Feeling sick, dazed, and confused...

I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm feeling very dazed right about now. My throat is sore, I have this dry yet phlegmy cough and my bod is a bit achy. I hope I'm not coming up with a cold or the flu. I have enough on my plate dealing with my PMS and my overly emotional heart chakra.

I slept with Emo A. Monday night. I thought I could avoid it, but not when I'm under the influence. I was upset about the recent developments with Sagittarius guy, and Emo Aaron was inviting me over for Breaking Bad and drinks. I needed to get my favorite socks anyway, I blanked out the last time I was there and forgot them on his bed. Going over to Emo A's to watch Breaking Bad and have drinks seemed a lot more fun than staying home crying over my current situation with Sagittarius guy. I really thought I could avoid having sex. I was sore as hell from my Saturday night with Sagittarius guy and was actually mulling over the best way to end things with Emo A. I was trying to keep an open mind as the Romance Angels suggested, but the impromptu session I had with Sag Guy left me emotionally drained. It's not fair for me, or him.

Although, by this point I'm getting even more confident about my theory for Emo A's sexual orientation.  Yeah, I'm all over the place apparently. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, this is the guy I met at Barbs Houston over Thanksgiving holiday. I'd like to think that my gaydar is quite accurate, my body usually just knows. Nestor tells me that it's getting harder to define now days, and even HE has a hard time deciding sexual orientation for some men. Did I forget to mention Nestor's gay?

So for the past couple of months I've been sort of hanging out with Aaron. It's been a handful of times only because I immediately knew that there is no chemistry or spark. I mean, we get along, he's funny and incredibly talented. He reminds me too much of Gay A. though. Gay A. is also a sexually confused male. Well, not really sexually confused, more like, in denial of his true orientation. Emo A gives me that same vibe. It's sooo confusing though. He invites me over and gets hard when around me, he knows EXACTLY where to touch me and in fact, sex is FUCKING GREAT with him. Like, I orgasm every time. I have NEVER experienced this before. It's like he knows the way around the body and where to press to cause the most pleasure possible. It's seriously beyond me how my body reacts when he touches me. I'm not attracted to him and yet, when he touches me I simply give in. I wanna say that this is because of the book I found in his bookshelf, TOUCH ME THERE! which of course, I HAD to purchase. I've yet to read it, but when I asked him why he got it and if he had read all the different spots described in the book he simply said that he only read the vagina part.

I'd consider my gaydar being off if his mannerisms and overall behavior wasn't sooo tweenk gay. I mean, I LIVE IN THE GAY SCENE. Or well, it's not like I'm out clubbin' at gay bars every weekend, I hardly go out but when I do, I usually end up in the gay area. I feel the most comfortable there. My best friend, Nestor or Gordo how I lovingly call him, is a beautiful gay man. I'd say he's a pretty amazing catch. A man of career, an incredible friend, a beautiful soul, handsome looks, giving nature. Oh how I love my Gordito. If he were straight, or I a gay man we would be together. ^_^ But I'm getting side tracked. haha My point is, I know gay men. Also, my body knows straight men. Straight men look at me a very specific way while gay men admire me. It's like this magnetism that one just feels and knows. Now, perhaps I haven't been around many straight gay men, and yes, I believe this is actually a term. haha I remember hearing about it during one of those LOGO shows.

I'm SO confused about this situation. Nestor tells me that no gay man will go through the trouble of even looking at a vagina, to them, it's disgusting. And I'm actually a witness of this. We went to an art show last year, Art Erotica, in Austin Texas, and there was this birdhouse display. Well, we observed the behavior of anyone that would step up to the box and take a peek. No kidding, EVERY SINGLE gay man that stepped up would back up almost immediately repelled by the image and with a look of disgust. Women and lesbians simply took a look and admired the piece of art, the few straight men stared a bit longer. It was SUCH a clear test, and in fact, Gordo and I joke about how THAT is the perfect test to figure out if a guy is gay or straight. His point being, why would Emo A go out of his way to spend time with me and get in my  pants if he was a 30 year old gay man? This makes sense, but then again, you have all these gay men in denial for whatever reason, they marry women and have kids but are never really happy or in love because they have to continually play a certain role.

Gay A is the perfect example. He says he doesn't like labels. Says he pursues women, says he like to mess around with women, finger fuck them, just because he gets turned on by sexuality. Yet, he only sleeps and frequents gay hook up spots. I feel this has more to do with disappointing his family if he comes out as a gay man. I love that he feels close enough to me to at least admit that he's hooking up with men. This wasn't always the case. That feeling I get with Gay A, that's the same feeling I get with Emo A.

I began to consider whether we had come into each other's lives because we were meant to help each other. Perhaps I'll help him figure his shit out, and he can become a close friend. I don't know how this can play out if we continue to hook up... and quite honestly, I enjoy hooking up. It would be a good distraction from Sag guy.

Oh Sag guy... I can't stop thinking about him. I replay the parts of the night that I remember in my head, day dream about our intense sexual encounter. The way he makes love to me... :sigh: ... how he kisses me with such passion as he strokes me rhythmically making me reach new intense levels of ecstasy. I might've said I love him in my drunken state that night :/
I gave myself over and over and over again to him... he gave himself to me. But I don't know if he meant it or if it was just the alcohol talking.

My gut tells me that I should stop with Emo A. It also keeps me wanting more of Sag guy even though he's no good for me. I feel that the best thing to do will be to cut chords and purge over the dark of the moon. Actually, depending on the weather, I might begin tonight, if not definitely tomorrow night. It's time.

I feel some serious distance will most definitely help me clear my thoughts and intentions. The way I see it is, if he's not reaching out, he doesn't want me the way I want him. And even though I haven't verbally said, "Hey Sag guy, I have realized I have very strong feelings for you and would like to give US a chance. Lets start over."  He still knows my body language, he can tell because he knows me. This is a direct quote actually. He knew I liked him before I KNEW I liked him, and would tease me with this information. If he remembers anything from that night, from the way I was with him, the things I said... there's no doubt he knows.

I've been procrastinating my cards again. It's been two weeks since my last reading. I feel today I'll get them done to see what's coming my way. I need guidance and all these experiences are confusing my mind, body and spirit.

Today I get The Fault In Our Stars, I'm ready to engulf myself in this read. It's time to get back on track. I should be getting everything I need on time for the Dark of The Moon Purge, then I can start over with the New Moon.

I feel a bit better today actually. I was very emotional Monday and Tuesday, got teary eyed while with Emo A. There's this song he played for me, which the title alone told me there would be a strong emotional reaction and perhaps some needed signs. Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen. Oh man.

"Once you had me, you don't have me anymore. I don't crave you in the morning... I don't use you to escape... once you had me, you don't have me anymore."

I think I might've freaked out Emo A. a bit. Shit, even now I'm getting emotional and I thought I was over my overly sensitive stage of my PMS cycle. ....."But the truth is, that you do... not the way you used to, but I keep coming back to you." :sigh:

There's another man that stole my heart with a song this week. Actually, Jake Worthington from The Voice had me crying right before I left to hang out with Emo A Monday night. I even paid for his performance of the song on iTunes. I'm in love with the song, his voice, and the feelings it evokes in me.

 

 

I love this song....and I already love this kid. Oh gosh, I'm back to sensitive and emotional. haha I gotta love it! I feel good though. Like, this is necessary. I'm getting more writing done, I feel with ritual everything will absolutely fall into place. Time to focus on healing on every level. 

Messages from Ariel... (PBP 2014 wk 1)

January 6,2014

I can't believe a whole year has gone by and we're already starting a new Pagan Blog Project!!! I missed most of the entries from last years project due to external circumstances, procrastination, and general distractions, but I am fully committed to try again this year!

With all the energy from the New Moon / New Year alignment I was able to work on some release spells during the dark of the moon, and planting new seeds / New Moon Magick. Now, for some reason I've been procrastinating more than usual, I've been sleeping more, meditating more, daydreaming more.. and avoiding my personal tarot / angel readings, loud noises, and large crowds. {I seem to do this when I'm going through emotional stress.} As of now, I'm going with the flow of what my body needs, or seems to be asking for. I went through a high then low energy shift during last week / over the weekend, I was very active at first, accomplishing tasks, getting things done, etc and then my energy dropped and I got very emotional and sensitive and hormonal. {I'm blaming it on my cycle and choosing to ignore my love life here haha...although, my cycle coincided with the New Moon haha and I usually get hormonal BEFORE I get my period! haha oh gosh, I need a chakra realignment.}

I'll be honest about something, I didn't exactly go through the full rituals I had planned during the dark of the moon and the new moon celebrations, again, procrastination. I worked on a quick release negativity spell during new years eve, {as in, a few minutes before midnight hehe --the way I see it, this is still considered the dark of the moon since the New Moon was supposed to begin after 6am,} and worked on my goals with the new moon in Capricorn. I feel that's as much as I needed. There's another new moon at the end of the month, sooo, in a way, I kinda have a do-over in case there's any more release work. ^_^  There's this one spell I want to try, Indigo Witch shared it during the month of November, but again, I procrastinated haha. I told myself I'd work on that release spell during the December New Moon, but again, I missed the opportunity. Hopefully at the end of the month I'll be able to skyclad and release whatever I no longer need in my life. :)

I feel so bipolar at times; even this morning I was a bit sensitive, and now, I feel grounded and balanced. I've been going through highs and lows the past few days, I'm glad I've been able to regain some sort of balance with the help of the Angels and meditation. I had an "ugly crying" moment last night (I realized that the person I want in my life is not available the way I need him to be,) I meditated on the issues, asked the Angels for help and went to sleep. This morning I woke up feeling relieved, still a bit sensitive but relieved, and a lot lighter. I can't quite remember my dreams but I have a feeling something meaningful happened, in fact, most of the dreams I've been having lately have some big "AHA moment" feeling to them, but I can't seem to remember in the morning.

I feel better than I did last night, and what I keep discovering is that anytime I'm in distress and ask for help from guides and angels I'm usually comforted almost immediately. I'm learning to let go of the things I can not change and of the people that don't want to be in my life. I've been asking for signs, which is where this post originally came from, but even the signs were a bit confusing for a while.

The whole Ariel message has actually been repeating in my life for the past 3 months. These signs began in early October I believe because I remember thinking "wow another little mermaid costume" while out on 6th Street, Austin Tx during Halloween.

So, for the past few months I've been getting this very strong feeling that there's a message I need to understand that has to do with The Little Mermaid.... haha sounds crazy, I know. I thought so myself, but the more these kept repeating the harder it got to ignore.

I did a quick memory check to see what I could remember from the cartoon and how this could relate to my life and found nothing of importance. In a gist, Ariel falls in love with the prince, she gives up her legs becomes a mermaid, they defeat Ursula and end up happily ever after. Nothing major that relates to my life.

I forgot about this for another month or so, and then over the weekend of the dark of the moon a friend snapchatted me a video of the little mermaid, something they were watching in the middle of the night! how random! I figured, it was time to get to the bottom of this evasive message! 

I attempted to download the movie but encountered some issues, discussed my shortcomings with my cousin in Mexico and how I felt there was a message there. She shared the actual little mermaid story, which is a lot sadder than the Disney version. In a gist, the little mermaid sacrifices her legs, is in constant pain, refuses to kill her love in order to save herself and turns into foam. The messages we came across were of sacrifice for a loved one.

I thought about this and decided I needed more information. I finally got a hold of the movie and watched it. The Little Mermaid was one of my favorite movies as a child. I can't think of another movie I watched over and over other than The Lion King. I got some emotional reactions during certain scenes, these mostly dealt with love and intimacy. Issues I deal with more often than I'd like. So of course it was expected of me to get teary eyed. Ariel gave up a part of herself to be with her prince, and in a way, we sometimes give a part of ourselves up for a guy we want to be with... not ideal of course.

I sorta felt a bit of a pull over the Ursula deal. Sometimes I feel I let my dark side make decisions. I am not perfect, and I've made mistakes in the past, heck, I continue to make them from time to time. I get pissed and I think things I shouldn't be thinking about, these later happen or some version of these manifest and I can't help but feel a bit guilty{and this is only from my rants.}

So, after watching the movie, the messages I got were of sacrifice, and karma, unconditional love, and petty behavior. This still didn't feel completely right. I thought about simply writing what I had and then editing if I got any more insights in the future.

Then on Sunday I came across a quote that spoke to me {I was in my emo state bummed out about my current relationship status so this immediately called my attention.}

 "I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath.

I shared this quote on Facebook and immediately became curious about the author. I remembered hearing about Sylvia Plath but in all honesty, I didn't really know much about her.

I found that she was an American poet and novelist, who suffered from depression throughout her adult life and eventually committed suicide.

DARK. isn't it?

I mean, I've personally dealt with depression in the past, and well, it's not a pretty place. I even considered suicide and was so low that I never thought I'd ever feel normal again, so of course I can relate. These signs began to feel a bit darker because of the nature of the subject, but at the same time, I felt strong enough and protected enough to trust that these were just messages I needed to be aware of, and not some ominous curse from someone that hates me and wants me dead by the ago of 30. Dark I know, but honestly, this crossed my mind.

I set aside my momentary fears and immediately wanted to know more about Sylvia Plath and her tortured soul. I got The Bell Jar and as many books about her as I could find on Amazon {wish list of course}. Along the way, I came across one of her later works, Ariel --a compilation of poems written after her first suicidal attempt. This book was published two years after her death by suicide. So of course, I got a hold of the pdf version of this book. I didn't get a chance to read all the poems, in fact I only read the one titled Ariel. Her poetry is raw and intense, and hard to understand. I've re-read this poem a few times and I still can't understand half of it.

Stasis in darkness.

Then the substanceless blue

Pour of tor and distances.
God's lioness,
How one we grow,
Pivot of heels and knees!--The furrow
Splits and passes, sister to
The brown arc
Of the neck I cannot catch,
Nigger-eye
Berries cast dark
Hooks----
Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Shadows.
Something else
Hauls me through air----
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.
White
Godiva, I unpeel----
Dead hands, dead stringencies.
And now I
Foam to wheat, a glitter of seas.
The child's cry
Melts in the wall.
And I
Am the arrow,
The dew that flies,
Suicidal, at one with the drive
Into the red
Eye, the cauldron of morning.

                 -Sylvia Plath, Ariel.

{This moment actually feels like a deja-vu, I feel as if I've already performed these actions. Written a blog post, analyzed a poem, gotten incredibly confused and felt somewhat cloudy about the subject.}

But anyway, on to the Ariel messages... I thought I was done with the research part of this message, but then today, as I was catching up with my Angel Class course load I got another message. I was listening to the audio lessons and as I'm writing this blog post, Jess starts talking about the acronym for "FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real, we fear things that haven't even happened yet." We need to learn to face fear, step around it, and through it, we need to understand how this relates to our personal blocks with respect to our clairsenses and our ego, or false messages from the spirit world. This immediately jumped out of the recording. So I figured it had to do with my post. Shortly after, I hear her go over the archangels and she starts with Ariel, which means, Lioness of God. I get this YES! THAT'S IT feeling. Perhaps the message has been to connect more with Archangel Ariel all along. Sylvia Plath's Ariel poem mentions God's Lioness in reference to the Archangel. I still haven't processed the full poem, but the Archangel's reference is giving me the YES, THAT'S IT, sign.

After encountering these literary obstacles during the "Ariel messages" scavenger hunt, I got a sense of the many different issues and blocks in my life that are currently affecting my spiritual journey. I'm still not 100% sure that I've in fact deciphered the Ariel Messages fully, but it feels like I've gotten a good sense of what needs to be addressed.

From the Disney movie I got the sense that I can't give up major aspects of who I am for a guy or a relationship. If I must sacrifice for love, it must be reciprocated. Sacrifice and love go hand in hand, but I can't allow myself to get completely lost in the notion of falling in love with such desperation. From Ursula's connection, I reminded myself to make the right choices, not out of spite or obsession but out of what's right for my higher self. Obsession can turn into a downward spiral that will leave me where I was with my ex a couple of years ago.

From Sylvia Plath's Ariel, I got nothing. Other than the reference made to the archangel. I however feel a strong connection with this writer, and so I've decided to go back to basics and read The Bell Jar to become more familiar with her work. I have a lot on my plate already, but I feel that reading her poetry and books will give me a better understanding of myself and the depression I've suffered in the past.

We are entering the second half of Talk To Your Angels, an advanced level course I'm taking with Jess Carlson, and I know that I will get a chance to connect deeper to Archangel Ariel. Hopefully she will have more messages for me that will help and guide me towards the right path.

I'm excited about this new year and the beginning of this new cycle! I can feel the changes in the air and I'm loving it! I expect great changes, happy experiences, and tons of growth from this upcoming year. :)