Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:
Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:
:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)
The Architect:
Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.
My response:
:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^
The Architect:
Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!
My response:
haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.
The Architect:
Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!
My response:
 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.
The Architect:
Night Selene!!
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.
and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."
I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.
My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.