Birthday Blues...

I guess I'm not so much blue as I am a tiny bit numb.

Today's my birthday... today marks yet another year of stagnation.

I've made much progress in my spiritual path, but I haven't made as much progress in my mundane life. I feel the weight of this major truth on my shoulders.

I'd like nothing more than to be successful in my craft. I know that this is the path I must follow, and that at this time, I'm developing my abilities. It is a time to search my inner soul for the guidance from my higher self. Like the Hermit, I must spend this time in seclusion in order to find my way.

I absolutely love this path, I just wish I had a way to make a living doing what I love. I love to help people, and I do this selflessly; making a difference in someone's life, helping them find hope and happiness through their own means is priceless.

I'd hate to be such a petty being at this time, I shouldn't put out negative thoughts out into the Universe. In a way, this isn't really negative, it's just an honest view of my current emotional state. I'd have to say that I'm feeling a bit numb... and a bit lonely.

I'm not celebrating or doing anything special today other than read my books, and clean my magickal room / study and my bedroom. I've got spell-work that I'd like to work on, but as of now, I honestly don't have the energy for it.

Ever since the Chakra Healing session I had with Jess, I've felt rejuvenated and balanced. I am thankful for this.

I can't help but compare myself to how I was last year, dealing with fucking Collin, a liar and a selfish cheat, promising all these things for his own benefit only to crush my dreams right on my fucking birthday. He ruined it. He's the single one person that's hurt me the most and I forgave him time after time... he certainly does not deserve a happy ending..  :sigh: He's had his influence over this month of course, changing plans once more, lying, showing me his true colors... he's such a joke. He'll get what he deserves soon enough...

If it wasn't for this Chakra alignment I would be a mess. Depressed, drowning in self pity.. crying myself to sleep because things haven't turned out as I'd wished them to be, because I'm lonely, because none of my friends are here to celebrate my birthday with me, and because they guy I have feelings for has yet to call me (and I doubt he will.) He's currently online, so it's not like he doesn't know. I even told him how difficult birthdays are for me earlier last week... I wasn't fishing for attention, it came out naturally, something I would share with my closest friends. There's no excuse for him not to call me or even leave me a message on my wall... I mean, facebook reminds you... :Sigh:

Given my track record on how depressing my past birthdays have been, I would've been a mess today, instead, I'm calm, and cool ... a bit emotional and somewhat numb, but not overwhelmed.. if that makes sense.

I'm a bit bummed at the current relationship I have with my sister. For the past month, we've been not speaking. I don't know what's going on with her and I don't have the energy to decipher her actions. I just feel she's selfish and still somewhat immature, causing pain because she's experiencing it and refusing to acknowledge that her selfishness affects others. I mean, she's currently downstairs with her boyfriend... she's invited people over to drink and smoke, and all the while ignoring the fact that I'm here... completely alone. I mean, she wished me a happy birthday over facebook... facebook. This stings. I would honestly much rather have an empty house today so I can be alone with my thoughts than this moronic nonsense they are doing. How sad is this? It's borderline depressing.

I'm overwhelmed by emotions now. The Chakra session closed and aligned my overactive heart chakra but this doesn't keep me from feeling altogether.... well, at least it's not overwhelming. :sigh:

I wish I had someone who cared for me... and I'm not saying that I don't have people that do, because I know I have friends that love me unconditionally. I just mean in the sense of a loving partner. One that would be happy to celebrate my birthday even when I'm not, one who would drag me out of the house and refuse to have me skip out on doing something special... or at the very least, one that will crawl in bed with me and simply cuddle, watch a movie or love me.

.... so much for my numbness. ha-ha.

I don't like to be petty this way. It's unnecessary. I'm sure I sound like an ungrateful child complaining about being all alone on a day that marks my birth and nothing more... I don't like this about myself right now. It's petty of me...

I know how blessed I am, how thankful I am for the people I have in my life, the gifts I've been blessed with in this lifetime... There is much to be happy about... I am alive. I might not have the job I want, the relationship I long for, the love I yearn for... the health I desperately need... but I have loving friendships and caring friends and a family that loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I am very much thankful for this.

I think I will take a cleansing bath and see if it helps lift my spirits.

I just finished watching The House of the Spirits, and got so enthralled by this movie that I cried for a bit during some of the scenes. I'm not completely numb, since I can still relate and feel. I know that if I get into that mindset of thinking and obsessing on the things I'm lacking in my life at this time I will certainly fall into depression. So I choose to get lost in a good book.

I've got a handful of books I'm in the process of reading. La Casa de los Espiritus is one of them. I should've waited and finished the book before watching the movie, but somehow, the movie called my attention.... besides, the movies never meet up to the expectations one has after reading the book.

I have to remember to breathe and have patience. There's a lesson in today that I've yet to see or appreciate.

A nice hot bath and some time alone will certainly do me good. :)  There's so much to do... I'd like to get some progress done before the day ends... but I won't force myself, I need to be gentle with myself.

Perhaps, meditation will clear my mind and center me once more.

Lets see what the rest of the day has waiting for me...

Nauthiz, the Rune of Necessity (PBP 2013 WK 29)

http://runesecrets.com/rune-meanings/nauthiz

"Consciousness is the Necessity."

"That which does not destroy me makes me stronger." -Nietzsche

 

I absolutely love Rune Secrets, I've been meaning to get the book, but according to reviews, the site posts have more information and depth. For this week's post I've decided to talk about Nauthiz, pronounced "Not-this." It literally means "need-fire" or "necessity."

 

This is the 10th rune of the Elder Futhark, it comes after Hagalaz the rune of crisis or radical change. Nauthiz's key concepts are of need, resistance, constraint, conflict, and drama. It's energy also has to do with efforts, necessity, urgency and hard work. Nauthiz literally means "need-fire," it's energy is of transformation through action and necessity. It has to do with life lessons, creative friction, distress and force of growth. It relates to our individual growth through different experiences, the consequences of past actions, short term pain for long term gain. It's the process through which we learn from our mistakes and grow as individuals.

 

The Nordic name for this rune is Nied, and it's one of the three great runes of delay. According to Lisa Peschel, Nied counsels you to be patient. "You may find yourself enmeshed in delays, constraints, ill health or oppression, but this rune indicates that tiresome though these may be they will work out in their own good time, and no amount of haste or worry on your part will cause them to work out any faster."

 

In The Runes, Peschel explains that "Nied always indicates a time of passing through a difficult learning situation. This time is known as "crossing the abyss" by many occult writers and is often a time of extreme emotional travail. However, meeting this emotional challenge head-on and conquering your fear of it can be the catalysts that drives you to overcome whatever obstacles may appear in your path later."

 

Just like Nietzsche's quote above says, "that which does not destroy me makes me stronger." The energy of this rune incorporates resistance, need and our personal efforts to gain the growth and knowledge of the lessons we experience with each obstacle we overcome.

 

Nauthiz or Nied speaks of necessity, urgency, it reminds us of what must be done, the hard work we need to put into experiences and situations in order to reap the benefits or learn the lesson at hand. 

 

In divination, its meaning encompasses resistance leading to strength, the recognition of örlög (ultimate law, primal truth), the need for fire or self-reliance. Personal development and life lessons, innovations, achievements through efforts, or constraint of freedom, distress, toil, drudgery, laxity, warnings, worry, guilty, moral cowardice, unfulfilled or unrecognized needs. 

 

Tis rune ay also signify a need to think twice before taking on any new projects, for it shows tat at this time you have neither the ability nor the energy at hand to carry them successfully. This rune nearly always implied failure, and it advises you to hold fast, stay as you are, and conserve your energy for the moment.

 

Peschel explains that this rune indicates your needs as opposed to your wants, and when it appears, you should ask yourself if you are distressed over minor inconveniences which you may be selfishly blowing out of proportion, or if you truly have a problem.

 

Tyrel's analysis of this rune explains that it governs the strength to overcome distress or negative örlög, it helps you accept the unchangeable, with the development of magical will and the manipulation of wyrd. This rune helps you understand the dynamic forces of "resistance" in the process of creating. Nauthiz inspires you to generate creative energy for problem solving, it helps you protect one's own needs and recognize them too. According to Tyrel, this rune can be worked for love magick, especially to obtain a lover.

 

The following excerpt is from Tyrel's Notes on Nauthiz:

 

Without resistance, form would fall apart. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It is the basic resistance of unconscious forces against newly evolved consciousness, but also the overwhelming need for evolution of consciousness, and that unconscious resistance to it.
The mysteries of necessity are at the core of Nauthiz. It is central to manipulating Wyrd so that desired outcomes can be attained through negotiating with the energies of the Norns. Invoking need is more powerful than wishing, but what we need and what we desire are not always the same. In this sense, Nauthiz can protect us from ourselves, but its lessons are often harsh. The force of the past exerts its effect on us in the present. Previous action catches up with us and attempts to restrain and restrict future action, which is the counter-movement of the cyclical processions of JERA. However, armed with humility we can learn our lessons from not only our own errors, but the mistakes and successes of others.
Action governed by Nauthiz is rooted in common sense. The magic of common sense is that it is not so common, because our desires and ideals eclipse our true need and perception of real circumstances. As a war rune, Nauthiz empowers the invoker to have the courage and wisdom to recognize what must be done in an otherwise complex situation. Necessity is the mother of invention. No pain, no gain. It is connected with the harshness of reality, like Hagalaz.
We have a painful fear of necessity and a love hate relationship with our needs. This is illustrated most excellently in the symbol of Nauthiz as two sticks rubbing together to create the ‘Need-Fire’. Our need for fire as a species is balanced with our fear of the power of fire. Consider this well and you will develop a profound understanding of this rune.