Sunday, February 23, 2014

...Reality Blues. The Emotional Aftermath.

Damn me again.

What am I doing?

My heart chakra feels extremely overwhelmed. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I know I'm extra sensitive because of my period, but I also know and admit this goes deeper. Fuck.

I honestly don't understand why I behave the way I do… its like, I forget about dignity, about his behavior, the way I feel afterwards, when he's still not around. :/

I told myself that I wouldn't reach out, that I would let it go…. Only to compromise with my ego and my heart by wanting to contact him one last time. He was invited to the same party but I wasn't really expecting him to go to the club, although part of me felt he would. That part of me fantasized about a night of fun filled situations where he'd come to me because he simply couldn't stay away. Others where he'd come to my rescue like a knight in shining armor ready to defend my honor. I'm silly, I know.

Thing is, my fantasies all happened. He couldn't stay away, he saved me a couple of times, was sweet and protective, also possessive and playful. That’s the thing, when I'm around him, everything seems fine, fun, exciting. I forget about his dickish behavior and get lost in the moment.

He knows this well enough. He also knows how I feel about him, and knows my weaknesses and my sweet spots. He knows my body and knows my body remembers his touch only too well.

Fuck. Me.

I have feelings for him. He just wants my body… or at least that’s how it feels. He'll always want me, he'll always crave me. But this isn't enough to make him want to stick around.

Shit. Admitting this is definitely hurting.

Why do I feel this way? Shouldn't I have snapped out of it by now? He's sooo short, and chubby, AND HAIRY! dorky, and such a Dick!! I feel like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she realizes she has feelings for Charlie. He's short, bald, and hairy. lol
Oh gosh, I got it bad. Thinking about his stupid laugh puts a smile on my face. When I first met him it was soooo annoying! Now, when I think about it, it makes me laugh or at the very least smile.

We had such a good time last night, everything was perfect. He was perfect, right until we both fell asleep.

He made love to me with such passion and intensity, kissed me the entire time, whispered sweet little nothings… I'm getting lost in my reminiscent moment. He even held me most of the night… it was almost perfect.

Right around dawn he reverted back to Dick behavior.

The morning felt like it was just a selfish fuck. I'm not saying I didn't want it, because I'm admitting that my body language was asking for more… he though I was asleep and said, "Sele, wake up." followed by him pressing against me as I'm faced down. He only lasted as long as it took him to cum. It was still really good, and I was really close but didn't get to finish. He had reverted to full Dick mode by this point.

We both went to sleep after this. When we woke up a couple of hours later, the energy he was giving off was a bit more distant. The ride home was playful, light and fun. I can't seem to hold a grudge with this guy.  Can't remember to forget you is definitely the theme song of this relationship.

When I'm around him, I'm happy and careless. I was enjoying the last few moments with him… I feel like such a junkie.

A junkie. :SIGH: What a description.

I'm honestly trying to figure out why it is that I feel so strongly about this guy. Its frustratingly annoying. I know that these were choices I made, and therefore I should face the consequences they bring. I just feel I can't think clearly when I'm near him, my body wants him, my heart wants to be near him, I crave his presence.