Dare to Hope... Healing & Finding Happiness. (PBP 2014 wk 15)

For this week's post I decided to write about Hope, Healing and Happiness. Something that for me, goes hand in hand. I long with all my heart, to be truly happy. I know that what's keeping me from attaining this is my chronic health issues. Healing is an utmost priority.

I know that these issues I'm experiencing make me a better person, and when these fears and obstacles are conquered, it will make me a stronger individual. I know that if I wasn't experiencing this, I wouldn't be on this path...

I dare to hope.

I dare to hope that one day I will attain the perfect health I long for. I believe with all my heart that God & Goddess, Divinity, The Universe will align me in a way that will help me attain the healthy mind, body, and soul I seek.

I'm holding on to hope for dear life.
My faith keeps me anchored.

I believe in miracles and I know that Divinity will not fail me. I am after all, one with The Universe.

I long for Love. True unconditional love.

In the Tibetan meditation class I learned about attachment and conditional love.. We love with conditions. I want to simply love, unconditionally, and to be loved with as much intensity as my soul can handle.

I hope to find this love. Hope: That flickering light that holds on for dear life even in windy environments... the light that keeps your faith anchored, even when you're surrounded by darkness. That light of hope that assures you that in the end, you will find your happily ever after.

My heart wants... oh, it wants so much I can hardly hold it back. 

My Heart wants to give, it wants to love, it wants intimacy, it wants to care, to soar, and jump, it want's to rejoice and sing the sweet sweet melodies composed by the heart when in love. My heart wants to fall in love, and stay in love. It wants to experience the type of love soul mates have for one another.

My soul wants to be happy. My soul deserves to be happy.

I hope to find Happiness through Healing. After all, balance is the key to everything...  

During last month's New Moon, I worked on a Healing / Happiness crystal grid. I am working with my Angels and guides, with Spirit and of course, the crystal's and their magick / medicine. The grid feels good, it's definitely helping me deal with my own short comings. It's helping me with the changes I need to make, and to love myself above all.

I feel more grounded, yet light. I feel this energy shift is what helped me attract the guy I  met last Saturday. The Architect. A beautiful individual in every aspect of the word.

The last time I went out with the intention of meeting someone, my energy was so off that I ended with Emo A. The sexually confused emo guy.

This time around, I went out expecting little since we were headed to a gay art show.

The odds of finding an attractive male were of course in my favor, the odds of encountering an attractive "straight" male were zero to none. In spite of the odds, I still dabbed a couple of drops of Jess Carlson's Out All Night oil and walked out the door. I was ready for what the night would bring.

I was a bit hesitant when my best friend, Gordo, suggested we hit Barbarella (awesome bar in Austin Texas) after the art show. I wasn't ready to share him with his "other" woman but of course I obliged. I have a habit of saying "YES, LETS DO IT" (even when I don't feel like doing that particular "it.") While with my bestie, "no" does not exist. And, oh, am I glad.

As expected my friend got lost in chatter with his friends. I'm not a wallflower type, but didn't particularly feel like making small talk with the group. Sooo I walked off to the dance floor, I was there to dance after all. Plus, it was a regular night, which meant, lots of straight guys.

It seriously took me less than two songs to find the guy of my dreams.  ^_^

I was surrounded by a group of guys dancing the night away. Straight guys out dancing and having fun --that's the type of atmosphere you get a Barbs. There was this tall and attractive chubby guy that was coming on strong but in a cute silly way. He was hip bumping me and dropping it like it was hot right in front of me. It was amusing, but he wasn't it.

I was fully enjoying myself when all of the sudden I saw "Him" from across the dance floor, I smiled a few times, made eye contact and kept on dancing. I separated myself from the group of guys and next thing you know, He's next to me. He asked if I was "with the tall guy in plaid."  I clarified and told him I was there with my gay best friend, who was at moment having a drink by the bar, technically, I was there "alone." hehe The rest was history. He didn't let go of me all night. Even when he'd go to get me a drink, he'd leave me with his group of friends so I wouldn't stand / dance there alone. (Or so I wouldn't get "picked up" by another guy.)

The Architect is SUCH a gentleman! Tall, handsome, fit, beautiful and most importantly, eloquent, clever, witty and smart. He has the softest beard, just the right shade of light brown/blond and a very nice ass. Oh gosh, I'm crushing. HARD. :sigh: I love the way he approached me, how sweet and good looking he is, but most of all, I love his personality and kind heart. :sigh: Crush at first sight.

With most guys, I'll usually lose interest after I get to know the individual a little better. With The Architect, it's the complete opposite. The more I find out about him, the more I like him. I know it's waaay too soon but I'm daring to hope that maybe this can be something. His first text message was sent at 1:23 am... and another crucial message was sent at 3:33..  Even his phone number has a 444 in it. I mean, it definitely feels like something. :sigh: oh gosh, why do these signs feel like definite YES!?

Gordo LOVES him. In fact, he urges me to, (and I quote) "not fuck it up with this guy." He seems to be mesmerized by The Architect.
I'm not forcing anything, I'm just letting it be. I'm enjoying it to the fullest and allowing things to simply develop as they are meant to.

I dare to hope that maybe this individual will be a beautiful experience... I would love it if he was the one. I'm such a hopeless romantic...

I long to love... and I know the Universe will not disappoint.

I know I need to get back on track with my diet in order to control my chronic issues, I am determined to achieve balance of mind, body and spirit.

"I will, therefore I am."

On Matters of The Heart... (PBP 2013 wk 26)

My heart rules who I am, my higher self. I follow my heart and honor my feelings; I'm aware that these feelings in me need to be nurtured, whether they're good or bad. 

Love happens when you least expect it. We encounter all these people that are meant to teach us a certain lesson during our lifetimes; sometimes they stay in your life for extended periods of time, and other times they're only with you momentarily. Regardless of the situation, they were meant to cross paths with you and you should cherish the time you had to spend with them. 

I'm completely aware of this major truth; I know that our lives are constantly in a state of change, evolving and growing to better connect with our higher selves. Somehow, the lessons do not get any easier to master, the feelings and emotions that come with caring about someone, loving them even, do not become any easier to understand. 

:sigh: 
 I'm in the middle of understanding why I'm feeling the way I am about a certain someone, "J". I'll admit that I never expected to feel this way about this guy. In fact, he was extremely annoying right from the start.

Isn't that the way it usually goes? You fall for the one you never expected... 

 I wasn't even attracted to him. I tolerated our interactions because somehow he awakened a feisty aspect of me; I enjoyed debating issues, proving him wrong, just having a conversation.  
Getting to know someone of the opposite sex with the same astrological sign is definitely a challenge. It pin points a lot of your own flaws, it makes you see how your behavior affects others, it opens your eyes to the reality of your personality's core.
If you can get through this, if you can learn from each other, the relationship has a chance. 

He seemed to be getting attached at first, and when I didn't reciprocate he pulled away. It's not that I didn't feel anything, because the Gods know I did. I just needed time to sort out my feelings; not rushing was the key for me, and I felt he was pressuring me. 

"J" pulled away, I was hurt. I pulled my self together and shrugged it off, life goes on. 

He came back into my life, this time as friends only. I welcomed this, friendship was something I could definitely deal with. The expectations of starting a new relationship put way too much pressure on me. He was in the process of getting to know another girl, and even though part of me felt jealous, I knew this was the best situation for the both of us. 

His attempts at starting new relationships failed, and time after time I was there for support. I cherished the friendship, his honesty, the fact that he genuinely cared for me... we developed this sort of "flirtationship" which kept the relationship interesting and fun. 

We, or well, he, talked about being together. He'd say things like "You know, we fight like an old married couple." And when I'd question him about whether this was a good or bad thing, his response would be that it definitely wasn't bad. There were so many hypothetical situations that involved the both of us being together that I really couldn't help myself, I wanted to be with him. 

The second I realized he could hurt my feelings I pulled away. I needed to regain some sort of balance; I don't like feeling sad, or upset over a guy. We had so many arguments, some playful other's with some basis to them; he'd hurt my feelings often due to misunderstandings --it wasn't his intention, I'm just too sensitive, and when I care I tend to over analyze and take things to heart-- and after he'd realize this, he'd apologize, he'd call and we'd talk things through. I honestly don't make a habit of picking up when I'm upset, but somehow, I'd always pick up for him. He was trying, no one can deny this. Leo's have difficult personalities. But our heart, our heart is loyal and giving and so very honest. Perhaps this was one of the major factors that I loved so much about him... 

:sigh: 

It's only been over two weeks since we last exchanged messages... 23 days since I last heard his voice. June 1st was the last conversation... I might have overreacted with our last exchange of messages. I was sensitive because I hadn't heard from him since our last call, and given how things had gotten between us, I was feeling a bit neglected... and then, I received a half-ass response. I mean, come on. I deserve a little more than a two-word response.... I simply gave up. 

I could not continue this way, getting my feelings hurt over and over and over again, and for petty things, things that shouldn't upset me as much as they did... I felt it was unnecessary. 
  Why should I feel bad about myself? Why should I feel inadequate when I know how amazing and loving I am. When I know I have nothing but love to offer... 

I know I'm overly sensitive, I also know that this helps me connect to humanity better... I know that my sensitivity and my ego keep me a bit doubtful and afraid of getting hurt again. Love can hurt, it can break us, it can change us forever... I work my magick with my heart, and I can't work my magick when my spirits are low.

I've been in love before, and I've had my heartbroken too... It left me numb for so long that when I started feeling again I honestly could not handle these emotions.  It took me so long to be able to feel again that once I recovered this very essential part of me I promised myself I would never let go of it again. I don't like feeling jaded, or like there's no point to life's happiness. Love makes the world go round, it gives us the ability to connect with others, give freely and without restrain, and find the wonders of life which makes us dare to dream.

I know that timing is of essence, the Angels have given me this message many times before. I know that anything I want or need will come to me when I am ready and not before. How is it possible that after having all this knowledge I'm still hurting?

My eyes burn with unshed tears, my throat closes, my chest tightens, I miss him...
And it's not like I'm not keeping busy. I'm studying, learning, expanding my knowledge, my tarot and Angel communication classes keep me busy. My family keeps me busy too, I have all these tasks, chores, and magickal to-do lists that keep me occupied...

If I know this major truth about love and the Universe, why is it that I'm still missing him?
He knows how I feel, given my behavior and the talks we've had he's more than aware that I feel for him more than a simple friendship. Isn't that what he wanted? for me to feel as much as he felt for me?

:sigh: As I write this post this song came up ... it's kind of like this...
 
 

 

Take time to realize,
 That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
 Take time to realize,
 That I am on your side
 Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

 But I can't spell it out for you,
 No it's never gonna be that simple
 No I cant spell it out for you

 

 If you just realize what I just realized,
 Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

 It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

 If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

 

But like the song says, "I can't spell it out for you.."

 

Maybe what I feel is what I'm supposed to feel. There's a lesson here, I know this. I'm just too close to decipher it. Maybe we aren't meant for each other, and that's ok. I still wish I had my friend... I miss him.

 

I realize that this distance is necessary and it's showing me what I need to feel.

 

This doesn't keep me from thinking about him from time to time, and I know with all that I am that he HAS to be thinking of me too. I know this. My mind is very strong, I've proven this time after time.

 

Just last week a guy I was sort of interested in a few years ago crossed my mind. He's also a Leo, and it reminded me how prideful and dignified Leo's can be. We had a fall-out and that was the end of that. I hurt his Leo pride and he pretty much said I'M DONE.

 

This guy crossed my mind for less than a minute... guess who's contacting me this week? That same guy. From a single thought. This happens anytime any guy crosses my mind, I'll think of them and they contact me, call me or text me.

 

How is it possible that I've been thinking of "J" on a daily basis and all with no result? I know he's thinking of me... I know this. But he won't contact me, and I honestly can no longer put my feelings on the line. It sets me back a couple of days every time I've given in, I end up getting my feelings hurt... it's not something I like. 

I don't know where this will lead me, or what the outcome will be. I am trying my best to give other guys a chance.

The night the other leo guy crossed my mind, I'd been crying over "J," I'd given in to my sensitive emotions and I just let it out. I had a conversation with Goddess and asked why I was feeling that way, why I had feelings for someone that didn't reciprocate the way I needed... the other leo guy crossed my mind and I knew that one of the Leo traits was pride, and pride keeps us from reaching out even when we want to. I let these thoughts go and went to bed.. and within a few days, the other Leo guy contacted me. I know Goddess sent me a little distraction, someone compatible that would keep my mind occupied for the time being...

The other Leo guy, "M" seems to be ready for something more meaningful this time around. We spent most of that night discussing religion and the occult. He's an intelligent guy, and he seems to be drawn to my thirst for knowledge. I feel I might be able to open up completely and tell him about my path when the time is right, and IF he sticks around long enough for us to have that talk. The simple fact that he doesn't view religion as most people do, gives me the sense that there might be a chance for him to be accepting of my spirituality.

I don't know what the future holds for me... I'm taking it one day at a time. I have faith and hope that wherever I'm heading, is the right place for me.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe 

 

 

Kitchen Witchery Keeps Me Sane... (PBP 2013 wk 22)

I'd like to think that the art of cooking has been in my blood since I was a child. I started cooking, or well, I was attracted to the kitchen from an early age.

I clearly remember watching my mom cook our delicious meals daily, and sometimes, I was even allowed to help her flip tortillas. There's a key to cooking flour tortillas the right way, you flip them 3 times: you put it on the "comal" and allow the surface to bubble a bit leaving it undercooked, you flip it and allow the second surface to cook completely, you'll know this because the tortilla will start puffing up like a balloon, you then flip it back to the first surface and allow it to finish cooking. I was about 7 years old, and I absolutely fell in love with the kitchen.

As the oldest sibling I've always been in charge of feeding my two younger sisters. Both of my parents worked, and I was given the responsibility of taking care of the household from an early age.  I spent most of middle school and high school in the kitchen cooking dinner for my sisters and my parents lunch for the following day. 
 
I can't say that I always liked this responsibility, in fact, there were times when it overwhelmed me, but I had to do what I had to do in order to help my family. 
 
As I grew up, my love for the kitchen only evolved. I have this natural ability to create savory and flavorful dishes out of mostly anything.
 
My soul card is the Empress, and I feel it clearly depicts my motherly nature. I absolutely love feeding people. I love it more when my food gets positive reviews. I sometimes worry that people will not like my food because I tend to improvise on the spot, but most of the time it turns out pretty yummy.
 
I feel the same way about spellwork. I'll find a spell that speaks to me, and I'll adapt it to resonate with who I am. I'm quite good at coming up with meaningful spells that get the job done.
 
When I first was introduced to The Kitchen Witch through my eclectic path, I knew that I possessed the ability and inspiration to make magickal meals that would not only nourish my loved ones but also help them with whatever needs they had.
 
I'm still the cook of the household. My mother no longer cooks, she's lost her touch he-he. My youngest sister and roommate doesn't know how to cook, so of course I am in charge of the kitchen. Which actually helps me, and consequently them to live harmoniously.
 
Every meal I make, is full of protection, love, and prosperity. My herb garden is full of all the ingredients I need to fill my meals with the magickal kick they need. I have a pantry full of dry herbs and a head full of knowledge.
 
I'm not saying that we are perfect, in fact, my family clashes quite a bit. I've found that through cooking I can deflect a lot of tension, drama and negativity. I cook with love and it shows in every meal.
  
Not to toot my own horn, but I can honestly whip up a meal out of whatever I find in the fridge and pantry. My repertoire of meals includes traditional Mexican meals, American cuisine, Italian, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, south American food, and eclectic meals which I can adapt in almost any fashion. I'll add a pinch of magick and voilà, a filling, nutritious meal, that's not only delicious but magickal.

Cooking honestly keeps me sane. I clear my head from whatever issues or drama that's currently afflicting the family, and the meal just comes to mind. I know exactly which ingredients I should use to maximize the spell's strength, --which will help them release stress, deflect negativity or attract money-- and I'll just cook up a storm.

I've embarked on the journey towards perfect health. After my 5 day veggie juice cleanse I thought I'd be able to turn vegetarian, but of course, that wasn't the case. I love meat, chicken, and fish waaay too much to give it up. So, instead, I've compromised with myself. I still have no intention of consuming carbs or sugars, which is absolutely HARD AS HELL!!! I've come to the conclusion that I will eat solids which will include meat, chicken or fish along side a large serving of veggies on the days that I can eat and on the other days I'll do my veggie fast. This way I can give my body a rest in between processing food. I've already lost about 12 pounds and I've been doing this since last Wednesday.

I'm optimistic about this journey. It is hard, but it will be worth it. I have to keep praying for help from the angels and guides. It's so hard not to eat sweets and carbs. As of the past couple of days I've been going through carb withdrawal and it's kicking my ass.

Just last night I made dinner, my own concoction of course. There was some week old cinnamon bread and whole grain bread that I definitely wanted to utilize, so I made bread pudding. And let me tell ya, it was PACKED with sweets and yummy goodness. I did not try it of course, but I was sooo close to breaking my diet. Even now, I want to walk downstairs and stuff my face with at least 3 pieces of that yummy goodness. But I won't. I've come to far to give in to temptation.

I am constantly craving subway sandwiches, flour tortilla tacos, and sweets. Withdrawal is raging within. I need help. I've worked on some spellwork to help me through this, and I have faith that I will get through it. I have a hard road ahead of me but I have the will to carry me through it.

I'm excited, and hungry but I rather take care of my body than give in to my cravings.

The X Factor ... (PBP wk 48)

The last post I made was back in September.
I wanted to get on track, catch up, and focus on me... but of course that didn't happen.

We are already in week 48 and there's only 30 days left of the Pagan Blog Project. I thought about saying "fuck it," and starting over in January when the next project begins; but for some reason I felt the need to give it one last try.
I thought that if I focus on writing, and just writing I can get out of this endless cycle of obsessing over what is and what isn't.

For this week, we are writing a post with the letter X. I could have taken a look at Judika's Encyclopedia of Spirits for one that begins with X; but every time I thought of this letter, Lauryn Hill's The X Factor would come to mind. Lauryn Hill is a legend. I fell in love with her music many years ago and can honestly say that her one and only album is still one of my must-haves; I keep it with me at all times -phone, mp3 player, the cloud.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

 

So instead of avoiding the real issues that have me in a less than optimal form, I decided to let it out. The Ex is in fact a big factor in my life, and things are so complicated between us that I no longer know where I stand.

As I listened to this song for the millionth time taking comfort in her soothing voice and the honesty of her lyrics, I thought of no one else but him. She reached the line "cause no one's hurt me more than you... and no one ever will," and my chest contracted. I felt it so deep in me that I couldn't help but cry. It's true, no one's hurt me as much as this guy has, and no one ever will. I know this sounds pathetic, I shouldn't care about a guy that's put me through so much pain.. and, as much as I'd like to say otherwise, I still love him. "When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good..." another of Lauryn Hill 's legends. :sigh:

Just before my last post I remember discussing how toxic this guy is for me. I wanted to stay away from him, and focus on me. He's a bad addiction. When I do my personal readings he always comes up, can you guess which card comes up? The Devil of course... among others.

I'd managed to bounce back after our last encounter and was learning to deal with these old, but at the same time, very new feelings for him when I found he'd been in a motorcycle accident. One that I was partially responsible for...

I'm a new witch, and sometimes I forget that as a witch I need to be careful with my thoughts. We'd been having issues. He'd just gotten the motorcycle and kept driving somewhat recklessly. I remember thinking, I wish he'd get rid of that bike.

During his last visit I traced 3 sigils on his bike for protection. I asked Goddess to keep him safe above all. After he left we got into some discussions, I found out some things that really upset me. Things were off between us and I was upset and hurt; I cried a lot and sought Goddess's guidance. The next morning I find out that he's been in an accident and was in the hospital. 

I felt it'd been my fault.
He was misbehaving, I cried to God & Goddess and the next morning he's in the hospital. He was going 70 mph when a buck jumped in front of him, he avoided it but wiped out down the road. He could have killed himself...
:sigh: I had a serious breakdown.
He fractured his arm, and dislocated his shoulder, had road burn all over and couldn't even move.
I felt so guilty.

I'd cried all night, complaining to God & Goddess, asking for help, for him to learn his lesson and then he's in an accident. It could be ruled a coincidence but I know better. This isn't the first time the Universe spanks him for misbehaving. Call it intuition, or whatever, I know this because I've been present when it's happened before. Of course nothing had been as big or dangerous as an actual accident, but it's been specific enough to show me that he's lying, or doing things he shouldn't be doing.

I was so worried for him. I ran to his side of course. I took care of him from October 10th -25th and dropped everything in my life along the way...

What happened in those two weeks ranged from absolutely beautiful to incredibly depressing --going into detail will just point out at my inability to walk away from that which serves me no good.

:sigh: I don't know where we stand now. I made some irrational mistakes myself while I was with him; things just fell apart. There were other parties involved of course, I just thought we'd be able to get through it.

I know he's not good for me and that the best thing I should do is to just stay away; I know this. If I was giving advice to someone in my own situation I would've suggested they run for the hills. I just keep hoping he'll change for himself, that he'll open his eyes and realize that he's better than what he's currently doing. I've loved this guy for such a long time, he's been back in my life for less than 6 months and I'm a hot mess again.

Before I left and dropped out of civilization, I was working on this post for the letter T. I did a personal reading and Temperance came out as the key for my reading --coincidentally that was my Taroscope for October. Wish I'd taken the card more seriously, if would've kept my cool I wouldn't have made as many wrong choices as I did.

Should've could've and would've, but didn't.

Inspite of the havoc that was wrecked I can't help but feel that everything was meant to happen as it did.

I'd avoided checking my cards since early November because I didn't want to see for myself that we're really over.
I finally did last night, and Temperance was the base of my anchor. The reading was actually extremely positive. The Sun was on the future position, the life spread reading showed the wish card on the future area, the rest all pointed towards getting what I've always wanted. I need to have patience.

It took me over 2 weeks to get over the stressful drama I had to deal with while I was with him. During this entire time I've neglected my spirituality and practice. Well, not completely, I had time with God, Goddess, the elements & the ancestors but didn't really cast any spells. I honored Goddess during Full & New Moon but didn't have the energy to cast for myself. Rowan always said that you procrastinate because it's your body's way of telling you that you need to rest; which is exactly what I did. I was exhausted emotionally.

I feel somewhat better. I'm trying once again to focus and persevere. I ordered some books from Rowan's book sale and I'm quite excited about getting lost in the craft. I have so many projects that I want to work on, books I'd like to read, posts I want to write. I just need to focus. I need to seek guidance from the higher beings.

I have a 6 card reading I purchased from Rowan during Halloween but I've yet to ask my question. Hopefully after I ground and center I'll be able to figure out what I need to know.

I've got a month to shed some pounds and reflect on my path, my relationships and where I'm going.

I'll follow the cards advice and I'll be patient.

I've got to trust in the advice I get from my higher being.

Rosemary, the multifaceted magickal herb (PBP wk 35)

According to Scott Cunningham, you can replace any unavailable herb with Rosemary when working magick. When I first came across this statement I did not really understand why this was the case.

It took me some research and actual interaction with the plant to fully understand why its so versatile.  Aside from adding great flavor to my cooking, Rosemary is one of the most widely used herbs in magickal practice.

It wasn't until I started to grow it in my garden that I was able to connect with the spirit of the plant. I absolutely love the scent it emits, the aromatics found in this plant are so high that you can practically catch a whif if you're standing a foot away.

I love to incorporate Rosemary into my cooking; I love to work on my kitchen magick every time I cook a meal for my family. The intention is always love, abundace, prosperity and happiness. I absolutely love baked Rosemary chicken, its flavor-full in the most decadent way.

I remember a few months back I was working on an uncrossing bath for myself. I incorporated rosemary, lavender, thyme and sage. As I filled the tub with hot water, I began to work with each plant's energy. When I came across Rosemary, I noticed that there was a spider with it's egg sack attached to the underside of one of the leaves.

During that time, I was having a lot of encounters with Spider, so I took this as a sign. I apologized to Spider for upsetting her home and promised to take her outside as soon as I finished my bath. I did some quick research over my phone's internet and found out that Spider's eggsack is called 'Spider pearls' and is actually a sign of good luck and used in magickal practice. Of course I couldn't just take Spider's babies, that wasn't even a choice for me. I explained to Spider that I would find her a better home, as I did that, Spider picked up her eggsack and began to web a link towards my incense holder. I watched mesmerized as Spider went back and forth from rosemary to incense holder until her web was strong enough to move her eggs. Spider actually decided to settle on the underside of my incense stick holder. I couldn't believe it, but took it as a good sign. I thanked her for trusting me and reassured her that I would take her outside as soon as I finished with my bath.

I did just as promised and placed my incense holder inside my rosemary and sage pot. I asked Spider to make herself at home and thanked her spirit for making itself known to me for the past few months.

The next day, I let my dog Luna out into the backyard and go out running errands. It wasn't until I got back that I remembered my incense holder. Now, if you knew my dog, you'd know how destructive she tends to be. I for sure thought my incense stick holder was a goner. I checked my rosemary & sage pot and just as expected my main altar's incense holder was gone. I searched the entire backyard and found nothing. I'd covered every inch and almost given up when I decided to ask for help.

I stood there, grounded myself and drew a circle with a branch I found. As soon as I close the circle and look down I see a small white feather, which reminded me of Indigo Witch's message about my angels. Whenever I find a tiny white feather, its a sign my angels are there to guide and protect me.

Immediately after I see the feather I look about 8 feet to my left and what do I see? My incense holder! I couldn't believe it! I'd searched every inch and didn't see it before, and there it was, on the ground, some feet away from where I stood. I thanked the elements and my angels, closed the circle and inspected my incense holder. Surprisingly enough, the damage was minimal. There was only a small piece chipped off. Luna usually destroys any wooden thing! I was definitely lucky. I've had this holder for years, it speaks to me because it has a metal Sun; and well, it was a gift from my sister.

Here's another Rosemary related anecdote:

Not too long ago, I came across this recipe for watermelon water with rosemary. I made this refreshing drink during the first full moon of the month of August. I was actually thinking about my ex as I made it, I wanted him to come back and see me.

I like to have a small celebration during every Esbat. It's a very simple gathering, usually just another friend and myself.  We drink a glass of wine in honor of Goddess, play music and relax. It's a nice time to have a one-on-one with Goddess. Sometimes I cast petitons, others we just eat and drink. We like to take in the beauty of the moon along with Goddess's blessings.

During the first Full Moon of August my friend came over for a small celebration. We had dinner and sat outside with offerings for Goddess. We listened to music and talked about what we wanted to manifest in our lives. We drank the watermelon & rosemary water as we enjoyed the wonderful full moon. I remember 'he' was on my mind, I actually had a heart-to-heart with Goddess about my feelings for this guy. I wondered if there was anything worth saving between us, if his intentions were honorable, if we were meant to be...

Anyway, the next day, I decided to make a floor wash to cleanse the house and bring in loving energy, and of course I decided to use rosemary. As I mopped the house and asked to rid it of negativity and fill it with love, 'he' crossed my mind and I got lost daydreaming about his return. That Friday, 'he' calls me and tells me he's coming to see me for the weekend. :) :p

I feel Rosemary played an important role for me during the entire month of August. 'He' actually made up for the fact that he sort of ruined my birthday the previous week. I don't know if we are meant to be, or if our paths are just crossing once more for the time being; what I do know is that I trust Goddess's guidance. He's in my life now, my feelings for him are still very present. I'm not rushing into anything because we are both going through some changes, all I can do is enjoy the now.

Here's some magickal attributes of Rosemary, from Scott Cunninghams Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs.

Name: Rosemary (Rosemarinus officinalis)
Folk Names: Compass Weed, Dew of the Sea, Elf Leaf, Guardrobe, Incensier, Libanotis (Greek), Polar Plant, Sea Dew
Gender: Masculine
Planet: Sun
Element: Fire
Powers: Protection, Love, Lust, Mental Powers, Exorcism, Purification, Healing, Sleep, Youth
Magical Uses: Rosemary, when burned, emits powerful cleansing and purifying vibrations, and so is smouldered to rid a place of negativity, especially prior to performing magic. It is one of the oldest incenses.
    When placed beneath the pillow rosemary ensures a good sleep and drives away nightmares. Laid under the bed it protects the sleeper from all harm. Rosemary is also hung on the porch and doorposts to keep thieves from the house and is carried to remain healthy. Placed in the bath it purifies.
    A chaplet of rosemary, worn, aids the memory, while the wood, smelled often, preserves youthfulness. To ensure the latter add a rosemary infusion to the bath water.
    Rosemary has long been used in love and lust incenses and other mixtures, and healing poppets are stuffed with rosemary to take advantage of its curative vibrations. Rosemary infusion is used to wash the hands before healing work, and the leaves mixed with Juniper berries are burned in sickrooms to promote healing.
    If you wish to receive knowledge or the answer to a question, burn rosemary on charcoal and smell its smoke. Rosemary is also grown to attract elves, and the powdered leaves wrapped in linen cloth and bound to the right arm dispel depression and make the emotions light and merry.
    Rosemary is generally used as a substitute for frankincense.

Coincidences, Connecting the Dots & Be Careful What You Wish For... (PBP wk 5)

 

Sunday, August 12, 2012 (1am)

Coincidences are manifestations of magik.  My first few experiences were a bit baffling. Small things would happen like, I'd be thinking about glass bottles for each corner and next thing you know, I find a pack of 4 glass bottles with the colors of each element. Or I'd think about something I needed and the following week, my sister sends me most of the things I had on my list.

There was a very specific "coincidence" around Halloween last year. I was working on my Dia De los Muertos altar, and I needed a dog statue to guard the first level. Around that time I was doing a bit of research on my family's history & roots. I discovered some interesting things about my grandfather and the ancestors; apparently, magik runs in the family.

My cousin and I came across some information about my grandfather's side of the family, there's some sort of code of arms that represents the family. It depicts a green field with a red ribbon across, it has a tree and there's a dog chained to that tree. The dog is described as a dog similar to a grey hound. It didn't surprise me since my cousin and I had already come up with the conclusion that for our family, dogs are our main familiars. 

So after learning this information and realizing that I needed a dog statue for my altar, I had this sort of mental image of the siloute of a sitting dog. It was so quick and specific. I never thought I would actually find anything near as close to what I'd pictured.
I was looking for "a" dog statue, any statue, and decided to check out the local Ross. Imagine my surprise when I'm walking down the aisle and I see this!!! I raced to the statue almost as if it would disappear at any moment. I couldn't believe it. IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I'D PICTURED!!! I was beyond myself, I could not believe that I'd found this dog, one that looks sooo much like a grey hound, like the dog described for my ancestor's code of arms. I mean, what are the odds? This image crossed my mind for less than a second, literally. Then on another random day I decide to go to Ross and I find it! It blew my mind!!! This dog now guards the entrance to my room. I keep him there to protect my sacred space.

Here's another fun fact, my dog at the time, Buddy, well, he sorta looks like this dog; except his coat was all over the place. My sister's girlfriend would clip his hair in a way, where she'd leave a strip of hair running along his spine. We used to call him Buddy the dragon. 

My Baby Buddy.  RIP.

Oh how I miss my Buddy. I was so depressed when I lost him, I didn't really think I would ever love a dog as much as I'd loved him. I lost him so suddenly, it was all so unexpected; it took me some time to process it. I remember my sister saying over and over "Buddy's dead, he's dead. He's gone." She must've said it like 20 times. It simply wasn't sinking in. I'd gone out of town for the weekend, and when I got back, I was met at the door with the awful news.

I remember sitting outside under a tree a few weeks later, crying my eyes out, asking the Universe why I'd lost him. I was in so much pain. I've had so many losses in my life, enduring this last one was proving to be a challenge. Buddy had been with me through everything, when I was at my lowest, when I had absolutely no one I could call for support.



Bumble Bee looking insect. Doodle by me.

I was trying to be strong, trying not to fall back into depression (for my mother's sake anyway). I remember I sat there, crying with such pain, asking Goddess, mother nature for peace. Then all of the sudden, this oversized bumble bee looking thing came out of nowhere from around the corner. I was in the middle of some pretty intense ugly crying when this thing flew over to me, landed on my lap and walked a few steps, ending with that my crying. I was so at awe, that my tears ceased almost immediately. I'd never seen anything like it, it stayed with me for only a few seconds, then it flew away. It felt almost as if this lovely insect had made its way to me to give me a message "Stop your crying, everything will be ok." (To this day, I have no clue of what that's called, if anyone has any idea I would appreciate the intell.)

About a two months later, a friend called me offering a pup. This happened in September, 3 months to the day after my Budddy had passed, literally, on the same day. I wasn't at all sure I even wanted another dog, I didn't think I could bear another loss.

My Baby Buddy as a pup.

During that time, I was having contact with Buddy. He actually came to visit on my birthday, yea, sounds insane, but it's true. He passed in June, and by July his spirit was already back in my life.

Up until then, I hadn't really had any experiences with spirits, it took my sister a first hand experience to believe that Buddy was still visiting. He'd actually visit through our other dogs. The first time this happend was on my actual birthday, I noticed our other dog was acting peculiar, his actions reminded me of Buddy so much. I remember thinking, "wouldn't it be funny if that was Buddy right now? wish he would do something to let me know he's here." The second I finished with my thought Dezi starts to whine like Buddy, he poses like Buddy, and behaves in such a way that I have no doubt it's Buddy.

I hugged him and cried and apologized over and over for not taking care of him as I should've. When I told my sister, she looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. The following full moon she told me that Buddy had visited her too. She couldn't believe it herself, she told me that he'd come to her through her boyfriends dog, an old female that out of the blue began to act like a pup. Knowing that Buddy was still around gave me some type of comfort. By the time September rolled around, I was happily comfortable with the notion that he would stay with me.



Luna as a pup.

When my friend offered the pup, I hesitated. I didn't want to replace Buddy. My friend sent me this picture and I immediately knew I wanted her. This puppy looked EXACTLY like Buddy did as a pup, she's a female, so it wouldn't be like I was replacing Buddy. I remember talking to him, asking if he was okay with him. I wasn't at all sure so I left it up to fate. As it turned out, my friend gave the pup away since it took me too long to decide. I felt at peace, I thought "well, that's ok, she's not meant for me. I really want her, but if she's not meant for me, at least let her have a good loving home." My friend tried to persuade the family to give her back, but they'd made up their mind. They said they would take her for a week to see if she was a match for their family. The week passed and the following weekend my friend calls me to let me know they can't handle her because she's too energetic. This is how I came to have Luna.



Luna now, a year old.

When my other sister met Luna, she immediately said, "What if that's Buddy reincarnate?" Of course I didn't want to believe that, this new pup was NOTHING like Buddy. She was such a troublemaker, destroying everything that came across her. As the months passed and she grew, I began to see such a resemblance that I also began to feel that this could possibly be Buddy. When I took her to the vet, he confirmed that she'd been born in July, which is a month after Buddy had died. Luna also has this darker stripe on her coat that runs along her spine, aaand her coat looks JUST like our rothweiler's. I mean, can you say coincidence? It was almost as if he came back in such a way that it would be hard to miss.

I feel that that bumble bee looking thing was giving me a message that I'd soon have my Buddy back with me. I now have Luna, and even though I miss Buddy on a daily basis I am thankful for having her in my life. She reminds me of him so much, so in a way, whether she is him or not, she's keeping his memory alive. I am thankful. 

There was a long list of "coincidences" before I realized how magickal the world really is. I'm amazed each and every day. Anytime I realize that something has manifested after I've thought about it, I give thanks to the Universe for hearing my call. I might not conciously set out to make these things manifest, but I'm glad someone out there is listening.

Thoughts manifest even when we aren't specifically working with intent. Like for instance, on Friday, my family was coming in from out of town and I was busy cleaning the house. I kept thinking, "I hope they take longer, I hope they don't arrive any time soon. I just need to finish the floors, just let me finish the floors." Well, they were suppose to arrive by 6pm, and they didn't get here until almost 7pm. My aunt told me they would've been here sooner if they hadn't gotten stuck in a thunderstorm. My uncle described the winds as 60mph. They had to slow way down to avoid getting in an accident. Coincidence?

"Be careful what you wish for" definitely comes to mind. There was just SO much to do, I just kept thinking "Let them take longer, arrive safely, just take longer." They showed up an hour later, giving me plenty of time to finish every chore.

Still, hearing they were delayed by a thunderstorm with 60mph winds is very alarming. :/

I need to be careful with my thoughts.

I read somewhere that there is no such thing as a coincidence.  We attract these events with the Law of Attraction. I wonder if every coincidence has to do with un-aware magik we send out into the Universe?