E squared, Elusive Feelings and Evasive Card Readings (PBP 2014 wk 10)

This whole week has been about signs and trying to figure out why it is that my feelings are so elusive. I'm having an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming) time fully grasping what they mean. Defining or fully expressing my feelings and emotions is proving to be more complicated than I anticipated. Letting him know this directly feels like an impossible task. I understand that my Ego is on the way, I know that my pride is keeping me from putting it all on the table. I'm holding back because I feel that rejection will force me to face the facts; I'll have to accept once and for all that it's over. I feel this is also one of the reasons why I've been avoiding my personal readings. Which by the way, I'm still doing.

I read E Squared earlier in the week. Gordo (my best friend) suggested I read Sugar-Baby Bridge, a book written by a gay marine and social figure he follows. He wants to discuss it since he feels so disappointed by his writing and the overall plot of the book. I've yet to make up my mind about it, but then again, I'm on chapter 7.

While I was on Kindle, I accidentally clicked on E squared. I read the first few lines and I simply could not stop. I had purchased E Squared because we'll be covering it in one of my Tribe groups. I've had it for months but had yet to even open it up. It was a happy accident because all of the sudden, it hit me, this is the book Gordo should read to understand why magick works. He's an atheist or well, he was. It seems that he's slowly changing his mind about the infinite possibilities that encompass our physical world. He wants me to read his cards, and recently, he indirectly asked me to cast a spell for him. Its exciting since he's been a non believer for so long. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, he deserves nothing but the world. I want him to realize How amazing he truly is. He's an incredible friend and a genuinely good individual. I'd love nothing more than to cast for him, help him believe in the unseen. However, before I even attempt this, I would like for him to believe first. I don't want him to block my efforts.

So, I quickly vetted the book and even saved some experiments for me to try out. One of them of course had to do with Sagittarius Guy. Here's where my elusive feelings come into play. I keep wondering why it is that I feel so strongly for this guy. I've managed to keep my distance, keep busy, start dating (more or less) and yet, he's still there. My heart chakra has such strong reactions when it involves this guy. I'm one strong witch, I'm determined and I believe in my abilities even when I'm a bit doubtful. I've done clearing work, cleansing work, uncrossings, etc. I figured, I was opening myself up for new possibilities, new experiences and relationships. I'm meeting new guys, but Sagittarius guy is still there, in my heart, he's on my mind and on my skin... he's inside me...

I gave the Universe 48hrs for a sign. I asked my question at 11:34pm Wednesday night, and expected a response by Friday around that same time. The question was, whether I should continue to pursue Sagittarius guy or not. A simple yes or no question. This is something I've been wondering for way too long. I wanted clear signs, something that I couldn't confuse for mere coincidences. I wanted to be sure before I placed myself on the line of fire. After I made my inquiry to the Universe I simply let it go. I did wonder how these signs would manifest, but other than that, I left it up to the Universe.

Most of Thursday was uneventful. Somewhere along those first 12 hours I decided that if we logged into Facebook at the same time at least three times then that would be my sign(s). As I went about my day, and after completely getting engrossed in the work I was doing, I thought of him, and logged in. He was online. This online coincidence counted as one. This happened once more that same day. On Friday these online coincidences were more frequent. It seemed that every time I logged in he was already on, or he would log in a few minutes after I would. This seemed like a pretty strong set of signs given that in the past we rarely had virtual run-ins. I needed more. I needed a stronger sign. I wanted him to contact me, or message me, or post something that would show me that there's something worth fighting for.

I decide to put my intentions out into the Universe in a more physical way. I posted a Facebook update hoping he'd see it and get the hint. Well, my friends started to comment, and before you know it, we're having an open conversation about signs. We joke, we play, they suggest I face my fear and simply tell him how I feel. I admit that my Ego is on the way and insist I wait for a sign. I somehow decide I want to look at his page, and that's when I saw it. The picture. His cousin was having a 3 day birthday celebration and on night 1 there seemed to be a group photo, and well, Sagittarius guy was there with his arm around a girl.

 

My emotional reaction was immediate and unavoidable. It's at times like these that I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I told myself, "well, that's a pretty clear sign, isn't it?" My reaction certainly pointed me towards yes. I updated my post and my friends on the latest developments and resigned to let it be. C'est la Vie, no? I had a mini emotional outburst... actually, it was pretty intense. To top it all off, I tried to check his Facebook again after my latest update and my phone could NOT reach his wall. I freaked out even more, suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt like such a mess. Crying like a baby over a guy because he had someone else, and then crying harder because I thought he had unfriended me. Oh gosh. I sound so pathetic.

 

I regained my composure just on time; one of my close friends messaged me privately asking what had happened. Before I could begin my story, Sag guy's cousin messages me. It felt like a sign. Like Divine Intervention, a sign that would clear up my doubts. He asked me what I was up to and I confessed that I was a bit blue, "my feelings are stronger than I want to admit."  He immediately asked me if I was referring to Sag guy. Seeing his name, having someone else know who this is makes me so uncomfortable. It's like, something inside of me refuses to admit how I feel for Sag guy. Sag guy's cousin is well aware of what's going on with me, it's not like it was news to him, and yet, it took some effort for me to admit that I was crying over him.  Leo pride, I guess.

 

His cousin tried to comfort me a bit. It feels though, as if he's trying to lead me away ...he keeps suggesting I sleep with someone else. I have a feeling he's interested in getting into my pants.  I've expressed how I feel about this and have made it clear that there's no way in hell that anything could ever happen between us. Sag guy would NEVER forgive me for sleeping with his cousin, and besides, I'm not even attracted to him. When Sag guy and I were seeing each other, we'd have these random discussions about my past and he'd go a bit overboard with jealousy at the thought of me having anything to do with any of his friends. In fact this was a big issue during our relationship. I can't imagine how he would feel if his cousin was involved.

 

While I shared my troubles with the cousin I had the nagging feeling that Sag guy was with him. He'd been at the birthday celebration the night before, so it was easy to assume that he'd be present for night 2. I didn't ask to confirm but I felt it. I did however ask if he knew if Sag guy was seeing anyone, and even mentioned the picture. The cousin said he didn't think so, and that he wasn't aware of anything. This gave me some sort of comfort. I felt that maybe I had overreacted and misinterpreted the sign. Perhaps the sign was that my feelings are fucking strong enough for me to face the music. I mean, if I react that way over something so insignificant it must mean I have some pretty strong feelings that I need to explore... or well, in my case, face.

 

 I found out the next day that Sag guy had been RIGHT NEXT to his cousin while the cousin and I had a heart to heart. This made me a bit nervous, but at the same time, I wished that our conversation was fully disclosed. Perhaps this way he'd know how I feel and make up his mind. His cousin tells me that everything we discuss is between the two of us, so who knows.

After realizing that perhaps my interpretation had been wrong I needed a distraction. I had planned on staying in to read my cards and write. There's sooo much catching up I need to do, and I just keep on procrastinating. I'd told myself that I'd be productive that night, that I'd finally face the cards and see what's going on. Of course this didn't happen. I evaded the truth and my cards by procrastinating some more. I even contacted Emo A. something I never do. He's usually the one to ask me to hang out. I deliberately went out of my way to avoid thinking about Sag Guy. I went to Emo A's and well... the inevitable happened. I know that I'm dealing with my emotions the wrong way. Spending the night at Emo A's only made me long for time with Sag Guy. :/  

I still don't know which path I'll follow... If only he'd reach out. If only things were as they were in the beginning... If only I hadn't made those first mistakes. There are so many "if only's," but "if only's" live in the past and I'm currently focusing on the present. 

I'm letting the Universe guide me. I'm asking for guidance and I trust that I will receive it when the time is right. Until then, I'll continue to pursue my elusive feelings and my evasive card readings.  One day at a time.

...Reality Blues. The Emotional Aftermath.

Damn me again.

What am I doing?

My heart chakra feels extremely overwhelmed. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I know I'm extra sensitive because of my period, but I also know and admit this goes deeper. Fuck.

I honestly don't understand why I behave the way I do… its like, I forget about dignity, about his behavior, the way I feel afterwards, when he's still not around. :/

I told myself that I wouldn't reach out, that I would let it go…. Only to compromise with my ego and my heart by wanting to contact him one last time. He was invited to the same party but I wasn't really expecting him to go to the club, although part of me felt he would. That part of me fantasized about a night of fun filled situations where he'd come to me because he simply couldn't stay away. Others where he'd come to my rescue like a knight in shining armor ready to defend my honor. I'm silly, I know.

Thing is, my fantasies all happened. He couldn't stay away, he saved me a couple of times, was sweet and protective, also possessive and playful. That’s the thing, when I'm around him, everything seems fine, fun, exciting. I forget about his dickish behavior and get lost in the moment.

He knows this well enough. He also knows how I feel about him, and knows my weaknesses and my sweet spots. He knows my body and knows my body remembers his touch only too well.

Fuck. Me.

I have feelings for him. He just wants my body… or at least that’s how it feels. He'll always want me, he'll always crave me. But this isn't enough to make him want to stick around.

Shit. Admitting this is definitely hurting.

Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? He's sooo short, and chubby, AND HAIRY! dorky, and such a Dick!! I feel like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she realizes she has feelings for Charlie. He's short, bald, and hairy. lol
Oh gosh, I got it bad. Thinking about his stupid laugh puts a smile on my face. When I first met him it was soooo annoying! Now, when I think about it, it makes me laugh or at the very least smile.

We had such a good time last night, everything was perfect. He was perfect, right until we both fell asleep.

He made love to me with such passion and intensity, kissed me the entire time, whispered sweet little nothings… I'm getting lost in my reminiscent moment. He even held me most of the night… it was almost perfect.

Right around dawn he reverted back to Dick behavior.

The morning felt like it was just a selfish fuck. I'm not saying I didn't want it, because I'm admitting that my body language was asking for more… he though I was asleep and said, "Sele, wake up." followed by him pressing against me as I'm faced down. He only lasted as long as it took him to cum. It was still really good, and I was really close but didn't get to finish. He had reverted to full Dick mode by this point.

We both went to sleep after this. When we woke up a couple of hours later, the energy he was giving off was a bit more distant. The ride home was playful, light and fun. I can't seem to hold a grudge with this guy.  Can't remember to forget you is definitely the theme song of this relationship.

When I'm around him, I'm happy and careless. I was enjoying the last few moments with him… I feel like such a junkie.

A junkie. :SIGH: What a description.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I feel so strongly about this guy. Its frustratingly annoying. I know that these were choices I made, and therefore I should face the consequences they bring. I just feel I can't think clearly when I'm near him, my body wants him, my heart wants to be near him, I crave his presence.