Friday, August 24, 2012

Quitting - My Quest To End Bad Habits (PBP wk 34)

I've been posting about my many negative habits and my current attempt to turn things around. I feel that I'm making slow progress though. Ideally, I'd have my shit together by now, but for some reason I'm finding it hard to get motivated enough to make permanent changes.

I guess I shouldn't be so negative about my progress. I have made some major changes, I'm just not where I envisioned myself.

I decided to blog about "quitting" for this week because I'm obviously having issues quitting certain things in my life.

"I wish I could quit you."
As of lately, "he" (my guy) has been my addiction. A bad one at that. He flips my world upside down every time; yet, I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him. Is that so wrong of me? Am I damaging my self and my practice by allowing him back in my life? I can't help but think of that line from Brokeback Mountain, "I wish I could quit you."

I know that I am strong. I've been through hell and back, and I've never felt more in control of my life as I do now; this is all thanks to "The Path." As long as I keep grounded and realistic about my expectations with him I feel I'm fine. However, there are those times when my feelings simply override my logic. When this happens, my energy drops and I'm a typical girl with guy issues. How lame is that?

I can't help but think about that time I read Marina's cards and well, her recent divorce came up. I asked her how she was doing, and her whole aura shifted. I could feel her energy lower, her sudden emotional change. At that moment, I thought "wow, we're all the same; even this strong powerful witch priestess suffers from heartache." :sigh: Love can either make you or break you.

How do experienced witches deal with these things? I'm curious to know how others handle these situations. I've tried not loving this guy, I know that he's not ideal for me... somehow, and in spite of my logic, I've yet to remove him completely from my heart. Even if he wasn't back in my life I'd still love him. You can't chose who you love, you love because the heart loves. It gives without question or reason.

Even if we aren't meant to be, he will always have a special place in my heart. That's the thing about Leo's, we give unconditionally.

One thing I need to make clear, just because I have feelings for this guy and I allow myself to get lost in the moment with him, doesn't mean that I'm a doormat. I stand my ground when it counts. I have to, otherwise he'd take control; and as a Leo, I need to be in control. We're currently in a long distance relationship, which of course, is NEVER a good idea. His job keeps him working almost every day of the week, but whenever he has weekends off he comes to see me. This is about every two weeks or so. Which works for me, I miss him, but I can't deal with having him every day. It'd never get anything done. We spend too much time in bed; sex and sleep takes over both of us when we're together.

My major issues come with living in the moment and completely neglecting my duties. I don't drink as much as I did in college. I used to enjoy the party scene way too much back in the day. As the years passed I lost interest; I tend to revert to my party girl days whenever friends come into town, but even then I don't get drunk as I used to. I do enjoy it from time to time though, once I get in party-mode, I want to go all night. It just happens that whenever "he" comes to visit, I tend to drink a bit. We like to play beer pong with friends, and most of the time end up going to bed late and waking up even later. I drink too much, sleep too much and end up taking over 2 days to recuperate after he's gone. So, this behavior is only acceptable every once in a while... actually, it isn't really acceptable, but it sure is fun.

Aside from my addiction to spending time in and out of bed with "him," I really need to get a grip on my eating habits. I've failed miserably at keeping up with a healthy diet. For some reason, I've completely thrown caution to the wind for the past month. Fast food and lack of exercise is definitely having a negative effect on my appearance. I need to regain control.

I'm actually looking forward to having my sister and her girl friend move in with us. They are seriously healthy eaters; my sister in law has lost soo much weight in past few months. It will definitely help out to eat healthy and work out as a family unit. There are so many changes currently under progress at the moment that it's a bit harder to commit to a routine. I feel that once everyone is settled things will definitely change for everyone.

My goal is to make them all good ones.
What do I plan to do? Well, for starters, I will work out more and eat better. Yoga in the morning always helps me start off my day on a good note. Zumba in the afternoon keeps my energy high.
I really want to incorporate jogging, but I'm so out of shape that this activity definitely proves to be a challenge. I can dance for hours, do yoga for over an hour, but jogging kicks my ass.

Eating healthier will have to wait until we're all settled. At the moment, we are going through the moving process and until we finish and settle down it will be hard to stick to healthy eating. I'm trying to keep my calorie intake to a minimum to balance out what I'm not consuming. One high calorie meal a day, and the rest is healthy snacks and lots of salads.

I keep wanting to buckle down and catch up with the Pagan Blog Project, but of course, life gets in the way. I have so many drafts that I've yet to finish and post. So, I am making a commitment to myself to finish and post at least 3 entries a day. Otherwise the project will end and I will be left behind, and I really want to finish this project with everyone else. I'm enjoying it so much, but obviously not making it a priority. This will change.