Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:
Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:
:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)
The Architect:
Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.
My response:
:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^
The Architect:
Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!
My response:
haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.
The Architect:
Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!
My response:
 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.
The Architect:
Night Selene!!
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.
and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."
I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.
My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Dare to Hope... Healing & Finding Happiness. (PBP 2014 wk 15)

For this week's post I decided to write about Hope, Healing and Happiness. Something that for me, goes hand in hand. I long with all my heart, to be truly happy. I know that what's keeping me from attaining this is my chronic health issues. Healing is an utmost priority.

I know that these issues I'm experiencing make me a better person, and when these fears and obstacles are conquered, it will make me a stronger individual. I know that if I wasn't experiencing this, I wouldn't be on this path...

I dare to hope.

I dare to hope that one day I will attain the perfect health I long for. I believe with all my heart that God & Goddess, Divinity, The Universe will align me in a way that will help me attain the healthy mind, body, and soul I seek.

I'm holding on to hope for dear life.
My faith keeps me anchored.

I believe in miracles and I know that Divinity will not fail me. I am after all, one with The Universe.

I long for Love. True unconditional love.

In the Tibetan meditation class I learned about attachment and conditional love.. We love with conditions. I want to simply love, unconditionally, and to be loved with as much intensity as my soul can handle.

I hope to find this love. Hope: That flickering light that holds on for dear life even in windy environments... the light that keeps your faith anchored, even when you're surrounded by darkness. That light of hope that assures you that in the end, you will find your happily ever after.

My heart wants... oh, it wants so much I can hardly hold it back. 

My Heart wants to give, it wants to love, it wants intimacy, it wants to care, to soar, and jump, it want's to rejoice and sing the sweet sweet melodies composed by the heart when in love. My heart wants to fall in love, and stay in love. It wants to experience the type of love soul mates have for one another.

My soul wants to be happy. My soul deserves to be happy.

I hope to find Happiness through Healing. After all, balance is the key to everything...  

During last month's New Moon, I worked on a Healing / Happiness crystal grid. I am working with my Angels and guides, with Spirit and of course, the crystal's and their magick / medicine. The grid feels good, it's definitely helping me deal with my own short comings. It's helping me with the changes I need to make, and to love myself above all.

I feel more grounded, yet light. I feel this energy shift is what helped me attract the guy I  met last Saturday. The Architect. A beautiful individual in every aspect of the word.

The last time I went out with the intention of meeting someone, my energy was so off that I ended with Emo A. The sexually confused emo guy.

This time around, I went out expecting little since we were headed to a gay art show.

The odds of finding an attractive male were of course in my favor, the odds of encountering an attractive "straight" male were zero to none. In spite of the odds, I still dabbed a couple of drops of Jess Carlson's Out All Night oil and walked out the door. I was ready for what the night would bring.

I was a bit hesitant when my best friend, Gordo, suggested we hit Barbarella (awesome bar in Austin Texas) after the art show. I wasn't ready to share him with his "other" woman but of course I obliged. I have a habit of saying "YES, LETS DO IT" (even when I don't feel like doing that particular "it.") While with my bestie, "no" does not exist. And, oh, am I glad.

As expected my friend got lost in chatter with his friends. I'm not a wallflower type, but didn't particularly feel like making small talk with the group. Sooo I walked off to the dance floor, I was there to dance after all. Plus, it was a regular night, which meant, lots of straight guys.

It seriously took me less than two songs to find the guy of my dreams.  ^_^

I was surrounded by a group of guys dancing the night away. Straight guys out dancing and having fun --that's the type of atmosphere you get a Barbs. There was this tall and attractive chubby guy that was coming on strong but in a cute silly way. He was hip bumping me and dropping it like it was hot right in front of me. It was amusing, but he wasn't it.

I was fully enjoying myself when all of the sudden I saw "Him" from across the dance floor, I smiled a few times, made eye contact and kept on dancing. I separated myself from the group of guys and next thing you know, He's next to me. He asked if I was "with the tall guy in plaid."  I clarified and told him I was there with my gay best friend, who was at moment having a drink by the bar, technically, I was there "alone." hehe The rest was history. He didn't let go of me all night. Even when he'd go to get me a drink, he'd leave me with his group of friends so I wouldn't stand / dance there alone. (Or so I wouldn't get "picked up" by another guy.)

The Architect is SUCH a gentleman! Tall, handsome, fit, beautiful and most importantly, eloquent, clever, witty and smart. He has the softest beard, just the right shade of light brown/blond and a very nice ass. Oh gosh, I'm crushing. HARD. :sigh: I love the way he approached me, how sweet and good looking he is, but most of all, I love his personality and kind heart. :sigh: Crush at first sight.

With most guys, I'll usually lose interest after I get to know the individual a little better. With The Architect, it's the complete opposite. The more I find out about him, the more I like him. I know it's waaay too soon but I'm daring to hope that maybe this can be something. His first text message was sent at 1:23 am... and another crucial message was sent at 3:33..  Even his phone number has a 444 in it. I mean, it definitely feels like something. :sigh: oh gosh, why do these signs feel like definite YES!?

Gordo LOVES him. In fact, he urges me to, (and I quote) "not fuck it up with this guy." He seems to be mesmerized by The Architect.
I'm not forcing anything, I'm just letting it be. I'm enjoying it to the fullest and allowing things to simply develop as they are meant to.

I dare to hope that maybe this individual will be a beautiful experience... I would love it if he was the one. I'm such a hopeless romantic...

I long to love... and I know the Universe will not disappoint.

I know I need to get back on track with my diet in order to control my chronic issues, I am determined to achieve balance of mind, body and spirit.

"I will, therefore I am."

Friday, March 7, 2014

E squared, Elusive Feelings and Evasive Card Readings (PBP 2014 wk 10)

This whole week has been about signs and trying to figure out why it is that my feelings are so elusive. I'm having an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming) time fully grasping what they mean. Defining or fully expressing my feelings and emotions is proving to be more complicated than I anticipated. Letting him know this directly feels like an impossible task. I understand that my Ego is on the way, I know that my pride is keeping me from putting it all on the table. I'm holding back because I feel that rejection will force me to face the facts; I'll have to accept once and for all that it's over. I feel this is also one of the reasons why I've been avoiding my personal readings. Which by the way, I'm still doing.

I read E Squared earlier in the week. Gordo (my best friend) suggested I read Sugar-Baby Bridge, a book written by a gay marine and social figure he follows. He wants to discuss it since he feels so disappointed by his writing and the overall plot of the book. I've yet to make up my mind about it, but then again, I'm on chapter 7.

While I was on Kindle, I accidentally clicked on E squared. I read the first few lines and I simply could not stop. I had purchased E Squared because we'll be covering it in one of my Tribe groups. I've had it for months but had yet to even open it up. It was a happy accident because all of the sudden, it hit me, this is the book Gordo should read to understand why magick works. He's an atheist or well, he was. It seems that he's slowly changing his mind about the infinite possibilities that encompass our physical world. He wants me to read his cards, and recently, he indirectly asked me to cast a spell for him. Its exciting since he's been a non believer for so long. I want him to be happy and fulfilled, he deserves nothing but the world. I want him to realize How amazing he truly is. He's an incredible friend and a genuinely good individual. I'd love nothing more than to cast for him, help him believe in the unseen. However, before I even attempt this, I would like for him to believe first. I don't want him to block my efforts.

So, I quickly vetted the book and even saved some experiments for me to try out. One of them of course had to do with Sagittarius Guy. Here's where my elusive feelings come into play. I keep wondering why it is that I feel so strongly for this guy. I've managed to keep my distance, keep busy, start dating (more or less) and yet, he's still there. My heart chakra has such strong reactions when it involves this guy. I'm one strong witch, I'm determined and I believe in my abilities even when I'm a bit doubtful. I've done clearing work, cleansing work, uncrossings, etc. I figured, I was opening myself up for new possibilities, new experiences and relationships. I'm meeting new guys, but Sagittarius guy is still there, in my heart, he's on my mind and on my skin... he's inside me...

I gave the Universe 48hrs for a sign. I asked my question at 11:34pm Wednesday night, and expected a response by Friday around that same time. The question was, whether I should continue to pursue Sagittarius guy or not. A simple yes or no question. This is something I've been wondering for way too long. I wanted clear signs, something that I couldn't confuse for mere coincidences. I wanted to be sure before I placed myself on the line of fire. After I made my inquiry to the Universe I simply let it go. I did wonder how these signs would manifest, but other than that, I left it up to the Universe.

Most of Thursday was uneventful. Somewhere along those first 12 hours I decided that if we logged into Facebook at the same time at least three times then that would be my sign(s). As I went about my day, and after completely getting engrossed in the work I was doing, I thought of him, and logged in. He was online. This online coincidence counted as one. This happened once more that same day. On Friday these online coincidences were more frequent. It seemed that every time I logged in he was already on, or he would log in a few minutes after I would. This seemed like a pretty strong set of signs given that in the past we rarely had virtual run-ins. I needed more. I needed a stronger sign. I wanted him to contact me, or message me, or post something that would show me that there's something worth fighting for.

I decide to put my intentions out into the Universe in a more physical way. I posted a Facebook update hoping he'd see it and get the hint. Well, my friends started to comment, and before you know it, we're having an open conversation about signs. We joke, we play, they suggest I face my fear and simply tell him how I feel. I admit that my Ego is on the way and insist I wait for a sign. I somehow decide I want to look at his page, and that's when I saw it. The picture. His cousin was having a 3 day birthday celebration and on night 1 there seemed to be a group photo, and well, Sagittarius guy was there with his arm around a girl.
My emotional reaction was immediate and unavoidable. It's at times like these that I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I told myself, "well, that's a pretty clear sign, isn't it?" My reaction certainly pointed me towards yes. I updated my post and my friends on the latest developments and resigned to let it be. C'est la Vie, no? I had a mini emotional outburst... actually, it was pretty intense. To top it all off, I tried to check his Facebook again after my latest update and my phone could NOT reach his wall. I freaked out even more, suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt like such a mess. Crying like a baby over a guy because he had someone else, and then crying harder because I thought he had unfriended me. Oh gosh. I sound so pathetic.
I regained my composure just on time; one of my close friends messaged me privately asking what had happened. Before I could begin my story, Sag guy's cousin messages me. It felt like a sign. Like Divine Intervention, a sign that would clear up my doubts. He asked me what I was up to and I confessed that I was a bit blue, "my feelings are stronger than I want to admit."  He immediately asked me if I was referring to Sag guy. Seeing his name, having someone else know who this is makes me so uncomfortable. It's like, something inside of me refuses to admit how I feel for Sag guy. Sag guy's cousin is well aware of what's going on with me, it's not like it was news to him, and yet, it took some effort for me to admit that I was crying over him.  Leo pride, I guess.
His cousin tried to comfort me a bit. It feels though, as if he's trying to lead me away ...he keeps suggesting I sleep with someone else. I have a feeling he's interested in getting into my pants.  I've expressed how I feel about this and have made it clear that there's no way in hell that anything could ever happen between us. Sag guy would NEVER forgive me for sleeping with his cousin, and besides, I'm not even attracted to him. When Sag guy and I were seeing each other, we'd have these random discussions about my past and he'd go a bit overboard with jealousy at the thought of me having anything to do with any of his friends. In fact this was a big issue during our relationship. I can't imagine how he would feel if his cousin was involved.
While I shared my troubles with the cousin I had the nagging feeling that Sag guy was with him. He'd been at the birthday celebration the night before, so it was easy to assume that he'd be present for night 2. I didn't ask to confirm but I felt it. I did however ask if he knew if Sag guy was seeing anyone, and even mentioned the picture. The cousin said he didn't think so, and that he wasn't aware of anything. This gave me some sort of comfort. I felt that maybe I had overreacted and misinterpreted the sign. Perhaps the sign was that my feelings are fucking strong enough for me to face the music. I mean, if I react that way over something so insignificant it must mean I have some pretty strong feelings that I need to explore... or well, in my case, face.
 I found out the next day that Sag guy had been RIGHT NEXT to his cousin while the cousin and I had a heart to heart. This made me a bit nervous, but at the same time, I wished that our conversation was fully disclosed. Perhaps this way he'd know how I feel and make up his mind. His cousin tells me that everything we discuss is between the two of us, so who knows.

After realizing that perhaps my interpretation had been wrong I needed a distraction. I had planned on staying in to read my cards and write. There's sooo much catching up I need to do, and I just keep on procrastinating. I'd told myself that I'd be productive that night, that I'd finally face the cards and see what's going on. Of course this didn't happen. I evaded the truth and my cards by procrastinating some more. I even contacted Emo A. something I never do. He's usually the one to ask me to hang out. I deliberately went out of my way to avoid thinking about Sag Guy. I went to Emo A's and well... the inevitable happened. I know that I'm dealing with my emotions the wrong way. Spending the night at Emo A's only made me long for time with Sag Guy. :/  

I still don't know which path I'll follow... If only he'd reach out. If only things were as they were in the beginning... If only I hadn't made those first mistakes. There are so many "if only's," but "if only's" live in the past and I'm currently focusing on the present. 

I'm letting the Universe guide me. I'm asking for guidance and I trust that I will receive it when the time is right. Until then, I'll continue to pursue my elusive feelings and my evasive card readings.  One day at a time.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

...Reality Blues. The Emotional Aftermath.

Damn me again.

What am I doing?

My heart chakra feels extremely overwhelmed. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I know I'm extra sensitive because of my period, but I also know and admit this goes deeper. Fuck.

I honestly don't understand why I behave the way I do… its like, I forget about dignity, about his behavior, the way I feel afterwards, when he's still not around. :/

I told myself that I wouldn't reach out, that I would let it go…. Only to compromise with my ego and my heart by wanting to contact him one last time. He was invited to the same party but I wasn't really expecting him to go to the club, although part of me felt he would. That part of me fantasized about a night of fun filled situations where he'd come to me because he simply couldn't stay away. Others where he'd come to my rescue like a knight in shining armor ready to defend my honor. I'm silly, I know.

Thing is, my fantasies all happened. He couldn't stay away, he saved me a couple of times, was sweet and protective, also possessive and playful. That’s the thing, when I'm around him, everything seems fine, fun, exciting. I forget about his dickish behavior and get lost in the moment.

He knows this well enough. He also knows how I feel about him, and knows my weaknesses and my sweet spots. He knows my body and knows my body remembers his touch only too well.

Fuck. Me.

I have feelings for him. He just wants my body… or at least that’s how it feels. He'll always want me, he'll always crave me. But this isn't enough to make him want to stick around.

Shit. Admitting this is definitely hurting.

Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? He's sooo short, and chubby, AND HAIRY! dorky, and such a Dick!! I feel like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she realizes she has feelings for Charlie. He's short, bald, and hairy. lol
Oh gosh, I got it bad. Thinking about his stupid laugh puts a smile on my face. When I first met him it was soooo annoying! Now, when I think about it, it makes me laugh or at the very least smile.

We had such a good time last night, everything was perfect. He was perfect, right until we both fell asleep.

He made love to me with such passion and intensity, kissed me the entire time, whispered sweet little nothings… I'm getting lost in my reminiscent moment. He even held me most of the night… it was almost perfect.

Right around dawn he reverted back to Dick behavior.

The morning felt like it was just a selfish fuck. I'm not saying I didn't want it, because I'm admitting that my body language was asking for more… he though I was asleep and said, "Sele, wake up." followed by him pressing against me as I'm faced down. He only lasted as long as it took him to cum. It was still really good, and I was really close but didn't get to finish. He had reverted to full Dick mode by this point.

We both went to sleep after this. When we woke up a couple of hours later, the energy he was giving off was a bit more distant. The ride home was playful, light and fun. I can't seem to hold a grudge with this guy.  Can't remember to forget you is definitely the theme song of this relationship.

When I'm around him, I'm happy and careless. I was enjoying the last few moments with him… I feel like such a junkie.

A junkie. :SIGH: What a description.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I feel so strongly about this guy. Its frustratingly annoying. I know that these were choices I made, and therefore I should face the consequences they bring. I just feel I can't think clearly when I'm near him, my body wants him, my heart wants to be near him, I crave his presence.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Draining Distractions and a bit of Depression (PBP 2014 wk 8)

I got back from my Austin getaway feeling more drained than when I got there. I had a fantastic time with my friends, and a less than an ideal time with the little hiccups we encountered on our way back. All in all, it was a successful trip. It sort of makes me wish my life was where it needs to be, and not where it is now. I see myself moving back to Austin and living the life I'm meant to be living, close to my friends and the city I've grown to love so much.

Patience is a virtue.

Part of me gets SO frustrated with my current situation, specifically my mother's Taurus ways. I feel like I just want to walk away...   My ego wants me to say, FUCK IT!

...and at times, I do. Or at least to different degrees.  My spirit, my heart chakra, my loving side tells me to be patient and to try and understand the other person's perspective. At times this is easy to do, but every once in a while, it gets pretty fucking hard.

I was doing SO great with MAY CAUSE MIRACLES, I was on track, learning, feeling, growing... and then my trip happened and drinking happened, and DISTRACTIONS happened. This is no excuse of course, my choices, my actions. I got caught up in the happy feelings and the excitement that came with spending a few days with the people I love the most.

I know that my drinking was definitely self destructive behavior, but I don't know. This time, it was like a purging or a "one-last-night" of fun debauchery.

I feel I've been doing that since the year started. I keep eating things outside my diet, I keep telling myself that I'll start over next Monday, next new moon, next month and when the time comes, I choose to indulge instead of start over. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's only February. I just feel that I need to get back on track before I get back in the state I was before.

I worked on a cleansing over the Full Moon last week. I even incorporated Crystals in my bath ^_^ ... I felt GREAT! The energy was high and full. I was expecting myself to jump back on track this past Monday but my sexcapade and my eating habits had me pushing my DIET back yet another week. By now, I have a feeling that this will come to full circle during the dark of the moon / new moon at the end of the month.

I ordered some stones and crystals from amazon. Got some pink quartz, green quartz, and a new set of lapiz lazuli rune stones. I plan on incorporating these in a healing grid over the new moon to help me get back on my healing track and achieve my goals. I've been dealing with some chronic issues that are in definite need of alignment and balance. I feel that I finally have, or at least I will have, all the necessary items to optimize my return to balance. I'm treating my issues with western and eastern medicine: chakra alignment, natural remedies, diet changes, and medication. I feel Archangel Raphael has pointed me in the right direction, I trust that He's guiding me and helping me heal. ^_^

It's all about timing.

I should have the last items by the 28th, I can work on the ritual and work with the Dark of the Moon to purge myself of any remaining negative behavior, thoughts, people, or energies so I can begin anew with the New Moon.

My distractions have kept me procrastinating and extending my sabbatical. I want to believe that this is my body's way of taking a break before getting back on track; perhaps I've been pushing it back because I needed to experience what I did just a bit ago... another DISAPPOINTMENT that is definitely having me wanting to let go and cut chords that keep me linked to these people or these energies.

I seriously just had a pretty intense crying episode over Justin ending our friendship the most cowardly way possible... by unfriending me. He gave me no explanation, he said nothing. He crossed my mind and when I went to his page I realized he had blocked me from seeing his wall. I asked and that's when I realized he unfriended me. I blocked him after that... and ugly cried for quite a bit.

It reminded me of when Rhena ended our friendship because I was a witch. I cried for a week...

I don't know what's going on with Justin. I know he tried calling me recently and I was a bit busy at the time. I can't think of anything that would make him behave in such a way. Maybe his ego was bruised when I didn't pick up, I don't know and I guess it no longer matters. His so called feelings were just a passing fad I guess.

I'm done crying. Writing helps.

I've been a bit depressed this week. I feel as if the St. Valentine's day blues were just delayed a week. Sagittarius guy is on my mind, but this little Justin episode is definitely making me stronger. Which means, THERE IS NO WAY I'M REACHING OUT TO THIS IDIOT now. He doesn't care, and having him show me yet again that he doesn't care will only upset me more.

I thought I would reach out one last time, I wanted to be strong and just put it all out there. I wanted to follow LOVE and feelings and just jump and put myself out in the open, I wanted to let him know straight from my mouth that I have feelings for him, that I want to try a relationship with him. That I miss and want things to go back to how they were at first... I wanted to do this. To just rip off the bandage and take it from there. Either move forward or move on... but now, now I feel that I should just let it go now. There's no point in dragging it out any longer. As I type this, my heart chakra aches .. :sigh:

I know this is my Ego talking, being afraid of rejection...

Perhaps I'll drunk message him one last time this weekend. Then I'll know for sure, and then I can at least not have any regrets. If I'm drunk, there are no inhibitions. I can be honest and careless and if it doesn't turn out to be what I want, then I'll just drink some more and dance the night away. Then I can purge myself, cut chords, and remove him completely with the Dark of The Moon.

I want to be balanced and happy. I understand I need to experience certain situations that will teach me whatever lessons I need in order to move forward. I am mindful of my feelings and I honor myself by loving myself unconditionally.

:) I trust that I will make the best out of every situation, even if I stumble along the way, I'll eventually find my way. :)

Friday, February 7, 2014

In dire need of a Chakra realignment (PBP 2014 wk 6)

I'm going through an emotional hiccup. My heart chakra feels as it did before, overactive. I'm overly emotional, and very sensitive as of lately.

I feel everything.

It's not uncontrollable or too overwhelming, but its enough to have me crying at the encounter of any triggers. I feel a bit depressed. It's not bad really, actually, I wouldn't say depressed, I'm just avoiding human interaction... and not really caring about my appearance. I look insane and I could care less. I'm considering a shower but maybe I'll do that after I'm done with yoga, which will be after this post. See, Yoga! that's definitely a sign I'm NOT depressed. My family is going through their own turmoil, their energies are really high or low, at times conflicting and offensive. I don't have the energy for that. I'm doing my thing, getting my life together one day at a time.

I feel I should be more involved with my family; like, I should help them more in their journey... and, I want to, I'm just going through my own journey. I'm not ready to be the pillar of strength when I feel a bit shaky myself.

I'm too sensitive at the moment. My mom is stressed and tends to lash out, I get it. I just don't appreciate her lashing out at me. I want to help out more, but I don't have the energy. Same with my sister, she's going through some inner struggles, she's soul searching. According to my mom, she's in a dark place. I've known this for so long that I had forgotten I was the only one that really understood where these issues stemmed from. Mom got a glimpse and it scared her. I just support my sister the best way I can. I keep her in my prayers and I am there when she needs me, when she reaches out for me. I can't really force her to speak to me. She's a Sagittarius, she works on her own terms. If I approach her before she's ready she lashes out, and I don't feel like dealing with that either.

I started May Cause Miracles on Monday, and I'm focusing on changing my life for good. I know that this guidebook will help me find the way. I would looove to share this experience with my sister, but she's a skeptic and I doubt she'll want to do this with me. I think that I will suggest it once I'm done with the 40 days and she sees the change for herself. This way, she'll be more open to giving it a try. :) Here's to hoping! In the mean time, I will work on sending some positive loving energy her way.

I have to say, the support of The Wild Spirit Tribe is really helping me focus. The support of like-minded individuals that are going through similar issues definitely helps to balance my magical path with my mundane life. Plus, it's freaking awesome!!! We have access to a vast library of tools for virtually every aspect of our magical journey! Jess Carlson has created a pretty neat community that is there to help us grow and find our true inner guidance as pagans, witches, and spiritual beings. With Jess, we have support on the tribe and on the facebook groups as well as monthly calls that allow us to be more interactive and action driven. Depending on which groups you're in, we have multiple calls a month and unlimited access to the tribe and her counsel! I can't stop raving! I mean, come on! She's responsible for THE PAGAN BLOG PROJECT!! haha

I'm loving the Tribe! Some members I've known since my journey began, others I met through the tarot and angel course, and they continue to be strong members of my life and my spiritual community. There's so much to do, so much to learn, so much to accomplish and experience that there's no room for negativity or fears.

I know that I'm going through an emotional patch, and this too is a learning experience. Matters of the heart seem to be my Achilles heel. haha hence why I feel it's time for a chakra realignment. I feel somewhat unstable. It's not too bad, just learning experiences. I'd like to be completely centered. I love to feel, and I know and understand that feelings sometimes include aches. I know these are all learning experiences...

... I just went through like 10 minutes of trying to put into words how I'm feeling towards this guy, and it made no sense! How annoying! haha I feel clouded. I need a chakra realignment. In our angel course we're doing healing work with our Angels. This is the perfect opportunity to do some healing and chakra realignment. I need to center myself. I'll work on a chakra realignment ritual over the next few days. I need to be Zen again. :)