Friday, August 17, 2012

My Quest for Balance: Questioning My Motives (PBP wk 33)

Finding the balance between the mundane and the magickal is definitely proving to be a bit of a challenge. I'm not only having trouble finding a healthy balance in everyday life, but also on a personal level.

I wrote before about the recent changes in my life; starting with my family's sudden move, to embarking in a new business, and the most recent change: the ex -who's definitely confusing me now that he's back in my life.

I guess that I've been waiting for these changes for so long that I didn't really prepare for the actual manifestation. I'm a bit overwhelmed actually. The most stressful aspect is the fact that the ex is back; I hate to sound like such a girl, but this guy is my kryptonite. I've been in love with him for over two years... Yeah, I know, can you say, MOVE THE F ON? Ha-ha

I've fantasized about how it would be to have him back in my life for so long... but they were just fantasies; I didn't really expect them to manifest. I'd daydream about how it would be to have him back in my life. These day dreams were so vivid that I might've accidentally brought him to me. Every single thing I've imagined happening, has actually happened. Coincidence?

I know that a lot of pagans and witches in the community look down on love spells; I've listened-in to enough podcasts to be aware of the consequences love spells bring into the picture.

Is a vivid imagination considered spell casting?

The phrase, "be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

Long distance relationships are never a good idea; he's been showing up every two weeks (which is actually ideal), but after spending time with him I get lost in romantic notions...

It's a bit annoying actually. I'd finally gotten to the point where I was happily living; he'd cross my mind every now and then but it was healthy. I was back to my normal self, I was focused in my craft, I was stress free and happy; thinking of him had gotten easier. The song 'A little bit stronger' by Sara Evans comes to mind as I'm typing this.

I'm such a contradiction; I know he's bad for me, yet I can't banish him from my life.
Or well, I could, but I don't want to.

Whenever I go to Marina for a reading he always comes up, apparently we've maintained some sort of psychic/mental connection this whole time.

I found it interesting whenever he'd pop into my head at random moments without a trigger. (Usually something would trigger a memory of us; something specific would remind me of him, and I'd allow myself to enjoy the memory.) For a while though, he'd hardly cross my mind; these triggered memories would happen sporadically, which was a sign I was healing... Or so I thought.
It was around late April or early June when I realized that he'd randomly pop into my head without any triggers. This was a tad confusing at the moment. I was doing so great without him, then all of the sudden I'd be watching a movie that had NOTHING to do with love or relationships and memories of us would take over, like, very specific detailed memories. I didn't understand where this was all coming from, until of course, Marina pointed it out. It made sense, whenever he'd think of me I'd have these random but very specific memories... we call each other with our minds it seemed. 

I even think I did some astral travel without really trying. I remember a very specific yet blurry dream with him. Usually my experiences with travel have been blurry, I only get a sense of what I'm doing or who I'm with. I'm not even sure it's considered travel.

During this one dream, everything else was blurry except for him. We were in a room, and he was sleeping. I was just laying on his bed watching him sleep. Then something woke me, I was annoyed and upset because I'd been disturbed from such a good dream. I had this strange feeling my dream was more than just a dream though.

Usually when I'm dreaming and wake up half way I can usually go back into my dream; I like to finish the quests I take in dream land. I'm curious and I like the adventures my dreams provide. Also, my dreams are very clear and vivid, so I think I can differentiate between a regular dreams and a traveling dream. (Then again, I'm not an astral travel expert, so I could be wrong.)

Well, during this specific dream, I realized it was about him, so of course I had to go back. I went back into my dream, same room, same bed, only he was no longer there, he'd gone to the restroom.
Usually, I have full control of my dreams, so I can make things happen. In this dream I had absolutely no control. I could see him in the restroom but could not interact. This was around 5am, which is the time he usually gets up for work. So who knows, I might've traveled or maybe it was just a dream.

I remember on a different occasion he came into one of my dreams, this was after my dog had died; he was comforting me, which actually helped me a lot during that time. During another dream, he even tried to help me figure out how to work my car's stereo. Random, I know.

I have to admit that I sorta saw him coming back into my life...
I was doing a personal reading with my oracle deck and when I asked about him, the oracle showed me he missed me, and would be coming back into my life, the oracle adviced me to not lose hope. At the time, I didn't understand why I'd get a message to not lose hope when he was no longer available. It felt a bit cruel.

A few weeks later, he's contacting me & drives to see me on impulse.
It's been quite a ride since then.

I've realized that he takes way too much of my energy. I neglect obligations when he visits, drink way too much and spend the following week trying to recouperate, emotionally and physically.

He was supposed to visit today actually, but since I definitely do not have the energy for the aftermath week, I simply asked for him to work all weekend. He called me earlier to let me know he can't make it. Hehe =P

Part of me misses him and wants him here, but I know better. I have so much on my plate right now, spending time with him in oblivion will definitely not help my case.

I need to focus & get back on track before I can even consider anything more than what we're currently doing. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and even though I desperately want him in my life I simply can not allow myself to lose focus. He's too distracting, he takes too much of my energy. I'm even annoyed that I'm writing about him here! haha But alas, this is what's currently happening in my life, and so I should address it accordingly.

In my quest for balance, I need to question my motives and actions...