and it'll take the shape of it's container, water will fit anywhere; and just like water our feelings and emotions flow through us to shine a light on whatever issues need addressing. 

As of lately, I've been very much in touch with my emotions.

These are not dooming feelings associated with irrational outbursts, they are more of an empathetic synchronicity with anything that relates to matters of the heart. 

I honestly can not help myself. Something will resonate with me, and next thing you know I am experiencing this knot in my throat, stinging in my eyes, and tears that flow freely.

I honor these emotions. 
If they are there, it must be for a reason. 
I rather feel than be numb. 
I allow them to flow through me, out of me, and back into the Universe. 
These feelings and emotions need to be released, and they keep me connected to humanity. 

Connecting with the element of water keeps me linked to my intuitive senses. My dreams offer a window into my unconscious and point out and highlight anything that may be happening in my life. 

Every time I connect with the elements I ask for guidance so that I stay true to each; I strengthen the bond I have with the elements during circle each and every time and in turn, I have a direct line with each. I don't complain, even when my emotions are running high, I couldn't, this link keeps me true to myself. It is my duty to grow, learn, and follow my higher self into enlightenment. 

Emotional hormonal mess, connecting with the Element of Water and beings of the West (PBP 2013 wk 9)

Sunday June 6, 2013

I'm trying to catch up with the posts I missed at the beginning of the year. This post was for March 1st, and so I've decided to schedule it for that date. I was in the middle of writing the post for last Friday but I'm seriously emotional and randomly crying so it seemed like I should address this instead. 

I honor my emotions as they come because they are part of me. I am someone who is very much in touch with my empathy, and sympathy for others. I'm a Leo, ruled by my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and this has the potential of hurting me when I least expect it. 

I mean, it doesn't help that I'm on my cycle, and highly hormonal; so in a way, my random outbursts are partially because of my hormonal state. This doesn't mean I'm dismissing my feelings and emotions. I am quite aware that these stem from a place that is still sensitive. 

I mean, I'm watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm getting teary-eyed. It isn't so random actually; any scene where Love is palpable opens the watergates. The scene where the men express they have known real love because of their kids, how they wouldn't change it for the world reminds me of what I long to have. I guess it touches the issues I currently have with my father... We have fallen apart and even though I am now a better person, stronger, more capable, unmovable, it doesn't change the fact that I love him. He is my father and I long for a connection. 

Aside from those issues that are in some serious need of healing, I am dealing with the fact that I am a bit lonely. The whole concept of love, and having someone that will be there for you through thick and thin makes me long for a meaningful relationship. 

As I type this I've started on the movie, Like Crazy. It sent me on a path through memory lane. Spending never ending days in bed, needing only each other to be happy, fighting against everyone's disapproval to be together. Feelings that assured me that I could not live without him... :sigh: It feels like it was so long ago. 

I've known love, I've felt that happiness, that connectedness you have with someone that simply moves you to your core. It helped me become stronger, it helped me find myself again during a time where I truly needed finding. It was beautiful while it lasted, and having it end taught me an unbelievable amount of lessons that are unsurpassed by any other experience. I experienced pain and loss, failure and a never ending loneliness that was a constant achy reminder of what I once had. 

I have no regrets. 

I am now almost fully healed. I've found my empathy once more, my ability to connect with everything and everyone. I am so thankful for this, to be able to feel... even when it aches, even when it makes me cry, even when I emotionally overreact... I am thankful. I rather feel than be numb. This is a truth that I accept full-heartedly. 

I connect with the elements on daily basis, they are part of me and I am part of them. I ask the beings of each corner to keep me true to myself, to help me keep connected with who and what they represent. I stay connected with Source, my higher self, the core of who I am by honoring what makes me, me. 

I understand that everything I need comes to me at the perfect time, and that I should be patient because I am not ready in some way. I trust that when the time is right I will have that relationship I so long for. 

Even while knowing this very important truth, I can not help myself from missing that wonderful feeling called love. I love freely, I give it freely, I appreciate the love that is around me. The love I long for is that of a romantic partner. I miss that connection that links you to someone else's soul. That very true emotion that keeps you happy for no apparent reason. The butterflies that flutter uncontrollably from the sound of his voice, the achy warmth that emanates from my loins and spreads throughout my body when he kisses my forehead. The way his arms feel around me while we sleep... and I say he because as of now, I don't know who this guy, my soul mate, my twin flame may be... or where he is. 

Last week's oracle message from the Romance Angels advised me to call for my soul-mate. Calling your Soul Mate - Your prayers, affirmations and visualizations help bring you together. At the time I pulled this card, I was in denial. The person I felt this card was about is ironically my ex... the irony is that even though I still love him, and always will, I am no longer in-love with him. I don't see myself with him because I want more... I want it all. Not just bits and pieces, not just what he can offer. I want to be truly happy with someone that will cherish me for who I am. I want it all. I want a love that will last until I'm old, a love that will put me, my happiness, my needs, ahead of his own, because that's what I would do for him.... 

I'm not sure my ex can step up to the challenge. He's different somehow. He's trying, he's changing, he's striving to be better... but his core, that thing that keeps him chained to his addictions stand in the way. I feel he's realized he wants me in his life, and is doing anything he can to keep me in it. He has a long way to go... my feelings have changed and I am not sure I can even picture myself with him anymore. Not the way I did before anyway. I want more. 

I don't know what the future holds for me... but I do know that I want to be happy... anything less is not worth who I am. 

I thought I understood it.

That I could grasp it.

But I didn't. 

Not really.

Only the 'smudgeness' of it.

The pink-slippered,

all-containered,

semi-precious eagerness of it. 

I didn't realize it would 

sometimes be more than whole. 

That the wholeness

was a rather luxurious idea. 

Because it's the halves

that halve you in half. 

Didn't know. Don't know

about the in-between bits. 

The gory bits of you

and gory bits of me. 

~ Anna, Like Crazy