Quitting - My Quest To End Bad Habits (PBP wk 34)

I've been posting about my many negative habits and my current attempt to turn things around. I feel that I'm making slow progress though. Ideally, I'd have my shit together by now, but for some reason I'm finding it hard to get motivated enough to make permanent changes.

I guess I shouldn't be so negative about my progress. I have made some major changes, I'm just not where I envisioned myself.

I decided to blog about "quitting" for this week because I'm obviously having issues quitting certain things in my life.

"I wish I could quit you."

As of lately, "he" (my guy) has been my addiction. A bad one at that. He flips my world upside down every time; yet, I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him. Is that so wrong of me? Am I damaging my self and my practice by allowing him back in my life? I can't help but think of that line from Brokeback Mountain, "I wish I could quit you."

I know that I am strong. I've been through hell and back, and I've never felt more in control of my life as I do now; this is all thanks to "The Path." As long as I keep grounded and realistic about my expectations with him I feel I'm fine. However, there are those times when my feelings simply override my logic. When this happens, my energy drops and I'm a typical girl with guy issues. How lame is that?

I can't help but think about that time I read Marina's cards and well, her recent divorce came up. I asked her how she was doing, and her whole aura shifted. I could feel her energy lower, her sudden emotional change. At that moment, I thought "wow, we're all the same; even this strong powerful witch priestess suffers from heartache." :sigh: Love can either make you or break you.

How do experienced witches deal with these things? I'm curious to know how others handle these situations. I've tried not loving this guy, I know that he's not ideal for me... somehow, and in spite of my logic, I've yet to remove him completely from my heart. Even if he wasn't back in my life I'd still love him. You can't chose who you love, you love because the heart loves. It gives without question or reason.

Even if we aren't meant to be, he will always have a special place in my heart. That's the thing about Leo's, we give unconditionally.

One thing I need to make clear, just because I have feelings for this guy and I allow myself to get lost in the moment with him, doesn't mean that I'm a doormat. I stand my ground when it counts. I have to, otherwise he'd take control; and as a Leo, I need to be in control. We're currently in a long distance relationship, which of course, is NEVER a good idea. His job keeps him working almost every day of the week, but whenever he has weekends off he comes to see me. This is about every two weeks or so. Which works for me, I miss him, but I can't deal with having him every day. It'd never get anything done. We spend too much time in bed; sex and sleep takes over both of us when we're together.

My major issues come with living in the moment and completely neglecting my duties. I don't drink as much as I did in college. I used to enjoy the party scene way too much back in the day. As the years passed I lost interest; I tend to revert to my party girl days whenever friends come into town, but even then I don't get drunk as I used to. I do enjoy it from time to time though, once I get in party-mode, I want to go all night. It just happens that whenever "he" comes to visit, I tend to drink a bit. We like to play beer pong with friends, and most of the time end up going to bed late and waking up even later. I drink too much, sleep too much and end up taking over 2 days to recuperate after he's gone. So, this behavior is only acceptable every once in a while... actually, it isn't really acceptable, but it sure is fun.

Aside from my addiction to spending time in and out of bed with "him," I really need to get a grip on my eating habits. I've failed miserably at keeping up with a healthy diet. For some reason, I've completely thrown caution to the wind for the past month. Fast food and lack of exercise is definitely having a negative effect on my appearance. I need to regain control.

I'm actually looking forward to having my sister and her girl friend move in with us. They are seriously healthy eaters; my sister in law has lost soo much weight in past few months. It will definitely help out to eat healthy and work out as a family unit. There are so many changes currently under progress at the moment that it's a bit harder to commit to a routine. I feel that once everyone is settled things will definitely change for everyone.

My goal is to make them all good ones.

What do I plan to do? Well, for starters, I will work out more and eat better. Yoga in the morning always helps me start off my day on a good note. Zumba in the afternoon keeps my energy high.
I really want to incorporate jogging, but I'm so out of shape that this activity definitely proves to be a challenge. I can dance for hours, do yoga for over an hour, but jogging kicks my ass.

Eating healthier will have to wait until we're all settled. At the moment, we are going through the moving process and until we finish and settle down it will be hard to stick to healthy eating. I'm trying to keep my calorie intake to a minimum to balance out what I'm not consuming. One high calorie meal a day, and the rest is healthy snacks and lots of salads.

I keep wanting to buckle down and catch up with the Pagan Blog Project, but of course, life gets in the way. I have so many drafts that I've yet to finish and post. So, I am making a commitment to myself to finish and post at least 3 entries a day. Otherwise the project will end and I will be left behind, and I really want to finish this project with everyone else. I'm enjoying it so much, but obviously not making it a priority. This will change.

The Sunshine Award ^_^

I've been nominated for the Sunshine Award by A Year and Day Wicca. ^_^

I'm honored! Thank you so much for the nomination! :P

Here are the rules:
1. If you are nominated, you must blog a post linking back to the person/blog that nominated you.
2. You must answer some questions, nominate ten fellow bloggers and link their blogs to the post!
3. You should comment on your nominees’ blogs to let them know you’ve nominated them.



The Questions:

1. Who is your favourite philosopher?
Friedrich Nietzsche

2. What is your favourite number?
I'd have to say, the number 3. :)

3. What is your favourite animal?
Dogs of course :) my favorite familiars.

4. What are your Facebook and Twitter URLs?
I think my blog is enough

5. What is your favourite time of day?
Twilight hehe I'm a night owl.

6. What was your favourite vacation?
Mazatlan Mexico ^_^ Beautiful Beaches!

7. What is your favourite physical activity?
Yoga and Zumba!!!

8. Favourite non-alcoholic drink?
Lemonade

9. What is your favourite flower?
Sunflowers ^_^

10. What is your passion?
Hmmm...
I have a passion for books & literature.
Love.
Family & Friends.
and of course, The Craft... My Path.


And here are the nominated Bloggers:

Lacee - Pagan Ways... Pagan Days
Ramblings of a Witchy Bookworm
The Faery Enchantress
Crafty Sandi
Confessions of a Modern Witch
Lazy Witch
Book Of Mirrors
Wicked Musings of a Witch
Mom's a Witch
Samhain Moon

My Quest for Balance: Questioning My Motives (PBP wk 33)

Finding the balance between the mundane and the magickal is definitely proving to be a bit of a challenge. I'm not only having trouble finding a healthy balance in everyday life, but also on a personal level.

I wrote before about the recent changes in my life; starting with my family's sudden move, to embarking in a new business, and the most recent change: the ex -who's definitely confusing me now that he's back in my life.

I guess that I've been waiting for these changes for so long that I didn't really prepare for the actual manifestation. I'm a bit overwhelmed actually. The most stressful aspect is the fact that the ex is back; I hate to sound like such a girl, but this guy is my kryptonite. I've been in love with him for over two years... Yeah, I know, can you say, MOVE THE F ON? Ha-ha

I've fantasized about how it would be to have him back in my life for so long... but they were just fantasies; I didn't really expect them to manifest. I'd daydream about how it would be to have him back in my life. These day dreams were so vivid that I might've accidentally brought him to me. Every single thing I've imagined happening, has actually happened. Coincidence?

I know that a lot of pagans and witches in the community look down on love spells; I've listened-in to enough podcasts to be aware of the consequences love spells bring into the picture.

Is a vivid imagination considered spell casting?

The phrase, "be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

Long distance relationships are never a good idea; he's been showing up every two weeks (which is actually ideal), but after spending time with him I get lost in romantic notions...

It's a bit annoying actually. I'd finally gotten to the point where I was happily living; he'd cross my mind every now and then but it was healthy. I was back to my normal self, I was focused in my craft, I was stress free and happy; thinking of him had gotten easier. The song 'A little bit stronger' by Sara Evans comes to mind as I'm typing this.

I'm such a contradiction; I know he's bad for me, yet I can't banish him from my life.
Or well, I could, but I don't want to.

Whenever I go to Marina for a reading he always comes up, apparently we've maintained some sort of psychic/mental connection this whole time.

I found it interesting whenever he'd pop into my head at random moments without a trigger. (Usually something would trigger a memory of us; something specific would remind me of him, and I'd allow myself to enjoy the memory.) For a while though, he'd hardly cross my mind; these triggered memories would happen sporadically, which was a sign I was healing... Or so I thought.
It was around late April or early June when I realized that he'd randomly pop into my head without any triggers. This was a tad confusing at the moment. I was doing so great without him, then all of the sudden I'd be watching a movie that had NOTHING to do with love or relationships and memories of us would take over, like, very specific detailed memories. I didn't understand where this was all coming from, until of course, Marina pointed it out. It made sense, whenever he'd think of me I'd have these random but very specific memories... we call each other with our minds it seemed. 

I even think I did some astral travel without really trying. I remember a very specific yet blurry dream with him. Usually my experiences with travel have been blurry, I only get a sense of what I'm doing or who I'm with. I'm not even sure it's considered travel.

During this one dream, everything else was blurry except for him. We were in a room, and he was sleeping. I was just laying on his bed watching him sleep. Then something woke me, I was annoyed and upset because I'd been disturbed from such a good dream. I had this strange feeling my dream was more than just a dream though.
Usually when I'm dreaming and wake up half way I can usually go back into my dream; I like to finish the quests I take in dream land. I'm curious and I like the adventures my dreams provide. Also, my dreams are very clear and vivid, so I think I can differentiate between a regular dreams and a traveling dream. (Then again, I'm not an astral travel expert, so I could be wrong.)

Well, during this specific dream, I realized it was about him, so of course I had to go back. I went back into my dream, same room, same bed, only he was no longer there, he'd gone to the restroom.
Usually, I have full control of my dreams, so I can make things happen. In this dream I had absolutely no control. I could see him in the restroom but could not interact. This was around 5am, which is the time he usually gets up for work. So who knows, I might've traveled or maybe it was just a dream.

I remember on a different occasion he came into one of my dreams, this was after my dog had died; he was comforting me, which actually helped me a lot during that time. During another dream, he even tried to help me figure out how to work my car's stereo. Random, I know.

I have to admit that I sorta saw him coming back into my life...
I was doing a personal reading with my oracle deck and when I asked about him, the oracle showed me he missed me, and would be coming back into my life, the oracle adviced me to not lose hope. At the time, I didn't understand why I'd get a message to not lose hope when he was no longer available. It felt a bit cruel.
A few weeks later, he's contacting me & drives to see me on impulse.
It's been quite a ride since then.

I've realized that he takes way too much of my energy. I neglect obligations when he visits, drink way too much and spend the following week trying to recouperate, emotionally and physically.

He was supposed to visit today actually, but since I definitely do not have the energy for the aftermath week, I simply asked for him to work all weekend. He called me earlier to let me know he can't make it. Hehe =P

Part of me misses him and wants him here, but I know better. I have so much on my plate right now, spending time with him in oblivion will definitely not help my case.

I need to focus & get back on track before I can even consider anything more than what we're currently doing. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and even though I desperately want him in my life I simply can not allow myself to lose focus. He's too distracting, he takes too much of my energy. I'm even annoyed that I'm writing about him here! haha But alas, this is what's currently happening in my life, and so I should address it accordingly.

In my quest for balance, I need to question my motives and actions...

Learning to Persevere (PBP wk 32)

I have completely fallen off the sanity wagon.

The last post I remember working on was about love during the "L" weeks. (By the way, I just realized it was week 23 and this is week 32! Interesting coincidence.)

That was sooo long ago.

I remember I didn't even finish the post when my ex made his way back into my life...

It all happened so suddenly; one week I'm writing a draft about what it means to love someone that's no longer there, and the following week he's contacting me. He shows up out of nowhere and turns my world completely around. I tried to keep up with the blog but apparently not hard enough. It's not like I gave up on the path completely, I simply lost focus.

I took a detour and ended in oblivion...

I'm so disappointed in myself.

I forget everything around him.. that's never good. He clouds my vision. This is obviously not a good sign. :sigh:

I have to learn to deal with these feelings. I've realized these past two months that they block my personal growth. Marina mentioned this during my last reading, she said my energy was low.

The heart wants what the heart wants and no amount of logic will defer it from loving...

That doesn't mean that I need to become a blinded idiot. I simply can not allow myself to get so lost again.

Mercury's retrograde is over, any confusing aspect of it is wearing off and with that, my focus is back on track. I'm seriously annoyed at myself for allowing myself to get SO out of control.

I've doubled the amount of work I have to do, I'm dealing with unresolved feelings, neglecting other aspects of my life, and giving away my power.

It's time to get back on track!!!

I Will Persevere.

There is definitely an energy shift in my life. There are so many blessings currently manifesting.

The changes that are coming are leading my family and loved ones into a prosperous future.

I'm excited!!!

I need to regain focus in every aspect of my life. As long as I keep sight of my ultimate goals I will stay on track.

I will persevere, no matter the obstacles I might encounter I WILL PERSEVERE.

Learning to persevere is learning to persist in any undertaking; maintaining a purpose in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

"I Get Knocked Down" lyrics are playing in my head as type this.

I trust in the Universe, I believe that the answers to the questions I seek will come to me at the right moment in time.

I just need to have patience, I need to keep focus of what I want to accomplish.

I WILL PERSEVERE.

“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” –T.S. Eliot Poet

“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” –Robert G. Ingersoll, Poet

“We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough.” –Helen Keller

“The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.”–Abraham Lincoln

“True courage is like a kite; a contrary wind raises it higher.” –John Petit-Senn, French Poet

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. In this life we get nothing save by effort.” –Theodore Roosevelt

“The Difficult is that which can be done immediately; the Impossible that which takes a little longer.” –George Santayana, American philosopher and poet

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” –Japanese Proverb

“The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.”–Author Unknown

“Saints are sinners who kept on going.”–Robert Louis Stevenson

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” –Buddhist Saying

Patience is a Virtue (PBP wk 31)

September 12, 2012

Patience is defined by:
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

Patience is one of the keys to living and walking in this path; it's necessary when casting spells, and waiting for results, during meditation, and most importantly when dealing with pesky and annoying people.

The saying, "Patience is a Virtue" is one I constantly chant as my personal mantra when dealing with unwanted situations. In all honesty, I used to be a lot more impatient; however, since I began this path I've found myself with a new found sense of tolerance, self control, and calmness. This might be because I'm more in touch with my emotions, I feel more centered, more secure, a lot more stable. This helps when I find myself in situations where I'm highly annoyed, or when I'm close to running out of patience. I'll admit, I've been close to magically spanking a few disrespectful, condescending, ignorant fools.

It's hard to not use magick when in these type of situations. I've been close to casting curses at individuals that simply deserve a good smacking. I mean, as it is, when in this path, one must be careful with the thoughts that cross our minds. As our abilities develop, we find that things happen even when we're not entirely set out on an actual manifestation. On multiple occasions I've had thoughts manifest, and that's without casting a spell. Therefore, it's important to keep our minds centered.

Patience is a virtue that needs practice.

 

When casting spells, we sometimes tend to expect immediate results. Patience teaches us to wait. The Law of Attraction states that "Anything we need comes to us at the perfect time," like attracts like, if our intention is clear and we trust and have faith, it will come; we just need to have patience and wait for our desires to manifest. If we constantly second guess ourselves after casting a spell, we pull away energy from our desires, yo-yo-ing with the intention we've set out into the Universe.

As of lately, I've struggled with keeping my patience. I have this idea of how I want my life to be, and I know that things are changing for the best, I just wish I could fast forward through all the mess and get to my destination; but of course, this isn't how life works. I'd be missing out on the important lessons life has for me if I were to skip it all. I'm struggling to keep up with my resolutions, with my living situation, and this long distance relationship.

"Patience is a virtue."

I did a reading for myself just last night. I'd been thinking about Temperance for this post; Temperance showed up as the base for my anchor, and also in my main spread. When this happens, the cards are telling you to pay extra attention to this energy.

Temperance is about moderation, when it appears in a reading we are being cautioned to have patience and wait calmly. We must learn to compromise in order to find satisfactory solutions. It helps to keep our emotions balanced, this card represents integrating opposite forces successfully and with harmony. 

My reading actually had a desirable outcome; it showed me that things are happening as they should, change is imminent and necessary. I just need to ride it out. Success is in my future, I just need to focus on keeping myself balanced.

The Key to Keeping up with the Path... (PBP wk 21)

May 23, 2012

For this weeks post I decided to write about the difficulties that come with keeping up with The Path.
I guess, I shouldn't say "difficulties" because its not so much difficult as it is a bit overwhelming. I wish I had the time and dedication to tackle more lessons everyday but unfortunately I lack the time management skills and energy at times.
I'm currently studying The Inner Temple of Witchcraft, reading books about herbalism & herb magick, learning to read the Tarot intuitively with Rowan's "Within the Cards" and of course, my new oracle deck --my latest addition to my divination tools. It doesn't sound all that overwhelming, but when you combine that with starting two new businesses, it can be.
The thing is, that as much as I want to fully focus on the path and furthering my knowledge and abilities with proper study, I'm finding it a bit difficult to tackle everything I have on my plate.
I'm not concerned about my spirituality, I practice it daily. I honor God, Goddess & Divinity with my daily practice. In the end that's what matters, right? Building the connection with Divinity, the ancestors, the spirit world.
As an eclectic and solitary, I get to decide where I focus my studies and what to do with what I learn. I have a handful of books that are the building blocks of my craft. There is so much to learn and so much to practice but not enough time or energy to do it all.
I'm guided by my intuition, and usually discover later that what I've done is right along the lines of what I was supposed to do anyway. It's certainly reassuring, however, I know that my casting would improve with the mastery of my foundation.
I guess that as of lately, my energy levels have been fluctuating. This is mainly due to my change in eating habits, I've incorparated fasting as part of my daily living. I'm experimenting with the fast-on, fast-off method. I'll fast for 1-3 days, drinking herbal teas from my garden, organic smoothies, and as much water as possible.
Fasting has many benefits; aside from weight control & spiritual clarity, fasting is the best gift you can give your body. You're giving your body a break from processing food, and in turn, your body has the energy to focus on regenerating itself. The first 48 hours are cleansing and detox, by the third day your body tackles those areas that need help healing.
I want to treat my body like the temple that it is. I've mistreated it long enough and unfortunetly I'm paying for the damages. I feel that once I get used to the new healthy diet it will be easier to keep my weight under control. I want to, with time, be able to fast for at least 10 days at a time. Of course I need patience and perseverance in order to reach my goal.
I'm also a lover of Yoga, I absolutely love Namaste Yoga. The sequences flow effortlessly while at the same time they're streneous enough to count as a light workout. Yoga helps me regulate my breathing which in turn helps during meditation, and it keeps my body active and full of energy while I'm fasting.
The key to keeping up with this magickal path is finding the balance between mind, body & spirit. It's finding the time to practice daily, connecting with Divinity while building a stronger sense of spirituality.
I'm nowhere near perfect, but I'm trying my best while on this path to enlightment. I take it one day at a time focusing on the present, living in today. Being mindful of others while taking care of myself. I accept my mistakes, and make the necessary changes to move forward in a positive way, clearly aware of the lesson I've learned to avoid them in the future.
I love this path and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm happy, mentally and spiritually stronger than I've evr been. I'm fulfilling my dreams one step at a time and its wonderful. I know that it will take time to master all I need to learn, but that's the beauty of The Craft, it's a living religion. It evolves with me, it changes as I learn, it grows with me. Its perfectly beautiful.

My Obsession With Magickal Incense (PBP wk 18)

I remember my first encounter with a large selection of incense. I'd gone to a smoke shop with a few friends and was immediately drawn to the incense section. At the time, I wasn't aware about the magickal properties of incense, I thought it was used to mask the odor of pot. Haha

It wasn't until I was introduced to defensive spells that I learned the difference between magickal incense and regular incense.

I soon found out that incense can be quite overpriced. Pagan/metaphysical/new age stores are hard to find here in Houston. In fact, I would say they are only a handful and quite overpriced. There are more Yerberias/Botanicas due to the large Latin / Mexican community. But these too are overpriced. I remember buying a pack of sandalwood incense with 20 sticks for 3+ dollars. Not to be cheap, but that can put a dent on your budget.

I've been lucky enough to find deals where I least expect it. I bought close to the entire supply of incense from Big Lots. They were selling these made in India hand rolled packs of 20 sticks for $2 AND it included beautiful hand made incense holders.

I've seen those sold online anywhere from 4 to 6 each! I got a handmade incense holder + the actual incense for only $2. 
The only scents they had available were jasmine, musk, patchouli, and rose; which are a pretty good basis to start off an incense collection, they're packed with multiple magickal properties that range from love, protection, & money (among others).

I stocked up on incense + incense holders --they actually make great gifts / decoration! I have them hanging on my windows, the little mirrors encrusted in the design are perfect to reflect energy. The shapes are also meaningful. These incense holders come in the shape of a heart, square, diamond and hexagon. I've dressed them with different oils depending on the shape and intention. I absolutely love them!

I have to say that my collection of incense has grown since then. I have a small treasure chest full of stick, cone, powder, and home made incense. ^_^

I bought a couple of home made incense from Rowan Pendragon; and let me just say, they're worth the price. One of my favorites is her Tarot incense, its so inspiring. The scent relaxes you while helping you focus. The scent makes me happy.
I wish I could figure out a way to burn it more often. It needs self igniting charcoal... and well, it's a bit of a hassle. Plus I don't always sit and study for the duration of the burning charcoal, I hate to be wasteful. Wonder if Rowan can make a  Tarot liquid incense? Wouldn't that be magickal!? ^_^

I really want to try to make my own incense. I have Cunningham's "Incense, oils & Brews" book, but I've yet to try incense making. I mainly use it as a quick reference. I haven't gotten a hold of the essential gums & resins (I have too much on my plate); besides, I have a full treasure chest of incense already.

My mom found a great shop at the traders market. The incense is sold in small packs of 8 sticks at 2 packs a dollar. They're of high quality and the selection is huuuuge. I think I'm in love. She got me sage, rosemary, eucalyptus, clove, sandalwood, myrrh, as well as other blends to honor the Sun, Divine Beauty, harmony & many other more.

What I love about incense (aside from the awesome scents) is its ability to lift one's spirits. It helps you relax and opens up your senses. It prepares you for magickal work. It enhances and empowers the energy vibrations to better support your magick's intent.

You can smoke up an entire room by burning incense and with that cleanse, attune or fill that same room with the energy carried within the smoke.

Burning incense is practiced as a form of honoring of one's ancestors, deities, the 4 corners, God & Goddess, etc. It helps by raising the energy to the one that resonates mostly with your intent --I burn incense as offerings to my ancestors and the energies I work with when I'm crafting or meditating.

I have to admit that if I could, I would buy an entire shop of these wonderful scented sticks! The possibilities are endless =)