Untitled - Self Realizations and Missed Opportunities.

I honestly don't understand what I'm currently going through. Its like, I'm finally closer to having a stable life, closer to feeling ready to embark in the next phase of my life i.e. a relationship, I'm finally becoming who I'm meant to be. I mean, up until this point, I was hindered by many more obstacles and issues, and now, the only hindering issue is my health. Things have been improving drastically, so complaining about things not going my way seems petty in the greater scheme of things. Yet, my feelings matter, and they're very real. I owe them some attention at the very least.

I've been emo for the past week and a half. I know it was partly PMS, but I also know that these feelings were there to begin with, otherwise they wouldn't be reacting to the environment's stimuli.

I was feeling a bit rejected last week, and I couldn't shake that defeated feeling. I understand that sometimes things don't go our way, and this just means that these experiences or the lack there of are meant to teach us a lesson. I know that when I look back at these experiences,  I'll understand the greater scheme of things.. but at the moment, they can really bum me out.

My friends wedding is this Saturday. As of now, I'm on flake mode. My best friends decided they did not want to go, and well, I lost my safety net. I only really cared about my Gordito going, Roomate (my college roommate, I still call her this way) plain out told me she didn't want to go, but didn't want to hurt my feelings at the moment. And Mochila (a high school and college friend) has to work, this one is mainly my fault. There has been some iffy energy between us, or more of a misunderstood energy really, so I didn't contact her until this past weekend, and of course, it's too late and very last minute.

I guess I figured that if I was meant to go, the Universe would give me a very clear sign of how to get there, or would provide me with a form of transportation. Gordo decided he didn't want to go to the middle of nowhere during a surprise party in Austin. He was out of his element and I know he reacted prematurely mainly based on how stressed he felt. I guess I sort of hoped he would change his mind, or that I would finally confess my ailments, so he'd understand why I needed a support system. :sigh:  I still can't tell him. I sorta grazed the subject while having coffee with him during his last Houston visit, but I wasn't brave enough to ask if he had ever noticed my chronic issues.

I know I can trust him, I know this to my core. I know he loves me unconditionally, I just don't know why I'm still unable to simply say it. I want to ask him, seek comfort, just clear up once and for all all of these burning questions. I mean, is it all in my head? I know I need to share this with him... I just need to face it and do it. blurt it out. rip the band-aid.

Anyway, I thought that maybe if I told him, he would understand why I simply can not be in a car with Days and her boyfriend for 5 hours. I thought that maybe he'd support me by being my date to the wedding. But like I said, if I was meant to go, something would happen, and so far, everything that's happening keeps reinforcing this feeling that maybe it's ok to skip it. Like, just today, I found out that Days will be leaving Friday, but she'll stop by her family's along the way. She won't get to Brownsville until Saturday. So, it's not like I can ask to bum a ride. Which was my back up plan.

I feel bad, but even my dreams have been very vivid and full of messages. Last night's was particularly vivid. I mean, I still remember the gist of it. Which usually happens when I'm dealing with heavy/stressful stuff.

So the wedding, still on flake mode. I will call Gordo tomorrow, perhaps he'll talk me into going, or he'll have pity on me and join me.

The wedding is not really a major issue for me; my feelings are. I was feeling rejected by The Architect. He's the first guy that I seem to really like, he's different, and he seemed to like me. I allowed myself to believe that maybe this could be something. And now, that there are so many doors opening up for me, well, I thought I could pursue something meaningful with him.

Even the card reading I got from Jess Carlson was telling me to pursue these experiences. It told me to forgive myself for missed opportunities... which ironically enough, is currently happening.

Which is of course another reason why I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. All of the guys that I'm somewhat interested in are suddenly becoming very unavailable. I mean, it's ironic that now that I'm closer to being stable and ready for something meaningful, all these options are closing.

I found out Raver Leo is moving to San Francisco. Raver Leo is a guy that I've had on my radar for the best part of the last 3 years. We are like star crossed lovers in a way, we keep missing each other. It seems that every time he's in town, I'm not available or in town myself. We seem to be interested in one another, but we simply aren't making it happen. And now, he's moving, and I probably won't get the chance to get to know him anymore. I mean, I'll be in San Antonio at the end of the month, but of course, as luck would have it, he will be in Houston at, drum roll please, another rave / concert.

Sagittarius guy is seeing someone. And she's pretty and short and she has a tight little body. :sigh: this one hurts my ego. He claimed to not want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me. I mean, I know we weren't meant to be, but it still hurts. It stings, and even more so because I liked him SO much. I thought I was over him, and I mean, I am, I'd say, 99.99% over him. The difference is so minute that the news of his new relationship bummed me out for about 60 seconds, then I shrugged it off and said, "oh well." and I meant it.

I'm even upset about Emo A, and it's not like I care. I mean, our relationship is strictly friends with benefits. And I don't like him like that, I know this to my core, yet I still want him to ask me out to hang out. The sex is great, but I think it's time to end that situation. Nothing will come of that and I'm not honoring myself by sleeping with someone I don't see a future with.

I was mostly upset about The Architect, he wasn't making an effort and he pretty much left me hanging with our text convo. I was questioning my actions, our interactions, whether I was coming on too strong, whether I overshared my crazy way too early, there were way too many insecurities.

So I asked him Saturday night, because I'm a Leo and I wanted to see if he was in fact different from most guys, or if he would behave like another dick and make dick moves. I told him that I'd be in San Antonito on the 31st, and wanted to know if it was still ok to contact him since I never heard from him again. He saw the message on facebook and didn't respond immediately, which bummed me out further. I mean, why would the reading advice me to go for it, if he was gonna turn me down?

He responded via facebook on Sunday, and honestly, I had been having a tough day, but as soon as I read his message, my energy shifted. He told me that he hadn't realized he left me hanging, he apologized and told me that it was perfectly fine to contact him to hang out whenever I made it into town. I responded immediately and admitted I was forward but just wanted to make sure he wasn't trying to get me to get the hint, and if he was, I just wanted to be sure. I don't like to pursue someone who's not interested. He didn't respond until Monday night. And his message couldn't have been any more perfect.

He began by apologizing for not responding immediately, he wanted to have time to sit down and focus. (Our text exchanges are more like emails, we convey a lot this way) He told me that he'd gone through a change of heart and feels he's ready to seek an actual relationship. (which sort of works for me, since I didn't want a fling or another friends with benefits situation, although I was willing to give it a try because he's so appealing to me). He apologized for sending me mixed signals, and told me that I was still more than welcome to stick around in S.A. and hang out with him and his friends. He ended the text with clarifying that he wasn't just sending that text to shut me out. (which sort of made me feel like he was, somehow.)

I'll just share it here. I don't want to miss anything. I tend to misinterpret texts or messages from time to time.

The Architect:

Hey Selene! Sorry I've been taking my time getting back to you. I was in Dallas this weekend, and started driving right after messaging you. I should've responded sooner, but I wanted to wait until I could sit down and focus on this. I wanted to let you know that I've been having a change of heart these past few weeks. A while ago, I was able to hook up with someone who I thought was perfect for my situation: sex, no strings, similar kinks, fun... And it just hit me really hard that that's not what I wanted anymore. I don't think I'm capable of casual sex because I want a deeper relationship and getting involved even at the surface level seems to take more from me than it's worth. Of course I waiver all the time and debate about a casual fling, but whenever I get close, it just feels wrong. That's why I've probably been sending you mixed signals lately, and I'm sorry for that. You're still more than welcome to stick around in San Antonito that weekend. We don't have anything on the calendar yet, but I'm sure we will be out doing something fun if you want to see the downtown area. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm not sending this to you to shut you out!

My response:

:)       /        I totally understand. I know the feeling. We tend to have a change of heart after we experience stronger feelings. After we get a taste of intimacy/love, we crave more. More than sex, or immediate satisfaction.     /      Um, honestly, I know I talk sex a lot and we've clearly shared quite a bit of sex talk. And yes, I've fantasized about you a bit.. and even thought I could maybe have something casual. I know I seem a bit forward, but when it comes down to it, I'm not one to sleep around or hook up for the sake of hooking up. So, don't worry. I kinda just wanted to hang out and check out the scene. I'm coming down with my bestie. And since I thought you were pretty cool, I felt it would be fun to hang out and play it by ear.      /     Honestly, how you're feeling is totally normal and a sign of maturity. I remember feeling that way after THE EX. lol I wanted to slut around and get immediate satisfaction but couldn't. Still can't. Even when I think I can, even when I tell myself I will. ... I still don't. lol So no need to explain. What I'm hearing is that you'd like to be friends? And I'm ok with that. :) It'd be fun to hang out. But don't feel obliged. I'm an awesome friend, so if you ever wanna share just for the sake of sharing/girl advice/sex questions or discussions/etc. If not, well, I hope you find what you need. You seem like a great individual, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. :)

The Architect:

Hey thanks for understanding. I'm hoping that I'm growing into a new phase in life and not just going through a phase in a reoccurring cycle. (Just saw your bit on maturing as I was typing this. You might be right!) And yes! Bring your friend, we can show you guys around. You won't be imposing. I agree, I haven't forgotten our talks, and the connection we had through them. I'd be happy to call you a friend. Like I said, I wasn't telling you all this so you'd go away.

My response:

:) I know. But you seem like a sweet guy, and nice guys don't like to hurt girls feelings... Either way, I understand. :) I've been there. I go through the "maybe I should just hook up" phase a few times every month haha Deep down I know that's no longer enough...   /     Anyway, I'll be in town the 31st. Hope we can do something fun ^_^

The Architect:

Yea who knows, maybe I'll be singing a different tune in a month lol. I'm trying to brace myself because I have no clue what this will mean for my sex life moving forward :(  /    I'll keep my eye out. we are usually really bad planners and just do everything spur of the moment, so hopefully you guys don't mind the ride!

My response:

haha we do that ourselves. I think it will be fun to just do spontaneous :)    /    And about your situation... well, just follow your gut.  I know you'll go through different situations that will test your will and carnal needs. And you'll probably hook up again, or maybe you won't...  one thing I do know is that you'll figure it out as you encounter these experiences. They'll either feel good, or they'll feel bad. Red flag the regretful feelings... you learn what not to do from those experiences.

The Architect:

Let's talk more soon because I'm falling asleep ( I can't believe I started typing your text an hour ago). Let me know if you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share, and if not I'll definitely see you soon!

My response:

 :) I have way too many thoughts and feelings lol   I feel you'll be fine though, so don't stress and just do you. The right girl will come around and you'll just know.   Good night.

The Architect:

Night Selene!!

 
It feels like a "sorry, not interested" but then again, and surprisingly enough, it didn't hurt my feelings. He was at least decent enough to let me down like a gentleman. Which gave me a sense of peace and closure.  I mean, what can I do. He's on his journey and at least he's not being a dick about it. I respect that. And honestly, in a way, it takes off the pressure of meeting him at the end of the month. I imagine it will be just a fun drunken night full of laughs and maybe a bit of flirting. But I for see a fun experience either way.

It sort of feels as if every guy situation I had is all of the sudden breaking ties and links. Raving Leo is moving, Sagittarius guy is in a relationship, even the guy who's been in love with me for the last decade has finally moved on. Emo A is a dead end, and The Architect is not interested. C'est la Vie...

I'm not gonna lie, the Sagittarius guy news were the most upsetting, but that might be because I really liked him. I liked how I felt while with him, and even though I knew we weren't meant to work out, I couldn't help but care.

I was starting to feel blue again when I came across this via facebook.

and of course, I was overcome with emotions. Perhaps I'm losing all my choices because they need to be out of the picture before I can start anew. I know I should trust, perhaps this is the way towards growth and positive change. Who knows, maybe the reading Jess gave me was so I'd learn to forgive myself for these missed opportunities. Maybe it was advising me about this situation, the fact that I've missed the window for all these "potential relationships."

 

I write this as "Can't help falling in love" plays in the background. I'm watching The Voice finale and Kristina Grimmie is singing this song, which coincidentally speaks to me in many different levels. The line that stood out, "Like the river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be." Gave me the feeling that perhaps, love should just flow easily and without force.

 

My heart wants, it wants to love freely and fully and it wants to be loved in return. I trust that I'm in a path of abundance and happiness, and I believe these experiences are shaping me into the woman I am meant to be. I only ask for the clarity to see the difference between experiences and the courage to follow my heart.

 

Birthday Blues...

I guess I'm not so much blue as I am a tiny bit numb.

Today's my birthday... today marks yet another year of stagnation.

I've made much progress in my spiritual path, but I haven't made as much progress in my mundane life. I feel the weight of this major truth on my shoulders.

I'd like nothing more than to be successful in my craft. I know that this is the path I must follow, and that at this time, I'm developing my abilities. It is a time to search my inner soul for the guidance from my higher self. Like the Hermit, I must spend this time in seclusion in order to find my way.

I absolutely love this path, I just wish I had a way to make a living doing what I love. I love to help people, and I do this selflessly; making a difference in someone's life, helping them find hope and happiness through their own means is priceless.

I'd hate to be such a petty being at this time, I shouldn't put out negative thoughts out into the Universe. In a way, this isn't really negative, it's just an honest view of my current emotional state. I'd have to say that I'm feeling a bit numb... and a bit lonely.

I'm not celebrating or doing anything special today other than read my books, and clean my magickal room / study and my bedroom. I've got spell-work that I'd like to work on, but as of now, I honestly don't have the energy for it.

Ever since the Chakra Healing session I had with Jess, I've felt rejuvenated and balanced. I am thankful for this.

I can't help but compare myself to how I was last year, dealing with fucking Collin, a liar and a selfish cheat, promising all these things for his own benefit only to crush my dreams right on my fucking birthday. He ruined it. He's the single one person that's hurt me the most and I forgave him time after time... he certainly does not deserve a happy ending..  :sigh: He's had his influence over this month of course, changing plans once more, lying, showing me his true colors... he's such a joke. He'll get what he deserves soon enough...

If it wasn't for this Chakra alignment I would be a mess. Depressed, drowning in self pity.. crying myself to sleep because things haven't turned out as I'd wished them to be, because I'm lonely, because none of my friends are here to celebrate my birthday with me, and because they guy I have feelings for has yet to call me (and I doubt he will.) He's currently online, so it's not like he doesn't know. I even told him how difficult birthdays are for me earlier last week... I wasn't fishing for attention, it came out naturally, something I would share with my closest friends. There's no excuse for him not to call me or even leave me a message on my wall... I mean, facebook reminds you... :Sigh:

Given my track record on how depressing my past birthdays have been, I would've been a mess today, instead, I'm calm, and cool ... a bit emotional and somewhat numb, but not overwhelmed.. if that makes sense.

I'm a bit bummed at the current relationship I have with my sister. For the past month, we've been not speaking. I don't know what's going on with her and I don't have the energy to decipher her actions. I just feel she's selfish and still somewhat immature, causing pain because she's experiencing it and refusing to acknowledge that her selfishness affects others. I mean, she's currently downstairs with her boyfriend... she's invited people over to drink and smoke, and all the while ignoring the fact that I'm here... completely alone. I mean, she wished me a happy birthday over facebook... facebook. This stings. I would honestly much rather have an empty house today so I can be alone with my thoughts than this moronic nonsense they are doing. How sad is this? It's borderline depressing.

I'm overwhelmed by emotions now. The Chakra session closed and aligned my overactive heart chakra but this doesn't keep me from feeling altogether.... well, at least it's not overwhelming. :sigh:

I wish I had someone who cared for me... and I'm not saying that I don't have people that do, because I know I have friends that love me unconditionally. I just mean in the sense of a loving partner. One that would be happy to celebrate my birthday even when I'm not, one who would drag me out of the house and refuse to have me skip out on doing something special... or at the very least, one that will crawl in bed with me and simply cuddle, watch a movie or love me.

.... so much for my numbness. ha-ha.

I don't like to be petty this way. It's unnecessary. I'm sure I sound like an ungrateful child complaining about being all alone on a day that marks my birth and nothing more... I don't like this about myself right now. It's petty of me...

I know how blessed I am, how thankful I am for the people I have in my life, the gifts I've been blessed with in this lifetime... There is much to be happy about... I am alive. I might not have the job I want, the relationship I long for, the love I yearn for... the health I desperately need... but I have loving friendships and caring friends and a family that loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I am very much thankful for this.

I think I will take a cleansing bath and see if it helps lift my spirits.

I just finished watching The House of the Spirits, and got so enthralled by this movie that I cried for a bit during some of the scenes. I'm not completely numb, since I can still relate and feel. I know that if I get into that mindset of thinking and obsessing on the things I'm lacking in my life at this time I will certainly fall into depression. So I choose to get lost in a good book.

I've got a handful of books I'm in the process of reading. La Casa de los Espiritus is one of them. I should've waited and finished the book before watching the movie, but somehow, the movie called my attention.... besides, the movies never meet up to the expectations one has after reading the book.

I have to remember to breathe and have patience. There's a lesson in today that I've yet to see or appreciate.

A nice hot bath and some time alone will certainly do me good. :)  There's so much to do... I'd like to get some progress done before the day ends... but I won't force myself, I need to be gentle with myself.

Perhaps, meditation will clear my mind and center me once more.

Lets see what the rest of the day has waiting for me...

The Moon is in Leo, time for some Lunar Magick (PBP 2013 wk 25)

The Moon is currently on the sign of  Leo until Friday 5 am central time. I like to follow Dr. Loretta Standley's moon void calendar.  Her moon void tables are like no other I've ever seen. She believes that when the moon is in transition it's hard to focus, things sometimes go awry or are misunderstood and the energy is overall a bit chaotic. She compares a moon void with the tedious task of moving to a different residence and the stress we feel when we are going through the process. I agree. I personally HATE moving. I don't like the packing process, and consequently the unpacking and set up. It is one of the most stressful situations one can go through in life. 

I'd originally planned on casting some spells to help me open my psychic senses, but of course life got in the way. I've been wanting to make a pendulum for almost a year, this Wednesday seemed perfect since there was New Moon last Saturday and the moon was in my sign. 

Tuesday and Wednesday had some unexpected plans. Family came to visit from out of town and they decided to stay the night at the last minute. Sooo I was busy with them mostly.

I thought they'd be leaving early Wednesday, which would give me enough time to catch up with my Angel Class, the blog posts, and my spell-work, but of course that also did not happen. Since I had to give up my bed, and sleep on the couch, I was drained and tired for most of the day. I've also got a college paper due Monday and other than research, I've done nothing. 

I feel like I've taken a bigger bite than I can chew, I'm not entirely overwhelmed but I'm falling behind. I work best under pressure, and I know I can get the paper done in no time. Stress actually gives me the kick I need to get it done. The rest, like the blog posts, and my angel class study definitely needs a push. There's so much I want to do but I'm always busy doing things for other people. I need to focus. 

I didn't want to completely miss the energy's moon in my sign, so even though I was tired by the end of the day Thursday, I decided to try a quick meditation and then I'd get on with my magickal to-do list. 

After my Angel meditation I took an uncrossing bath to remove any blocks or negativity I might have been carrying with me. 

As of the last few days, I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I know that I talk about my outbursts of emotions way too much, but it's part of who I am. 

I'm an emotional being, I'm in touch with my feelings and I express them openly. As of lately, love had been on my mind. I feel a bit lonely and somewhat disconnected from the previous links I'd made with this one guy in particular. We have a "flirtationship" that keeps us in the "friend" zone. We care about each other, we, have feelings for each other {or well I know for a fact that he had feelings for me at a certain point,} and we both know that there is something special there. Distance is the obstacle. Our flirtationship got a bit more real for me, and for a while it affected me more than I wanted to admit. Since then, I've maintained some distance in order to avoid feeling neglected. It's worked to a certain extent... 

I don't like feeling this way, and I know that timing is of the essence. This relationship is simply not meant to be, so I should not push it and I should not get overwhelmed by the fact that I feel lonely. I don't like feeling sad, and not having him reciprocate at the level my feelings were resonating hurt. So detachment and distance were necessary. 

Anyway, I attempted the light meditation before I took my cleansing bath. It took me into a dream state that depicted some emotional scenes with family members... I don't believe that it was for more than a few minutes, yet I know I was dreaming.

I was tired and sleepy and all I wanted to do was take a nap, but my naps are never really naps, they last 4-6 hours and sometimes all night.The short dream state lasted for about 20 minutes, or so I think; when I woke up, I felt refreshed and somewhat confused. I didn't even notice I'd fallen asleep, I was meditating and then went into this dream. It all happened so fast, I must have gone into REM sleep pretty quickly since that's the only phase where we have actual vivid dreams. 

I had my cleansing / uncrossing bath, and as I soaked I meditated. 

I worked on the light meditation as directed by Jess, and once again I got a purple / indigo light ... I've yet to figure out which Angel this color is associated with. I kept seeing this light pull me towards the center. It'd start off large and move towards the center. I kept trying to see what it was trying to show me but all I got was that pulling sensation. I then was engulfed by this indigo light; shapes swirled in front of me, but I couldn't make anything specific. I'll try it again today. 

I have a lot of work to get through and not enough motivation, but I definitely wanted to work some magick before the moon went into void again. 

There's a waxing moon in Leo, which means I can continue to attract anything I want to make my life better. 

I managed to tackle every magickal spell I had in mind before the moon left my sign. I worked some prosperity spells, some defensive magick and love/friendship magick. It all felt great! 

I've already discussed the different phases of the moon in a previous Pagan Blog Project post. This post discusses the best time for Lunar spell-work. Timing is the key. 

The Triple Goddess' energy is always present. We can work with her energy according to the many phases it goes through, from waxing to waning, full and new, each moon phase provides you with the energy you need to manifest your desires, it all depends on whether you want to remove things from your life or attract them. 

Everything you need comes to you at the right time. Patience is the key. You believe, you trust and you thank The Goddess for her help and soon enough you'll find the clues that will show you that your spell-work was in fact successful. ^_^

I know that my work will come to fruition, I no longer have doubts. That's the beauty of the this path, you get what you put into it, attract what you put out into the world. It's quite wonderful and the more I learn, the more I fall in love with it. 

Justice, Jera, and my Journey towards Happiness & Prosperity (PBP 2013 wk 20)

For this week's Pagan Blog Project  I decided to talk about Justice, Jera and my current Journey towards Happiness and Prosperity.

I'm actually having some mixed feelings about the meaning of Justice. When I think of Justice I think of Karma, balance, and fairness above all. The RWS tarot deck depicts Lady Justice sitting solemnly on a stone bench while holding a balanced scale on her left hand, and a sword on her right hand. To me, this represents how Lady Justice is always weighing situations, actions, people, etc.. she weights both sides and her verdict is the ultimate Karmic retribution. Her right arm holds the sword which will pardon or punish. Her robes are red and green, which to me, signify passion and growth. You can see her foot peaking out of her red robe which shows her core is pure.

I regularly trust the Universe in it's infinite wisdom... I am genuinely a caring individual. I have a strong set of beliefs that compel me to stand up for those who can not stand up for themselves. I'm a GLBTQ advocate, I'm highly political, and very liberal. In fact, my facebook wall is full of political memes, articles, statistics and facts that pretty much disprove and republican / conservative fear mongering bigotry.

I feel that in this day and age we MUST stand for what we believe in, otherwise we will be taken advantage of by those who have the means.

I'm not a lesbian, but I have many friends in the community as well as a sibling that is one, and I strongly believe that they have just as many rights as any other citizen in this nation. The reality of life is this, you can not impose your religious views / homophobic fears on the rest of society simply because you're not comfortable seeing two people of the same sex kiss / have sex. Love is Love and nothing or no one can limit the amount of love you give or receive.

One of Mahatma Gandhi's famous quote is "Be the change you wish to see in the world." I follow this with all that I am because it resonates with my belief system, it resonates with who I am. I simply can not stay quiet, follow the crowd and only speak up when things affect me. I've tried, it doesn't work. I spend more time and energy trying to keep my views to myself / not standing up for those that are clearly misjudged than if I were to just follow my intuition and speak up.

I could go on and on about all the political injustices that are currently going on with our government, but that would take forever and this isn't a political blog. Besides, my facebook wall is already filled with all these rants.

I feel, that I am a good human being. I have my low moments and I sometimes turn bitchy and angry, but I am not ashamed of this. I am human after all.

I pride myself in being a good friend. I am there for my friends when they need me, they value who I am and respect my guidance and advice. I love that. I love giving what can not be easily bought. It is part of my life's purpose to help others get through difficult situations and low points in their lives.

I guess where I'm going with this is the fact that sometimes, even when we follow the rules, when we give and help others, bad things still happen.

Last Friday, I felt as if the Universe was punishing us. I kept asking myself, "Why would this happen? Why would this happen to my mom?" I didn't understand, I felt that since we were good hard working individuals that it was simply unfair. As a witch, I keep my family protected above all. I honestly couldn't understand why such things would happen when I've been so meticulous about keeping everything together.

My mother called me Friday morning, she was hysterical. I was busy working on some magazine issues for my sister's boyfriends business; and all of the sudden, I get this call with my mom on the other line crying hysterically. She tells me they've broken into the company's car and have taken EVERYTHING she has. She was heading to Austin that same day and had some money that belong to my aunt as well as money she had earned doing some extra jobs. The fuckers that broke into her car got away with $600+ cash, plus about $1200 in credit card purchases.

They ripped us off even though I immediately got on the phone and started the tedious task of cancelling / reporting credit cards stolen.  The whole time I kept asking my guides and angels why something like this would happen when we were so close to being ok.

... and then, for some reason I decide to check a bank that we hardly use; we had some loans out on
one of the accounts and I wanted to make sure no purchases were made with those cards. Imagine my surprise when I speak with the representative and find out that there's $411 dollars in the account we no longer used. Apparently I kept making payments after the loan was fully paid and there was this extra money just hanging out in that account. The representative was kind enough to transfer the money into our main account. My mom was absolutely relieved to have found that money. We lost $300, [the other $300 were my aunt's] and we found $411, which definitely came in handy.

After dealing with all the hassle of reporting everything that was stolen, calming my mom down, and assuring her everything would be ok, I finally had a moment to let everything sink in. I allowed myself to let it out, to lose it, to process. I held it together all day, I kept calm, I took care of what needed to be done, I was the voice of reason, the one that made everything better. Once I was all alone and everything was taken care of, it all sunk in.

Those fuckers emptied our bank accounts, made charges on credit cards and got away with cash that we desperately needed. They had my mom hysterical, and crying, I snapped at my sister and made her lose it at her job.

This incident was not something we deserved, it wasn't karmic retribution, it wasn't a random event.
This had purpose, an intention.

I'd seen some money issues during my tarot readings; at the time I thought it referred to our constant struggle to make the bills on time. It also showed someone that influenced these events and my family coming out of it stronger than before. At the time, I interpreted it differently because of the positive cards in the future position. After second analysis I realized that all this shit was someone's intention.

I became enraged.

I was so overwhelmed with rage that the only thing I knew would give us some retribution would be to take care of whomever was responsible for this fucked up situation.

I'm way beyond the Wiccan tradition which states only good should be sent out to the Universe. I started off strongly Wiccan, but as I experienced life and the cruel reality of how many people behave sending out curses and negativity, I realized that the only way to deal with these fuckers is to give them a taste of their own medicine. I'm not ashamed, I don't feel guilty, I have owned up to my actions and the consequences that they bring.

The only time I act is to protect my family or return whatever fucked up shit they send our way... and let me tell you, I'm quite good at it.

I tried to let it go. I tried to be the bigger person and trust in the Universe, trust that Justice would be served. I even meditated on it, and tried to release my anger but I simply could not do it. And let me tell you, I am one strong pacifist, so for someone to enrage me to that point, means they had to push me hard enough for me to push back.

I started on the curse I had in mind, I wanted to hurt these people and remove them from our lives once and for all... and I even stopped a few times along the way, but every time I questioned my actions, the image of my hysterical mother would come to mind. To top it all off, I also got these very clear and vivid images of these people making those fucking purchases at Walmart. They were so clear, that the second I envisioned them, I was enraged all over again. I knew then that I could not, and would not let it go.

While in the middle of rite, one of the vials that I was going to use completely broke. I keep my oils in small boxes and I had never had issues with broken vials. Imagine my surprise when I drop the box and hear glass breaking. The only vial that broke is the one that I'd plan on using.

I wanted to take it as a sign that maybe I should stop. I immediately contacted Jess Carlson and asked for advice. She told me that the energy was high and that I should keep going, which is what I was doing anyway.

Even if I wanted to stop, I simply couldn't.

I was able to save whatever was left of that vial and finished my curse stronger than when I began. I returned whatever they had sent our way, and added a kick for sending it in the first place.... anyone involved with that incident is certainly getting a taste of karmic retribution.... and then some.

I don't feel regret, I don't feel bad, I don't feel anything. They deserve it.

Like I've said before, I'm done playing doormat. I'm done being the nice girl. If you push me, I WILL push back ... and I WILL win.

I could have waited for Lady Justice to weight this out and eventually give the parties responsible for this a little karmic retribution, but honestly, this needed a push.

Which leads me to the next topic of this blog...

Jera, “Patience up to a point. Know your time, but work your wyrd always.”

I really love Rune Secrets. This site is absolutely perfect. It gives a different perspective of each rune while making them relatable and easy to understand. I love the quotes that are at the top of each Rune's analysis, it helps me grasp the concept of the overall energy of each rune. This site is my go-to website when I'm studying the runes; I keep it bookmarked for whenever I do my personal readings. I'll read up on the entire analysis taking note of whatever my intuition tells me, and usually I'll get a very specific and clear message from my rune casting. I've been learning the runes adamantly and I absolutely love them, they resonate with me on a completely different level than the Tarot or oracle decks.

Jera means "Year" literally, esoterically, it means harvest. Jera is the "[r]une of harvest and reward for, or reaction to, right actions in a horizontal (naturally ordered) cyclical process. [It is the] rune of peace on the land and in the heart."

The energy of this rune vibrates with cycles, progress, biorhythms and good harvest, the right effort one makes with every action. It governs the "realization of the cyclical nature of the multiverse, invoking the power of time and cycles." It is about manifesting and initiating gradual and lasting change in the flow of life. Jera has "an unstoppable energy, gradual but unrelenting, unhurried but persistent..."

"Jera is a rune of patience and movement," it has to do with "right timing." It states that everything you need in life, will come to you at the perfect time. What I find interesting about Jera is that it "can magically speed things up or slow things down, and manipulation of subjective time in this manner is governed by this rune." We reap what we sow, and Jera will mirror our actions.

I worked with this Rune during my Return-to-Sender spell to help me speed up the Karmic smack those fuckers needed. I focused my intention on letting them rip what they sow. I've had patience up to a point, and I've known my timing was for the best. I know that they WILL get what they deserve.

We are doing much better. That incident was only a minor setback, and like my cards showed, we are coming back stronger than ever.

I've done some house cleansings, as well as personal and family cleansings. I've reinforced my protections, and made protective talismans for my family and loved ones.

I've decided to embark on a Journey towards Happiness and Prosperity.

I'm focusing my energy on creating a happy environment at home while helping my family and loved ones with any magickal aspect they might need.

We have the ability to manifest our own lives however we see fit. We attract and create what our minds envision, this is the reason why we must keep a positive outlook on life.

We might come across obstacles and blocks that may seem too hard or too difficult to overcome, but if we trust in the Higher Powers we will learn the lesson behind each unfortunate event. This, in the end, makes us wiser and stronger.

My mom no longer carries all her cards with her, she only carries her debit card. She is mindful of all the negative people in her life, and we are taking the measure to protect her from any curse that may be sent her way.

We appreciate the blessings we have in our lives. The fact that we are living together, happy, with unconditional love. Yes, we might have altercations with one another, we might fight and argue at times, but at the end of the day, we know that we love each other... and Love trunks everything else that might try to destroy it. We are a strong bunch, and we know it.

Intuitive Spellwork (PBP 2013 wk 19)

At times I'm still surprised by the level of intuitive guidance I receive when it comes to creating spells and working magick.

As of lately, I've been working with the Runes. I actually got my set of Runes from Jess Carlson and I have to say, these are so honest and straight to the point. I always get the guidance I need at the time of my reading.

I have this long ritual when it comes to reading my own cards. I first cast a few Runes, as I do this I get the opportunity to learn about each Rune which I've found really resonates with me. I absolutely LOVE Rune Secrets and it is my go-to site when I want to connect with the Runes of the day.

I also do a life spread and anchor which I picked up from this one Tarot How To book. I didn't really connect with the rest of the book but this spread has proven to be useful. I really like how it gives me a glimpse of every aspect of my life. I follow these spreads with my own extended version of the Celtic cross, which is quite long. And finally, I do a 6 different Oracle spread for overall guidance. I was doing this daily, which seriously takes FOREVER... but it feels right. I get so much information [sometimes too much] which helps me see where I am at any given moment.

These readings even help me with spellwork! The runes specifically. I then get reassurance from the oracles and a better understanding of what's going on from the Celtic cross.

I've decided to cut back on my daily readings in order to focus on more tasks that I've been neglecting.

I have to admit that I'm a Tarot neebie. I'm enrolled in Jess Carlson's In The Cards Tarot class. It's an 8 week course that teaches us how to read the cards intuitively. I'm behind already as it was expected, but I'm learning so much from the group and the assignments that being behind isn't really as upsetting as I thought it would be.

I find it hard to keep up to my schedule and post as much as I'd like, I mean, come on, I'm suuuuper behind with the Pagan Blog Project! There's always so much to do! I have sooo many unfinished blog posts from past weeks that I simply don't finish and therefore never post. :/

But alas, I am catching up with life... in every aspect. I'm working on myself, managing my time better without squandering my energy. It feels good.

That's what I mean about Intuitive spellwork, I am getting great guidance from my oracle decks which are helping me optimize myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to stay true to myself by any means necessary. I wasted so much energy trying not to help others during the past few weeks because I felt unappreciated, when in fact, it took more out of me to be selfish than to simply give.

I've accepted this... it's part of my life's purpose, so why fight it?

I've been blessed with an apt ability for spellwork. Things just make sense, links happen even before I realize I'm working on a spell. Higher guidance shows me the way. It seriously amazes me how easy it is to come up with a strong spell that fulfills the exact needs of whatever issue I'm dealing with... it's uncanny.

I love that. Just earlier today I was working on some spellwork to help my sister and her boyfriend , the candle was positively humming with energy. The Runes I needed to complete the spell simply came to me. I trust that every single sigil used will help in it's highest way.

I love magick.

I seriously kept muttering that to myself as I crafted... 

Everything makes sense. Things fall into place right at the time when you mostly need them. You just have to trust... ask for help, and accept it. Trust that your magick will manifest because you've made it so, it's an incredible feeling.

I love being in touch with nature, the elements, elementals and magickal beings that help and guide our every step.

Intuition is at times taken for granted. Fear is the cause of this.

I've let go of my fear. When you work from a place of love, you really can't do wrong.

I'm a young witch, confident in my abilities and eager to learn as much as the Universe has to offer...

I am open to all teachings. I love knowledge. The more we learn the better we understand ourselves, our surroundings, and others. I don't think I could give up my path... it's part of me as I am part of it and every single resonating energy within our Universe.

Eager to Earn a Living by Following My Path... (PBP 2013 wk 9)

I'm quite excited about where life is leading me.

For a while --looong while-- things in my life seemed as if they were going from bad to worse. I had to go through many challenges, obstacles, and personal tests before I got to the point where I am now. I can, without a doubt, say that I'm slowly getting back to normal, i.e. who I used to be before my sequence of unfortunate events.

Every day, and each new experience add-on to the learning process that is called living, and I am absolutely thankful for the many blessings I have, and for those that are on my way.

I won't go into full detail in this post because it's a long and heavy subject and quite frankly, I don't feel like reminiscing. I will say this, I've lost a lot, I've also suffered a lot. I lost myself for such a long time... I was simply a shadow of my former self.

The events and choices that lead me to experience such things, although unfortunate, have helped me grow not only spiritually but also emotionally. I've come to realize that the choices I've made in the past --which at first glance appeared as huge mistakes-- have lead me to be in the path I am today.

I don't regret where I am now, because I have come to learn and understand so much about life and our individual paths and purposes. I wish I'd arrived at this place through different means, but I know that if I hadn't made those mistakes I wouldn't have arrived at this conclusion. I doubt I would've ever discovered My True Path, or the Craft.

Dreams have obstacles, otherwise they would be easy to attain.

My background is in chemical engineering and environmental chemistry. In fact, I got into UT's engineering program without really trying. People would say I'm smart --book smart anyway, because I tend to fail when it comes to street smarts-- learning comes somewhat easy to me, but of course I have to feel passionate about it, it has to peak my interest, and keep me interested. I guess it's a Leo thing. We are driven by our passionate hearts.

The series of unfortunate events that plagued my life left me in a state of doom and depression. I was depressed for years. I even considered and planned out a suicide... but that's neither here nor there. I was lost, so very lost and so very alone.

I was able to find the light at the end of the tunnel thanks to Love, the absolute healer. I fell in love, found happiness again and then got heartbroken...
Bad timing, constant interferences from relatives, and ultimately there were events that pointed towards a definite break.

This big break was followed of course by another round of unfortunate events.

C'es la Vie, right? You have a glimpse of happiness and then life reminds you that things are not all rosy pink.

I lost it all again.

The difference this time around was that I'd found the Path. Love had given me strength to find myself again; it helped me by nurturing me and allowing me to slowly realize that I COULD be who I used to be before everything went down the drain.

I realized along the way that I AM STRONG, way stronger than I thought. All these experiences have given me this incredible sense of growth, almost as if I've reached a level of enlightment.

I have lived, loved and lost and I'm not ready to give up. 
I WANT TO LIVE, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I've learned to let go and trust in higher guidance. There's a bigger plan out there, a bigger picture that goes way beyond the limits of time and space. We are living this life and changing with each cycle that the wheel brings into our lives.

You can not fully appreciate happiness if you've never felt sadness, suffering, or loss.

I know that if I trust in higher guidance I will make all my dreams come true.

I know that there will be obstacles, but these too can be removed/overcome. Like the Hanging Man, which represents my soul card, I must see things from different perspectives; I know that every problem has an attainable solution which might not be apparent at first glance. I can attain what I want, I just need to be aware that sacrifice is one of the main keys of this card.

I've sacrificed enough all my life, I understand that there are certain things I must sacrifice in order to reach my dreams. I accept and surrender to higher guidance.

Which leads me to the main point of this post. hehe

I tend to do some background info before I reachthe main point of the post, it's all about the bigger picture for me.

I feel, or well, signs are pointing me towards Tarot and the esoteric.

Not long ago, --actually, before Jess announced the B-school fundraiser-- I was having a heart-to-heart with my sister. We were discussing the reasons behind my inhability to let go of my ex, why I didn't feel ready to date, why I'd been a hermit the past few days.

I admitted that I felt very stuck --I don't have a steady job and this keeps me from contributing as much as I'd like into our household.

She understands my predicament, and in an attempt to figure out what to do with my life she asked me a question that immediately set me to tears... "What makes you happy?"

I didn't know the answer.

It took me a while to regain my composure. Actually, it wasn't until her cat (one that up until that exact moment kept giving me the cold shoulder in spite of my constant attempts at bonding with her) jumps on my lap and starts to purr ... she was comforting me!! I was crying with such pain because I felt so lost and my sister's cat jumps on my lap, gives me love and reminds me that everything will be ok.

Even my sister was surprised since her cat was barely getting used to me.

After I calmed down, and pondered on her question, I realized that helping people makes me happy.

I've always had a knack for giving great advice; my friends tell me how easy it is to talk to me, open up, how I give them strength, hope, support. I'm a great confidant, I've always been this way. This is one of MY main qualities, I am not only sympathetic towards other people, I'm empathetic. I'm full of love and compassion, I see the best in everyone because I see the potential they have to achieve their goals and dreams. I love this about me, and I'm told that it's one of my best attributes.

I like helping people. Yes, I am intelligent, I can do advanced math, physics and chemistry, I have an engineering background and I could potentially make a lot of money this way... there are obstacles that I need to overcome and I know that I will find the way once I reach them, but it will take quite some time.

And, before I can even get to that point, I first have to address the most crucial parts of my life. Like, the fact that I'm not employed and the realization that engineering is not my passion.

As of now, I feel very passionate about the Craft, the esoteric and the Tarot. It makes me happy to be able to guide others, help them figure out how to be happy. I do that now anyway, why not make money along the way to help me reach my ultimate goals?

As it happened, this is when Rowan (whoops, Jess hehe, still gettting used to it) posted the Tarot class and also my mom's friend, Marina asked me to go into business with her.

Is it a coincidence that right when I'm questioniing my life's purpose that I get such clear signs that maybe this is the way towards my dreams?

This isn't the first time this has happened. In fact, when I first embarked in this journey I got a message from the spirit world that adviced me to follow this path and I'd be successful.

Which leads me to believe that maybe this is what I'm meant to be doing?

I honestly don't know.
All I know is that I will trust in higher guidance. If I'm currently being lead towards this path, then I will follow it. The Craft makes me happy. I'm quite apt and passionate about it.

I envision myself more confident about my reading abilities in a couple of months. After Jess's In The Cards class I'll be able to work from home and save money. I have other part time options that can help me become more economically independent. Once I get my car fixed I can work with my friend teaching and tutoring in math, chemistry and sciences --which I'm naturally good at-- save enough money to get back to school and either finish my engineering / environmental chemistry degree which I could use to raise awarness about our environment / find ways to engineer safer eco friendly ways of performing every day tasks / consuming intelligently....

OR environmental chemistry / Psych ... yeah, as of the past few days I've come to the conclusion that this area of study has some sort of meaning to my life's path. I could still help mother earth and people in general.

With the first option I feel I might derail from the current spiritual path I'm following since we focus mainly on the left side of the brain... with the latter, I feel it's more of a balance?

I don't know, I'll figure this out as I go along... I'm trusting in the Universe!

I'M EAGER & WILDLY EXCITED ABOUT ALL THESE EARNING POSIBILITIES AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BEGIN MY NEW QUEST TO REACH MY DREAMS.

Emotional hormonal mess, connecting with the Element of Water and beings of the West (PBP 2013 wk 9)

Sunday June 6, 2013

I'm trying to catch up with the posts I missed at the beginning of the year. This post was for March 1st, and so I've decided to schedule it for that date. I was in the middle of writing the post for last Friday but I'm seriously emotional and randomly crying so it seemed like I should address this instead. 

I honor my emotions as they come because they are part of me. I am someone who is very much in touch with my empathy, and sympathy for others. I'm a Leo, ruled by my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and this has the potential of hurting me when I least expect it. 

I mean, it doesn't help that I'm on my cycle, and highly hormonal; so in a way, my random outbursts are partially because of my hormonal state. This doesn't mean I'm dismissing my feelings and emotions. I am quite aware that these stem from a place that is still sensitive. 

I mean, I'm watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm getting teary-eyed. It isn't so random actually; any scene where Love is palpable opens the watergates. The scene where the men express they have known real love because of their kids, how they wouldn't change it for the world reminds me of what I long to have. I guess it touches the issues I currently have with my father... We have fallen apart and even though I am now a better person, stronger, more capable, unmovable, it doesn't change the fact that I love him. He is my father and I long for a connection. 

Aside from those issues that are in some serious need of healing, I am dealing with the fact that I am a bit lonely. The whole concept of love, and having someone that will be there for you through thick and thin makes me long for a meaningful relationship. 

As I type this I've started on the movie, Like Crazy. It sent me on a path through memory lane. Spending never ending days in bed, needing only each other to be happy, fighting against everyone's disapproval to be together. Feelings that assured me that I could not live without him... :sigh: It feels like it was so long ago. 

I've known love, I've felt that happiness, that connectedness you have with someone that simply moves you to your core. It helped me become stronger, it helped me find myself again during a time where I truly needed finding. It was beautiful while it lasted, and having it end taught me an unbelievable amount of lessons that are unsurpassed by any other experience. I experienced pain and loss, failure and a never ending loneliness that was a constant achy reminder of what I once had. 

I have no regrets. 

I am now almost fully healed. I've found my empathy once more, my ability to connect with everything and everyone. I am so thankful for this, to be able to feel... even when it aches, even when it makes me cry, even when I emotionally overreact... I am thankful. I rather feel than be numb. This is a truth that I accept full-heartedly. 

I connect with the elements on daily basis, they are part of me and I am part of them. I ask the beings of each corner to keep me true to myself, to help me keep connected with who and what they represent. I stay connected with Source, my higher self, the core of who I am by honoring what makes me, me. 

I understand that everything I need comes to me at the perfect time, and that I should be patient because I am not ready in some way. I trust that when the time is right I will have that relationship I so long for. 

Even while knowing this very important truth, I can not help myself from missing that wonderful feeling called love. I love freely, I give it freely, I appreciate the love that is around me. The love I long for is that of a romantic partner. I miss that connection that links you to someone else's soul. That very true emotion that keeps you happy for no apparent reason. The butterflies that flutter uncontrollably from the sound of his voice, the achy warmth that emanates from my loins and spreads throughout my body when he kisses my forehead. The way his arms feel around me while we sleep... and I say he because as of now, I don't know who this guy, my soul mate, my twin flame may be... or where he is. 

Last week's oracle message from the Romance Angels advised me to call for my soul-mate. Calling your Soul Mate - Your prayers, affirmations and visualizations help bring you together. At the time I pulled this card, I was in denial. The person I felt this card was about is ironically my ex... the irony is that even though I still love him, and always will, I am no longer in-love with him. I don't see myself with him because I want more... I want it all. Not just bits and pieces, not just what he can offer. I want to be truly happy with someone that will cherish me for who I am. I want it all. I want a love that will last until I'm old, a love that will put me, my happiness, my needs, ahead of his own, because that's what I would do for him.... 

I'm not sure my ex can step up to the challenge. He's different somehow. He's trying, he's changing, he's striving to be better... but his core, that thing that keeps him chained to his addictions stand in the way. I feel he's realized he wants me in his life, and is doing anything he can to keep me in it. He has a long way to go... my feelings have changed and I am not sure I can even picture myself with him anymore. Not the way I did before anyway. I want more. 

I don't know what the future holds for me... but I do know that I want to be happy... anything less is not worth who I am. 

I thought I understood it.

That I could grasp it.

But I didn't. 

Not really.

Only the 'smudgeness' of it.

The pink-slippered,

all-containered,

semi-precious eagerness of it. 

I didn't realize it would 

sometimes be more than whole. 

That the wholeness

was a rather luxurious idea. 

Because it's the halves

that halve you in half. 

Didn't know. Don't know

about the in-between bits. 

The gory bits of you

and gory bits of me. 

~ Anna, Like Crazy 

Back on the Grind

Changes are inevitable.

There's so much going on, ALL THE TIME.
Life can be overwhelming, emotional, but also exciting and very scary; and when we are lucky, we get to experience long periods of joy and carefree happiness.

Happiness. 
It feels almost as if in order to appreciate the good we must experience some bad, you know? to put things into perspective.

2013 has begun with many needed changes. Some very unexpected, while others were even welcomed.

I've been going through quite a lot of internal changes. My immediate circle sees it as another one of my moody episodes. No, I'm exaggerating, I'm not really moody, I'm more of an antisocial hermit when I'm dealing with my own feelings and shortcomings.

I've been meditating and connecting with Spirit everyday, asking my guides and angles to guide me and help me heal. I've been putting my love life into perspective; and with the help of Healing with the Fairies by Doreen Virtue, I've been able to accept and understand that I first need to heal in order to manifest all that I crave, nay, all that I need to live a happy and full life.

It's funny how the Universe gives you all these signs, and continues to place them in front of you until you actually pay attention and recognize them.

About 5-6 years ago, when I was still in college, I'd come home for the holidays and was putting together this new book shelf I'd gotten as a gift. I love books, they are my ultimate passion. I envision myself living in a house with an entire wall covered in books, from top to bottom... sometime in the near future perhaps?

Anyway, one day, my dad gets home with a box full of books given to him by a family friend. He didn't inspect them, he simply handed them to me because he's well aware of my love for the written word. I went through the box and realized that most of the titles were of the new age nature. At that point in my life I wasn't even aware of how important these books would be, I simply kept them because something about their description called my attention.

Years passed and life happened. I hit rock bottom, I went through depression, I lost it all. I found myself again after I found the path. I'm a brand new witch, about a year and a half old? maybe more? I never even imagined I'd be where I am now, living here, growing spiritually as a witch, finding acceptance with loved ones and family members.

All these books that I kept from long ago because I simply couldn't bring myself to throw them out, have guided me further into where I am now.
Ironically, my dad is completely against the esoteric and is skeptical of the path I'm currently in. He found me playing with a Ouia board when I was a young teen and completely flipped out on me. He threw it out and told me to NEVER play with those things again. What would dad say if he knew I was a witch who read the tarot and practiced daily? I wonder if he'll be accepting or if I'll have to hide it... I guess I'll figure this out whenever he makes his way back into our lives.

I wonder if reading these books would've changed my life back when I was under depression. Would I be in a different situation if I'd taken the time to read these books back when I first got them? I guess I'll never know; there's a chance that if I had, I wouldn't have fully appreciated their information and guidance.

I've come to learn and trust that everything that we need comes to us right at the perfect time; all we have to do is believe that this will happen and follow the signs by being in tune with our intuition.

It's hard to stay positive and happy, even when we fully know that our thoughts create our reality. As witches, we manifest what we envision. Like attracts like, the Law of Attraction teaches us to manifest by releasing our wishes and intentions out into the Universe.

We control our thoughts, our outlook changes, we start to see positive reinforcement that shows us that our mental health relies on our ability to deal with overwhelming emotions.

Yes, this is all true. In a perfect world we'd be able to take on any challenge without a flinch. In this reality, life/society can push you down to the point where you almost want to give up. We sometimes get pulled into a vortex of self-pity when we feel unappreciated or unloved. I went through just that this past week.

We are judged in society by what we can offer to others, if we don't contribute then we are no longer entitled to respect. Or at least that's how some people within my circle feel. It seems like everything else that I have to offer counts little when my contribution isn't of the monetary kind. Love isn't a currency. Apparently a potential to make it in the future makes little difference. It's a harsh reality and a cruel realization but one that I needed to hear.

I'm a giver, I give even when I have little to give. I put my needs aside in order to fulfill the needs of my loved ones. I've always been that way, it's a strength and also a weakness. I always hear from friends and family that I'm a great friend and confidant, that they feel safe when with me, that I help and encourage them to achieve their dreams because I always see the best in everyone.

I'm a giver... but most people are takers. I'm at a point in my life where I need to depend on myself only.

Things are changing, and good things are coming. I know they are, I can feel them and I can see them in my tarot/oracle readings. I have faith in the future and I know that I will reach the level of abundance, prosperity, and happiness I crave if I follow the signs I'm given.

Patience is key. In order to keep myself motivated, I must keep myself grounded. I want to be ready for these positive changes.

The Universe is guiding me into this path and I'm going to follow the advice I'm given. Hopefully, if everything turns out as planned, I'll be able to read tarot with much more confidence within a couple of months. I'm taking Jess Carlson's In the Cards 8 week tarot course which is the perfect class for me right at the moment --since I want to go into professional tarot reading.

I figured I can make some money, help others and work on my time. I want a job that will allow me to grow spiritually, one that will accept my belief system, where I won't be judged or criticized for having such a wide range of beliefs.

Marina, our Santera friend wants to open a Botanical/Esoteric store where we will conduct readings, cleansings and spells. Marina already has a large clientele that go to her for any specific needs. She wants to initiate me into the religion of Santeria; she's mentioned something about giving me The Warriors for protection and lowering my angel --these are rough translations of what Marina tells me of course, if anyone has any idea of what I mean please advice?-- which honestly confuses me some. At the moment, I feel somewhat ambivalent about this specific path. I want to be able to learn on my own without restrictions. I understand the spirituality behind Santeria, why they perform certain rituals and sacrifices, etc. I have no problem with this, but I don't want to do it myself (I don't want to sacrifice an innocent animal).

I guess I will deal with that fork on the road when and if we go into business together. As for now, I want to learn and grow.

I am focusing on myself.
I need to be a tiny bit more selfish and less giving... for my own sake anyway.

Lets get BACK ON THE GRIND!!!