Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:

Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:

:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)

The Architect:

Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.

My response:

:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^

The Architect:

Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!

My response:

haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.

The Architect:

Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!

My response:

 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.

The Architect:

Night Selene!!

 
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.

and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."

 

I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.

 

My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.

 

Messages from Ariel... (PBP 2014 wk 1)

January 6,2014

I can't believe a whole year has gone by and we're already starting a new Pagan Blog Project!!! I missed most of the entries from last years project due to external circumstances, procrastination, and general distractions, but I am fully committed to try again this year!

With all the energy from the New Moon / New Year alignment I was able to work on some release spells during the dark of the moon, and planting new seeds / New Moon Magick. Now, for some reason I've been procrastinating more than usual, I've been sleeping more, meditating more, daydreaming more.. and avoiding my personal tarot / angel readings, loud noises, and large crowds. {I seem to do this when I'm going through emotional stress.} As of now, I'm going with the flow of what my body needs, or seems to be asking for. I went through a high then low energy shift during last week / over the weekend, I was very active at first, accomplishing tasks, getting things done, etc and then my energy dropped and I got very emotional and sensitive and hormonal. {I'm blaming it on my cycle and choosing to ignore my love life here haha...although, my cycle coincided with the New Moon haha and I usually get hormonal BEFORE I get my period! haha oh gosh, I need a chakra realignment.}

I'll be honest about something, I didn't exactly go through the full rituals I had planned during the dark of the moon and the new moon celebrations, again, procrastination. I worked on a quick release negativity spell during new years eve, {as in, a few minutes before midnight hehe --the way I see it, this is still considered the dark of the moon since the New Moon was supposed to begin after 6am,} and worked on my goals with the new moon in Capricorn. I feel that's as much as I needed. There's another new moon at the end of the month, sooo, in a way, I kinda have a do-over in case there's any more release work. ^_^  There's this one spell I want to try, Indigo Witch shared it during the month of November, but again, I procrastinated haha. I told myself I'd work on that release spell during the December New Moon, but again, I missed the opportunity. Hopefully at the end of the month I'll be able to skyclad and release whatever I no longer need in my life. :)

I feel so bipolar at times; even this morning I was a bit sensitive, and now, I feel grounded and balanced. I've been going through highs and lows the past few days, I'm glad I've been able to regain some sort of balance with the help of the Angels and meditation. I had an "ugly crying" moment last night (I realized that the person I want in my life is not available the way I need him to be,) I meditated on the issues, asked the Angels for help and went to sleep. This morning I woke up feeling relieved, still a bit sensitive but relieved, and a lot lighter. I can't quite remember my dreams but I have a feeling something meaningful happened, in fact, most of the dreams I've been having lately have some big "AHA moment" feeling to them, but I can't seem to remember in the morning.

I feel better than I did last night, and what I keep discovering is that anytime I'm in distress and ask for help from guides and angels I'm usually comforted almost immediately. I'm learning to let go of the things I can not change and of the people that don't want to be in my life. I've been asking for signs, which is where this post originally came from, but even the signs were a bit confusing for a while.

The whole Ariel message has actually been repeating in my life for the past 3 months. These signs began in early October I believe because I remember thinking "wow another little mermaid costume" while out on 6th Street, Austin Tx during Halloween.

So, for the past few months I've been getting this very strong feeling that there's a message I need to understand that has to do with The Little Mermaid.... haha sounds crazy, I know. I thought so myself, but the more these kept repeating the harder it got to ignore.

I did a quick memory check to see what I could remember from the cartoon and how this could relate to my life and found nothing of importance. In a gist, Ariel falls in love with the prince, she gives up her legs becomes a mermaid, they defeat Ursula and end up happily ever after. Nothing major that relates to my life.

I forgot about this for another month or so, and then over the weekend of the dark of the moon a friend snapchatted me a video of the little mermaid, something they were watching in the middle of the night! how random! I figured, it was time to get to the bottom of this evasive message! 

I attempted to download the movie but encountered some issues, discussed my shortcomings with my cousin in Mexico and how I felt there was a message there. She shared the actual little mermaid story, which is a lot sadder than the Disney version. In a gist, the little mermaid sacrifices her legs, is in constant pain, refuses to kill her love in order to save herself and turns into foam. The messages we came across were of sacrifice for a loved one.

I thought about this and decided I needed more information. I finally got a hold of the movie and watched it. The Little Mermaid was one of my favorite movies as a child. I can't think of another movie I watched over and over other than The Lion King. I got some emotional reactions during certain scenes, these mostly dealt with love and intimacy. Issues I deal with more often than I'd like. So of course it was expected of me to get teary eyed. Ariel gave up a part of herself to be with her prince, and in a way, we sometimes give a part of ourselves up for a guy we want to be with... not ideal of course.

I sorta felt a bit of a pull over the Ursula deal. Sometimes I feel I let my dark side make decisions. I am not perfect, and I've made mistakes in the past, heck, I continue to make them from time to time. I get pissed and I think things I shouldn't be thinking about, these later happen or some version of these manifest and I can't help but feel a bit guilty{and this is only from my rants.}

So, after watching the movie, the messages I got were of sacrifice, and karma, unconditional love, and petty behavior. This still didn't feel completely right. I thought about simply writing what I had and then editing if I got any more insights in the future.

Then on Sunday I came across a quote that spoke to me {I was in my emo state bummed out about my current relationship status so this immediately called my attention.}

 "I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath.

I shared this quote on Facebook and immediately became curious about the author. I remembered hearing about Sylvia Plath but in all honesty, I didn't really know much about her.

I found that she was an American poet and novelist, who suffered from depression throughout her adult life and eventually committed suicide.

DARK. isn't it?

I mean, I've personally dealt with depression in the past, and well, it's not a pretty place. I even considered suicide and was so low that I never thought I'd ever feel normal again, so of course I can relate. These signs began to feel a bit darker because of the nature of the subject, but at the same time, I felt strong enough and protected enough to trust that these were just messages I needed to be aware of, and not some ominous curse from someone that hates me and wants me dead by the ago of 30. Dark I know, but honestly, this crossed my mind.

I set aside my momentary fears and immediately wanted to know more about Sylvia Plath and her tortured soul. I got The Bell Jar and as many books about her as I could find on Amazon {wish list of course}. Along the way, I came across one of her later works, Ariel --a compilation of poems written after her first suicidal attempt. This book was published two years after her death by suicide. So of course, I got a hold of the pdf version of this book. I didn't get a chance to read all the poems, in fact I only read the one titled Ariel. Her poetry is raw and intense, and hard to understand. I've re-read this poem a few times and I still can't understand half of it.

Stasis in darkness.

Then the substanceless blue

Pour of tor and distances.
God's lioness,
How one we grow,
Pivot of heels and knees!--The furrow
Splits and passes, sister to
The brown arc
Of the neck I cannot catch,
Nigger-eye
Berries cast dark
Hooks----
Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Shadows.
Something else
Hauls me through air----
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.
White
Godiva, I unpeel----
Dead hands, dead stringencies.
And now I
Foam to wheat, a glitter of seas.
The child's cry
Melts in the wall.
And I
Am the arrow,
The dew that flies,
Suicidal, at one with the drive
Into the red
Eye, the cauldron of morning.

                 -Sylvia Plath, Ariel.

{This moment actually feels like a deja-vu, I feel as if I've already performed these actions. Written a blog post, analyzed a poem, gotten incredibly confused and felt somewhat cloudy about the subject.}

But anyway, on to the Ariel messages... I thought I was done with the research part of this message, but then today, as I was catching up with my Angel Class course load I got another message. I was listening to the audio lessons and as I'm writing this blog post, Jess starts talking about the acronym for "FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real, we fear things that haven't even happened yet." We need to learn to face fear, step around it, and through it, we need to understand how this relates to our personal blocks with respect to our clairsenses and our ego, or false messages from the spirit world. This immediately jumped out of the recording. So I figured it had to do with my post. Shortly after, I hear her go over the archangels and she starts with Ariel, which means, Lioness of God. I get this YES! THAT'S IT feeling. Perhaps the message has been to connect more with Archangel Ariel all along. Sylvia Plath's Ariel poem mentions God's Lioness in reference to the Archangel. I still haven't processed the full poem, but the Archangel's reference is giving me the YES, THAT'S IT, sign.

After encountering these literary obstacles during the "Ariel messages" scavenger hunt, I got a sense of the many different issues and blocks in my life that are currently affecting my spiritual journey. I'm still not 100% sure that I've in fact deciphered the Ariel Messages fully, but it feels like I've gotten a good sense of what needs to be addressed.

From the Disney movie I got the sense that I can't give up major aspects of who I am for a guy or a relationship. If I must sacrifice for love, it must be reciprocated. Sacrifice and love go hand in hand, but I can't allow myself to get completely lost in the notion of falling in love with such desperation. From Ursula's connection, I reminded myself to make the right choices, not out of spite or obsession but out of what's right for my higher self. Obsession can turn into a downward spiral that will leave me where I was with my ex a couple of years ago.

From Sylvia Plath's Ariel, I got nothing. Other than the reference made to the archangel. I however feel a strong connection with this writer, and so I've decided to go back to basics and read The Bell Jar to become more familiar with her work. I have a lot on my plate already, but I feel that reading her poetry and books will give me a better understanding of myself and the depression I've suffered in the past.

We are entering the second half of Talk To Your Angels, an advanced level course I'm taking with Jess Carlson, and I know that I will get a chance to connect deeper to Archangel Ariel. Hopefully she will have more messages for me that will help and guide me towards the right path.

I'm excited about this new year and the beginning of this new cycle! I can feel the changes in the air and I'm loving it! I expect great changes, happy experiences, and tons of growth from this upcoming year. :)

On Matters of The Heart... (PBP 2013 wk 26)

My heart rules who I am, my higher self. I follow my heart and honor my feelings; I'm aware that these feelings in me need to be nurtured, whether they're good or bad. 

Love happens when you least expect it. We encounter all these people that are meant to teach us a certain lesson during our lifetimes; sometimes they stay in your life for extended periods of time, and other times they're only with you momentarily. Regardless of the situation, they were meant to cross paths with you and you should cherish the time you had to spend with them. 

I'm completely aware of this major truth; I know that our lives are constantly in a state of change, evolving and growing to better connect with our higher selves. Somehow, the lessons do not get any easier to master, the feelings and emotions that come with caring about someone, loving them even, do not become any easier to understand. 

:sigh: 
 I'm in the middle of understanding why I'm feeling the way I am about a certain someone, "J". I'll admit that I never expected to feel this way about this guy. In fact, he was extremely annoying right from the start.

Isn't that the way it usually goes? You fall for the one you never expected... 

 I wasn't even attracted to him. I tolerated our interactions because somehow he awakened a feisty aspect of me; I enjoyed debating issues, proving him wrong, just having a conversation.  
Getting to know someone of the opposite sex with the same astrological sign is definitely a challenge. It pin points a lot of your own flaws, it makes you see how your behavior affects others, it opens your eyes to the reality of your personality's core.
If you can get through this, if you can learn from each other, the relationship has a chance. 

He seemed to be getting attached at first, and when I didn't reciprocate he pulled away. It's not that I didn't feel anything, because the Gods know I did. I just needed time to sort out my feelings; not rushing was the key for me, and I felt he was pressuring me. 

"J" pulled away, I was hurt. I pulled my self together and shrugged it off, life goes on. 

He came back into my life, this time as friends only. I welcomed this, friendship was something I could definitely deal with. The expectations of starting a new relationship put way too much pressure on me. He was in the process of getting to know another girl, and even though part of me felt jealous, I knew this was the best situation for the both of us. 

His attempts at starting new relationships failed, and time after time I was there for support. I cherished the friendship, his honesty, the fact that he genuinely cared for me... we developed this sort of "flirtationship" which kept the relationship interesting and fun. 

We, or well, he, talked about being together. He'd say things like "You know, we fight like an old married couple." And when I'd question him about whether this was a good or bad thing, his response would be that it definitely wasn't bad. There were so many hypothetical situations that involved the both of us being together that I really couldn't help myself, I wanted to be with him. 

The second I realized he could hurt my feelings I pulled away. I needed to regain some sort of balance; I don't like feeling sad, or upset over a guy. We had so many arguments, some playful other's with some basis to them; he'd hurt my feelings often due to misunderstandings --it wasn't his intention, I'm just too sensitive, and when I care I tend to over analyze and take things to heart-- and after he'd realize this, he'd apologize, he'd call and we'd talk things through. I honestly don't make a habit of picking up when I'm upset, but somehow, I'd always pick up for him. He was trying, no one can deny this. Leo's have difficult personalities. But our heart, our heart is loyal and giving and so very honest. Perhaps this was one of the major factors that I loved so much about him... 

:sigh: 

It's only been over two weeks since we last exchanged messages... 23 days since I last heard his voice. June 1st was the last conversation... I might have overreacted with our last exchange of messages. I was sensitive because I hadn't heard from him since our last call, and given how things had gotten between us, I was feeling a bit neglected... and then, I received a half-ass response. I mean, come on. I deserve a little more than a two-word response.... I simply gave up. 

I could not continue this way, getting my feelings hurt over and over and over again, and for petty things, things that shouldn't upset me as much as they did... I felt it was unnecessary. 
  Why should I feel bad about myself? Why should I feel inadequate when I know how amazing and loving I am. When I know I have nothing but love to offer... 

I know I'm overly sensitive, I also know that this helps me connect to humanity better... I know that my sensitivity and my ego keep me a bit doubtful and afraid of getting hurt again. Love can hurt, it can break us, it can change us forever... I work my magick with my heart, and I can't work my magick when my spirits are low.

I've been in love before, and I've had my heartbroken too... It left me numb for so long that when I started feeling again I honestly could not handle these emotions.  It took me so long to be able to feel again that once I recovered this very essential part of me I promised myself I would never let go of it again. I don't like feeling jaded, or like there's no point to life's happiness. Love makes the world go round, it gives us the ability to connect with others, give freely and without restrain, and find the wonders of life which makes us dare to dream.

I know that timing is of essence, the Angels have given me this message many times before. I know that anything I want or need will come to me when I am ready and not before. How is it possible that after having all this knowledge I'm still hurting?

My eyes burn with unshed tears, my throat closes, my chest tightens, I miss him...
And it's not like I'm not keeping busy. I'm studying, learning, expanding my knowledge, my tarot and Angel communication classes keep me busy. My family keeps me busy too, I have all these tasks, chores, and magickal to-do lists that keep me occupied...

If I know this major truth about love and the Universe, why is it that I'm still missing him?
He knows how I feel, given my behavior and the talks we've had he's more than aware that I feel for him more than a simple friendship. Isn't that what he wanted? for me to feel as much as he felt for me?

:sigh: As I write this post this song came up ... it's kind of like this...
 
 

 

Take time to realize,
 That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
 Take time to realize,
 That I am on your side
 Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

 But I can't spell it out for you,
 No it's never gonna be that simple
 No I cant spell it out for you

 

 If you just realize what I just realized,
 Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

 

But like the song says, "I can't spell it out for you.."

 

Maybe what I feel is what I'm supposed to feel. There's a lesson here, I know this. I'm just too close to decipher it. Maybe we aren't meant for each other, and that's ok. I still wish I had my friend... I miss him.

 

I realize that this distance is necessary and it's showing me what I need to feel.

 

This doesn't keep me from thinking about him from time to time, and I know with all that I am that he HAS to be thinking of me too. I know this. My mind is very strong, I've proven this time after time.

 

Just last week a guy I was sort of interested in a few years ago crossed my mind. He's also a Leo, and it reminded me how prideful and dignified Leo's can be. We had a fall-out and that was the end of that. I hurt his Leo pride and he pretty much said I'M DONE.

 

This guy crossed my mind for less than a minute... guess who's contacting me this week? That same guy. From a single thought. This happens anytime any guy crosses my mind, I'll think of them and they contact me, call me or text me.

 

How is it possible that I've been thinking of "J" on a daily basis and all with no result? I know he's thinking of me... I know this. But he won't contact me, and I honestly can no longer put my feelings on the line. It sets me back a couple of days every time I've given in, I end up getting my feelings hurt... it's not something I like. 

I don't know where this will lead me, or what the outcome will be. I am trying my best to give other guys a chance.

The night the other leo guy crossed my mind, I'd been crying over "J," I'd given in to my sensitive emotions and I just let it out. I had a conversation with Goddess and asked why I was feeling that way, why I had feelings for someone that didn't reciprocate the way I needed... the other leo guy crossed my mind and I knew that one of the Leo traits was pride, and pride keeps us from reaching out even when we want to. I let these thoughts go and went to bed.. and within a few days, the other Leo guy contacted me. I know Goddess sent me a little distraction, someone compatible that would keep my mind occupied for the time being...

The other Leo guy, "M" seems to be ready for something more meaningful this time around. We spent most of that night discussing religion and the occult. He's an intelligent guy, and he seems to be drawn to my thirst for knowledge. I feel I might be able to open up completely and tell him about my path when the time is right, and IF he sticks around long enough for us to have that talk. The simple fact that he doesn't view religion as most people do, gives me the sense that there might be a chance for him to be accepting of my spirituality.

I don't know what the future holds for me... I'm taking it one day at a time. I have faith and hope that wherever I'm heading, is the right place for me.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe 

 

 

Learning to Listen and Love with Laguz ... (PBP 2013 wk 24)

"Our future selves call us from infinite pasts, and each night are eroded with our dreams."

This week I've decided to focus on Laguz for my Pagan Blog Project post. All the information found here comes from my favorite Rune site, Rune Secrets, a study community that helps with their meaning and personal development. I'm also reading A Practical Guide to THE RUNES by Lisa Peschel. It's a small pocket book that fits perfectly in my bag of divination tools. I won't go into detail citing each entry but I am giving full credit to both these authors for the information provided below. 

Laguz, or Lagaz has been making an appearance in my weekly readings. I debated it's meaning since I'm not that familiar with this rune, and it's appearance is quite recent. 

I'm highly emotional and as of lately I've been feeling a bit melancholic and lonely. I don't wallow in self pity, in fact I allow these feelings to emerge and flow, I address them and remind myself that everything has a connection to the bigger picture of life. 

I'm enrolled in a tarot and Angel class that basically helps us develop our intuitive senses; the times Laguz has come out, it reminds me that intuition and love are in the picture. This may be because this rune, pronounced "Log-uhz," literally means water or ocean. The element of Water usually deals with intuition and emotions, inspiration, healing, and love. The esoteric meaning of Laguz is the unconscious, the collective memory. 

Rune Secrets states that Laguz is the rune of the unconscious context of becoming or the evolutionary process. It is the Rune of Life's longing for itself. 

Lisa Peschel describes Lagaz (Laguz) as a rune of intuitive knowledge which during a reading indicates you should follow your intuition closely in the matter in question. 

Lagaz is the principal female rune; if the querent is female, it usually represents her and it indicates that no matter what troubles beset her, she will be more than capable of dealing with them. If a man is the querent, this rune shows the presence of a strong and supportive female, possibly the most important female in his life. 

Rune Secrets describes the energy of Laguz as the life energy, the ocean spirit, the origins of life, the collective unconscious, the astral plane, love as unity and evolution. 

This rune governs trans-personal powers, the mastery of emotion in order to shape wyrd. 
Laguz governs guidance through difficult initiatory tests, an increase in vitality and life force, and the communication between your conscious mind to another's unconscious mind. 

This rune is about the development of a "second sight" or prophetic wisdom, all the powers of dreaming, lucid dreams, and astral projection. 

Laguz aids with the ability to develop and see with a clairvoyant sense; this rune can be used in establishing a communication link from your conscious mind, under willful intent, to the unconscious mind of another. 


"Water is the symbol of unconscious and invisible Life forces. All of life is dependent on water, and therefore Laguz represents the universal ocean, the supreme unity of all life: past, present and future." 

Without water we can not survive. 
Our bodies are made up of 50-60% of water; aside from the nourishment we get from food, water is absolutely necessary and we are dependent of it's life force.

Every living thing that surrounds us needs water to survive, this very important link connects us to absolutely everyone and every living thing, like a living network that connects us as it flows through us, water is life.  

"Water is a psychically chargeable medium." 

The Beings of the West govern this element, and guide our intuitive senses. Water is transparent and it'll take the shape of it's container, water will fit anywhere; and just like water our feelings and emotions flow through us to shine a light on whatever issues need addressing. 

As of lately, I've been very much in touch with my emotions.

These are not dooming feelings associated with irrational outbursts, they are more of an empathetic synchronicity with anything that relates to matters of the heart. 

I honestly can not help myself. Something will resonate with me, and next thing you know I am experiencing this knot in my throat, stinging in my eyes, and tears that flow freely.

I honor these emotions. 
If they are there, it must be for a reason. 
I rather feel than be numb. 
I allow them to flow through me, out of me, and back into the Universe. 
These feelings and emotions need to be released, and they keep me connected to humanity. 

Connecting with the element of water keeps me linked to my intuitive senses. My dreams offer a window into my unconscious and point out and highlight anything that may be happening in my life. 

Every time I connect with the elements I ask for guidance so that I stay true to each; I strengthen the bond I have with the elements during circle each and every time and in turn, I have a direct line with each. I don't complain, even when my emotions are running high, I couldn't, this link keeps me true to myself. It is my duty to grow, learn, and follow my higher self into enlightenment. 

Kitchen Witchery Keeps Me Sane... (PBP 2013 wk 22)

I'd like to think that the art of cooking has been in my blood since I was a child. I started cooking, or well, I was attracted to the kitchen from an early age.

I clearly remember watching my mom cook our delicious meals daily, and sometimes, I was even allowed to help her flip tortillas. There's a key to cooking flour tortillas the right way, you flip them 3 times: you put it on the "comal" and allow the surface to bubble a bit leaving it undercooked, you flip it and allow the second surface to cook completely, you'll know this because the tortilla will start puffing up like a balloon, you then flip it back to the first surface and allow it to finish cooking. I was about 7 years old, and I absolutely fell in love with the kitchen.

As the oldest sibling I've always been in charge of feeding my two younger sisters. Both of my parents worked, and I was given the responsibility of taking care of the household from an early age.  I spent most of middle school and high school in the kitchen cooking dinner for my sisters and my parents lunch for the following day. 
 
I can't say that I always liked this responsibility, in fact, there were times when it overwhelmed me, but I had to do what I had to do in order to help my family. 
 
As I grew up, my love for the kitchen only evolved. I have this natural ability to create savory and flavorful dishes out of mostly anything.
 
My soul card is the Empress, and I feel it clearly depicts my motherly nature. I absolutely love feeding people. I love it more when my food gets positive reviews. I sometimes worry that people will not like my food because I tend to improvise on the spot, but most of the time it turns out pretty yummy.
 
I feel the same way about spellwork. I'll find a spell that speaks to me, and I'll adapt it to resonate with who I am. I'm quite good at coming up with meaningful spells that get the job done.
 
When I first was introduced to The Kitchen Witch through my eclectic path, I knew that I possessed the ability and inspiration to make magickal meals that would not only nourish my loved ones but also help them with whatever needs they had.
 
I'm still the cook of the household. My mother no longer cooks, she's lost her touch he-he. My youngest sister and roommate doesn't know how to cook, so of course I am in charge of the kitchen. Which actually helps me, and consequently them to live harmoniously.
 
Every meal I make, is full of protection, love, and prosperity. My herb garden is full of all the ingredients I need to fill my meals with the magickal kick they need. I have a pantry full of dry herbs and a head full of knowledge.
 
I'm not saying that we are perfect, in fact, my family clashes quite a bit. I've found that through cooking I can deflect a lot of tension, drama and negativity. I cook with love and it shows in every meal.
  
Not to toot my own horn, but I can honestly whip up a meal out of whatever I find in the fridge and pantry. My repertoire of meals includes traditional Mexican meals, American cuisine, Italian, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, south American food, and eclectic meals which I can adapt in almost any fashion. I'll add a pinch of magick and voilà, a filling, nutritious meal, that's not only delicious but magickal.

Cooking honestly keeps me sane. I clear my head from whatever issues or drama that's currently afflicting the family, and the meal just comes to mind. I know exactly which ingredients I should use to maximize the spell's strength, --which will help them release stress, deflect negativity or attract money-- and I'll just cook up a storm.

I've embarked on the journey towards perfect health. After my 5 day veggie juice cleanse I thought I'd be able to turn vegetarian, but of course, that wasn't the case. I love meat, chicken, and fish waaay too much to give it up. So, instead, I've compromised with myself. I still have no intention of consuming carbs or sugars, which is absolutely HARD AS HELL!!! I've come to the conclusion that I will eat solids which will include meat, chicken or fish along side a large serving of veggies on the days that I can eat and on the other days I'll do my veggie fast. This way I can give my body a rest in between processing food. I've already lost about 12 pounds and I've been doing this since last Wednesday.

I'm optimistic about this journey. It is hard, but it will be worth it. I have to keep praying for help from the angels and guides. It's so hard not to eat sweets and carbs. As of the past couple of days I've been going through carb withdrawal and it's kicking my ass.

Just last night I made dinner, my own concoction of course. There was some week old cinnamon bread and whole grain bread that I definitely wanted to utilize, so I made bread pudding. And let me tell ya, it was PACKED with sweets and yummy goodness. I did not try it of course, but I was sooo close to breaking my diet. Even now, I want to walk downstairs and stuff my face with at least 3 pieces of that yummy goodness. But I won't. I've come to far to give in to temptation.

I am constantly craving subway sandwiches, flour tortilla tacos, and sweets. Withdrawal is raging within. I need help. I've worked on some spellwork to help me through this, and I have faith that I will get through it. I have a hard road ahead of me but I have the will to carry me through it.

I'm excited, and hungry but I rather take care of my body than give in to my cravings.

Juicing, Oracle Messages & Magick (PBP 2013 wk 21)

I've taken on the challenge of healing all my problem areas. I want to be healthy and happy... truly healthy. I want a real relationship, actual intimacy, and love. I want to not be afraid of what relationships bring.

I want to be everything I am meant to be. My body is my only temple and I have not taken good care of it. It's been mistreated and abused for way too long and I've suffered the consequences for longer than I can handle.

I tried the 21 day meditation challenge - Journey to Perfect Health, but didn't make it past week 1. I'm giving it another go, along with some magickal work that will support my need to become dis-ease free.

For a while I'd lost hope in finding the solution to my problems. I'd almost given up on myself when I got very clear messages that urged me to keep at it.

My weekly readings have shown me that I should expect a miracle in the most peculiar of ways.

I was doing a daily reading with my oracle decks and my tarot deck, but decided to switch to weekly readings instead. I've started to work with vision boards and I'm finding it very useful to meditate on the cards I pull during each reading. I feel that a week is enough for me to truly understand the message the oracles give me. I currently have the oracle cards that I pull on my wall, I've included affirmations, positive thoughts and the daily mantra from Journey to Perfect Health.

I work with Earth Magic, Healing with the Fairies, Romance Angels, Archangel Raphael, Archangel Michael and Oracle of Shadows and Light. I know that it may seem a bit over the top, but I've found that when I work with different decks I get a bigger picture of the areas that are important in my life at that given time. I shuffle and pull one card of each deck in that order. The messages are usually pretty clear.

For the past two weeks I've gotten the same messages from four different decks. One week I got Expect a Miracle Healing from Archangel Raphael and Innocence from Archangel Michael. At the time, I was hoping that the Miracle would manifest but didn't really understand the Innocence card. After that week was over, I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. I almost gave up. It was an emotional week, I had a fall-out with a guy I'd grown attached to, things seemed to simply fall apart.

Imagine my surprise when in my moment of despair I did my reading, and guess what came out as my first two cards. Childhood / Innocence from the Earth Magic deck and Miracle Healing from Healing with the fairies.

Message received!

This was just the message I needed to hear. I was filled with hope once more. I knew my guides were giving me a very clear and specific message. They were urging me not to give up on myself.

It's like I got a second wind.

There was a new moon that week and I decided to ask for help and guidance. I needed support, so I harnessed the energy from the new moon and asked for help. I worked on a cleansing bath / road-block remover and felt really positive afterwards.

I was still dealing with my guy issues, but definitely felt way more positive, stronger, determined. I did my reading the following Monday and in spite of my doubts over my love life, the Romance Angels' message was that my feelings were real, and worth exploring.

I can't say that my actions were logical, I let my jealousy get the best of me and acted on impulse. Which had some hurtful repercussions....

I faced the issue head on, confronted my "friend" and decided to let him go. I don't like to feel unhappy or rejected, and if this guy has that big of an effect on my emotions it means that I care more than I should. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I give love freely. I truly care about him, but I don't like to feel sad, and clearly, he's confused about the way he feels about me. I know that he cares, I can feel it, but the timing is wrong. The Romance Angels advised me to be patient, "Divine intervention" came out, and coincidentally the message was about timing. The angels are working on this relationship, and it's not yet ready.

I had to take control though, I could not get past his latest rejection. So I told him what was on my mind, everything that I felt, and wished him the best of luck. I know that it was the right thing to do. I followed my heart. After I sent that message and got his response I felt lighter. I knew that my message had hit home, he tried to apologize once more, but I'd said all I had to say about the matter.

I'm still waiting for him to call in a way... I'm no longer emotional, or upset because I've let him know how I really feel, it was sort of a closure. I feel great actually. I miss him. but alas, I need to focus on myself anyway. It's not like I'm ready for a relationship ... I need to take care of me first.

I have other suitors... that's never an issue. I'm quite charismatic and not that bad looking, so guys are always interested. I'm just cautious...

The ex is still in the picture, reaching out, trying to convince me to give him another chance. I've certainly given him a piece of my mind... I do NOT hold back anymore. I care about him, but he's so damaged and lost.... and, as much as I'd like to help him, he doesn't really want to help himself, so my efforts will be in vain.

So that's that.

I've had a spell on my mind for a while, it hadn't come to full completion until Thursday night actually. The moon entered my sign and I was filled with this determination to access as much help and support as possible. I called on the Ancestors, guides and Angels and I trust that they will be helping me along the way.

I started on a juice fast Wednesday. I plan on going for 5 days, until Sunday/Monday. After this fast, I plan on going vegetarian for a few months. I believe that juicing and veggies will help me nourish my body and bring it back to perfect health.

I've been considering holistic alternatives or Chinese medicine, but have yet to make up my mind on where I should go.

I feel good about the progress I'm making. My horoscope advised me to seek outside help... it also tells me that this is an auspicious time for wish making. The Universe is supporting me and I can manifest anything I truly want.

I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, I want to be who I'm meant to be.
I want to have an intimate love relationship and I know that it's in my future, but I first need to take care of myself, otherwise I won't be comfortable.

It's time to take control of my life. I am who I am, and I'm not afraid to show it.

^_^

Justice, Jera, and my Journey towards Happiness & Prosperity (PBP 2013 wk 20)

For this week's Pagan Blog Project  I decided to talk about Justice, Jera and my current Journey towards Happiness and Prosperity.

I'm actually having some mixed feelings about the meaning of Justice. When I think of Justice I think of Karma, balance, and fairness above all. The RWS tarot deck depicts Lady Justice sitting solemnly on a stone bench while holding a balanced scale on her left hand, and a sword on her right hand. To me, this represents how Lady Justice is always weighing situations, actions, people, etc.. she weights both sides and her verdict is the ultimate Karmic retribution. Her right arm holds the sword which will pardon or punish. Her robes are red and green, which to me, signify passion and growth. You can see her foot peaking out of her red robe which shows her core is pure.

I regularly trust the Universe in it's infinite wisdom... I am genuinely a caring individual. I have a strong set of beliefs that compel me to stand up for those who can not stand up for themselves. I'm a GLBTQ advocate, I'm highly political, and very liberal. In fact, my facebook wall is full of political memes, articles, statistics and facts that pretty much disprove and republican / conservative fear mongering bigotry.

I feel that in this day and age we MUST stand for what we believe in, otherwise we will be taken advantage of by those who have the means.

I'm not a lesbian, but I have many friends in the community as well as a sibling that is one, and I strongly believe that they have just as many rights as any other citizen in this nation. The reality of life is this, you can not impose your religious views / homophobic fears on the rest of society simply because you're not comfortable seeing two people of the same sex kiss / have sex. Love is Love and nothing or no one can limit the amount of love you give or receive.

One of Mahatma Gandhi's famous quote is "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I follow this with all that I am because it resonates with my belief system, it resonates with who I am. I simply can not stay quiet, follow the crowd and only speak up when things affect me. I've tried, it doesn't work. I spend more time and energy trying to keep my views to myself / not standing up for those that are clearly misjudged than if I were to just follow my intuition and speak up.

I could go on and on about all the political injustices that are currently going on with our government, but that would take forever and this isn't a political blog. Besides, my facebook wall is already filled with all these rants.

I feel, that I am a good human being. I have my low moments and I sometimes turn bitchy and angry, but I am not ashamed of this. I am human after all.

I pride myself in being a good friend. I am there for my friends when they need me, they value who I am and respect my guidance and advice. I love that. I love giving what can not be easily bought. It is part of my life's purpose to help others get through difficult situations and low points in their lives.

I guess where I'm going with this is the fact that sometimes, even when we follow the rules, when we give and help others, bad things still happen.

Last Friday, I felt as if the Universe was punishing us. I kept asking myself, "Why would this happen? Why would this happen to my mom?" I didn't understand, I felt that since we were good hard working individuals that it was simply unfair. As a witch, I keep my family protected above all. I honestly couldn't understand why such things would happen when I've been so meticulous about keeping everything together.

My mother called me Friday morning, she was hysterical. I was busy working on some magazine issues for my sister's boyfriends business; and all of the sudden, I get this call with my mom on the other line crying hysterically. She tells me they've broken into the company's car and have taken EVERYTHING she has. She was heading to Austin that same day and had some money that belong to my aunt as well as money she had earned doing some extra jobs. The fuckers that broke into her car got away with $600+ cash, plus about $1200 in credit card purchases.

They ripped us off even though I immediately got on the phone and started the tedious task of cancelling / reporting credit cards stolen.  The whole time I kept asking my guides and angels why something like this would happen when we were so close to being ok.

... and then, for some reason I decide to check a bank that we hardly use; we had some loans out on
one of the accounts and I wanted to make sure no purchases were made with those cards. Imagine my surprise when I speak with the representative and find out that there's $411 dollars in the account we no longer used. Apparently I kept making payments after the loan was fully paid and there was this extra money just hanging out in that account. The representative was kind enough to transfer the money into our main account. My mom was absolutely relieved to have found that money. We lost $300, [the other $300 were my aunt's] and we found $411, which definitely came in handy.

After dealing with all the hassle of reporting everything that was stolen, calming my mom down, and assuring her everything would be ok, I finally had a moment to let everything sink in. I allowed myself to let it out, to lose it, to process. I held it together all day, I kept calm, I took care of what needed to be done, I was the voice of reason, the one that made everything better. Once I was all alone and everything was taken care of, it all sunk in.

Those fuckers emptied our bank accounts, made charges on credit cards and got away with cash that we desperately needed. They had my mom hysterical, and crying, I snapped at my sister and made her lose it at her job.

This incident was not something we deserved, it wasn't karmic retribution, it wasn't a random event.
This had purpose, an intention.

I'd seen some money issues during my tarot readings; at the time I thought it referred to our constant struggle to make the bills on time. It also showed someone that influenced these events and my family coming out of it stronger than before. At the time, I interpreted it differently because of the positive cards in the future position. After second analysis I realized that all this shit was someone's intention.

I became enraged.

I was so overwhelmed with rage that the only thing I knew would give us some retribution would be to take care of whomever was responsible for this fucked up situation.

I'm way beyond the Wiccan tradition which states only good should be sent out to the Universe. I started off strongly Wiccan, but as I experienced life and the cruel reality of how many people behave sending out curses and negativity, I realized that the only way to deal with these fuckers is to give them a taste of their own medicine. I'm not ashamed, I don't feel guilty, I have owned up to my actions and the consequences that they bring.

The only time I act is to protect my family or return whatever fucked up shit they send our way... and let me tell you, I'm quite good at it.

I tried to let it go. I tried to be the bigger person and trust in the Universe, trust that Justice would be served. I even meditated on it, and tried to release my anger but I simply could not do it. And let me tell you, I am one strong pacifist, so for someone to enrage me to that point, means they had to push me hard enough for me to push back.

I started on the curse I had in mind, I wanted to hurt these people and remove them from our lives once and for all... and I even stopped a few times along the way, but every time I questioned my actions, the image of my hysterical mother would come to mind. To top it all off, I also got these very clear and vivid images of these people making those fucking purchases at Walmart. They were so clear, that the second I envisioned them, I was enraged all over again. I knew then that I could not, and would not let it go.

While in the middle of rite, one of the vials that I was going to use completely broke. I keep my oils in small boxes and I had never had issues with broken vials. Imagine my surprise when I drop the box and hear glass breaking. The only vial that broke is the one that I'd plan on using.

I wanted to take it as a sign that maybe I should stop. I immediately contacted Jess Carlson and asked for advice. She told me that the energy was high and that I should keep going, which is what I was doing anyway.

Even if I wanted to stop, I simply couldn't.

I was able to save whatever was left of that vial and finished my curse stronger than when I began. I returned whatever they had sent our way, and added a kick for sending it in the first place.... anyone involved with that incident is certainly getting a taste of karmic retribution.... and then some.

I don't feel regret, I don't feel bad, I don't feel anything. They deserve it.

Like I've said before, I'm done playing doormat. I'm done being the nice girl. If you push me, I WILL push back ... and I WILL win.

I could have waited for Lady Justice to weight this out and eventually give the parties responsible for this a little karmic retribution, but honestly, this needed a push.

Which leads me to the next topic of this blog...

Jera, “Patience up to a point. Know your time, but work your wyrd always.”

I really love Rune Secrets. This site is absolutely perfect. It gives a different perspective of each rune while making them relatable and easy to understand. I love the quotes that are at the top of each Rune's analysis, it helps me grasp the concept of the overall energy of each rune. This site is my go-to website when I'm studying the runes; I keep it bookmarked for whenever I do my personal readings. I'll read up on the entire analysis taking note of whatever my intuition tells me, and usually I'll get a very specific and clear message from my rune casting. I've been learning the runes adamantly and I absolutely love them, they resonate with me on a completely different level than the Tarot or oracle decks.

Jera means "Year" literally, esoterically, it means harvest. Jera is the "[r]une of harvest and reward for, or reaction to, right actions in a horizontal (naturally ordered) cyclical process. [It is the] rune of peace on the land and in the heart."

The energy of this rune vibrates with cycles, progress, biorhythms and good harvest, the right effort one makes with every action. It governs the "realization of the cyclical nature of the multiverse, invoking the power of time and cycles." It is about manifesting and initiating gradual and lasting change in the flow of life. Jera has "an unstoppable energy, gradual but unrelenting, unhurried but persistent..."

"Jera is a rune of patience and movement," it has to do with "right timing." It states that everything you need in life, will come to you at the perfect time. What I find interesting about Jera is that it "can magically speed things up or slow things down, and manipulation of subjective time in this manner is governed by this rune." We reap what we sow, and Jera will mirror our actions.

I worked with this Rune during my Return-to-Sender spell to help me speed up the Karmic smack those fuckers needed. I focused my intention on letting them rip what they sow. I've had patience up to a point, and I've known my timing was for the best. I know that they WILL get what they deserve.

We are doing much better. That incident was only a minor setback, and like my cards showed, we are coming back stronger than ever.

I've done some house cleansings, as well as personal and family cleansings. I've reinforced my protections, and made protective talismans for my family and loved ones.

I've decided to embark on a Journey towards Happiness and Prosperity.

I'm focusing my energy on creating a happy environment at home while helping my family and loved ones with any magickal aspect they might need.

We have the ability to manifest our own lives however we see fit. We attract and create what our minds envision, this is the reason why we must keep a positive outlook on life.

We might come across obstacles and blocks that may seem too hard or too difficult to overcome, but if we trust in the Higher Powers we will learn the lesson behind each unfortunate event. This, in the end, makes us wiser and stronger.

My mom no longer carries all her cards with her, she only carries her debit card. She is mindful of all the negative people in her life, and we are taking the measure to protect her from any curse that may be sent her way.

We appreciate the blessings we have in our lives. The fact that we are living together, happy, with unconditional love. Yes, we might have altercations with one another, we might fight and argue at times, but at the end of the day, we know that we love each other... and Love trunks everything else that might try to destroy it. We are a strong bunch, and we know it.