Friday, February 21, 2014

Draining Distractions and a bit of Depression (PBP 2014 wk 8)

I got back from my Austin getaway feeling more drained than when I got there. I had a fantastic time with my friends, and a less than an ideal time with the little hiccups we encountered on our way back. All in all, it was a successful trip. It sort of makes me wish my life was where it needs to be, and not where it is now. I see myself moving back to Austin and living the life I'm meant to be living, close to my friends and the city I've grown to love so much.

Patience is a virtue.

Part of me gets SO frustrated with my current situation, specifically my mother's Taurus ways. I feel like I just want to walk away...   My ego wants me to say, FUCK IT!

...and at times, I do. Or at least to different degrees.  My spirit, my heart chakra, my loving side tells me to be patient and to try and understand the other person's perspective. At times this is easy to do, but every once in a while, it gets pretty fucking hard.

I was doing SO great with MAY CAUSE MIRACLES, I was on track, learning, feeling, growing... and then my trip happened and drinking happened, and DISTRACTIONS happened. This is no excuse of course, my choices, my actions. I got caught up in the happy feelings and the excitement that came with spending a few days with the people I love the most.

I know that my drinking was definitely self destructive behavior, but I don't know. This time, it was like a purging or a "one-last-night" of fun debauchery.

I feel I've been doing that since the year started. I keep eating things outside my diet, I keep telling myself that I'll start over next Monday, next new moon, next month and when the time comes, I choose to indulge instead of start over. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's only February. I just feel that I need to get back on track before I get back in the state I was before.

I worked on a cleansing over the Full Moon last week. I even incorporated Crystals in my bath ^_^ ... I felt GREAT! The energy was high and full. I was expecting myself to jump back on track this past Monday but my sexcapade and my eating habits had me pushing my DIET back yet another week. By now, I have a feeling that this will come to full circle during the dark of the moon / new moon at the end of the month.

I ordered some stones and crystals from amazon. Got some pink quartz, green quartz, and a new set of lapiz lazuli rune stones. I plan on incorporating these in a healing grid over the new moon to help me get back on my healing track and achieve my goals. I've been dealing with some chronic issues that are in definite need of alignment and balance. I feel that I finally have, or at least I will have, all the necessary items to optimize my return to balance. I'm treating my issues with western and eastern medicine: chakra alignment, natural remedies, diet changes, and medication. I feel Archangel Raphael has pointed me in the right direction, I trust that He's guiding me and helping me heal. ^_^

It's all about timing.

I should have the last items by the 28th, I can work on the ritual and work with the Dark of the Moon to purge myself of any remaining negative behavior, thoughts, people, or energies so I can begin anew with the New Moon.

My distractions have kept me procrastinating and extending my sabbatical. I want to believe that this is my body's way of taking a break before getting back on track; perhaps I've been pushing it back because I needed to experience what I did just a bit ago... another DISAPPOINTMENT that is definitely having me wanting to let go and cut chords that keep me linked to these people or these energies.

I seriously just had a pretty intense crying episode over Justin ending our friendship the most cowardly way possible... by unfriending me. He gave me no explanation, he said nothing. He crossed my mind and when I went to his page I realized he had blocked me from seeing his wall. I asked and that's when I realized he unfriended me. I blocked him after that... and ugly cried for quite a bit.

It reminded me of when Rhena ended our friendship because I was a witch. I cried for a week...

I don't know what's going on with Justin. I know he tried calling me recently and I was a bit busy at the time. I can't think of anything that would make him behave in such a way. Maybe his ego was bruised when I didn't pick up, I don't know and I guess it no longer matters. His so called feelings were just a passing fad I guess.

I'm done crying. Writing helps.

I've been a bit depressed this week. I feel as if the St. Valentine's day blues were just delayed a week. Sagittarius guy is on my mind, but this little Justin episode is definitely making me stronger. Which means, THERE IS NO WAY I'M REACHING OUT TO THIS IDIOT now. He doesn't care, and having him show me yet again that he doesn't care will only upset me more.

I thought I would reach out one last time, I wanted to be strong and just put it all out there. I wanted to follow LOVE and feelings and just jump and put myself out in the open, I wanted to let him know straight from my mouth that I have feelings for him, that I want to try a relationship with him. That I miss and want things to go back to how they were at first... I wanted to do this. To just rip off the bandage and take it from there. Either move forward or move on... but now, now I feel that I should just let it go now. There's no point in dragging it out any longer. As I type this, my heart chakra aches .. :sigh:

I know this is my Ego talking, being afraid of rejection...

Perhaps I'll drunk message him one last time this weekend. Then I'll know for sure, and then I can at least not have any regrets. If I'm drunk, there are no inhibitions. I can be honest and careless and if it doesn't turn out to be what I want, then I'll just drink some more and dance the night away. Then I can purge myself, cut chords, and remove him completely with the Dark of The Moon.

I want to be balanced and happy. I understand I need to experience certain situations that will teach me whatever lessons I need in order to move forward. I am mindful of my feelings and I honor myself by loving myself unconditionally.

:) I trust that I will make the best out of every situation, even if I stumble along the way, I'll eventually find my way. :)