Dare to Hope... Healing & Finding Happiness. (PBP 2014 wk 15)

For this week's post I decided to write about Hope, Healing and Happiness. Something that for me, goes hand in hand. I long with all my heart, to be truly happy. I know that what's keeping me from attaining this is my chronic health issues. Healing is an utmost priority.

I know that these issues I'm experiencing make me a better person, and when these fears and obstacles are conquered, it will make me a stronger individual. I know that if I wasn't experiencing this, I wouldn't be on this path...

I dare to hope.

I dare to hope that one day I will attain the perfect health I long for. I believe with all my heart that God & Goddess, Divinity, The Universe will align me in a way that will help me attain the healthy mind, body, and soul I seek.

I'm holding on to hope for dear life.
My faith keeps me anchored.

I believe in miracles and I know that Divinity will not fail me. I am after all, one with The Universe.

I long for Love. True unconditional love.

In the Tibetan meditation class I learned about attachment and conditional love.. We love with conditions. I want to simply love, unconditionally, and to be loved with as much intensity as my soul can handle.

I hope to find this love. Hope: That flickering light that holds on for dear life even in windy environments... the light that keeps your faith anchored, even when you're surrounded by darkness. That light of hope that assures you that in the end, you will find your happily ever after.

My heart wants... oh, it wants so much I can hardly hold it back. 

My Heart wants to give, it wants to love, it wants intimacy, it wants to care, to soar, and jump, it want's to rejoice and sing the sweet sweet melodies composed by the heart when in love. My heart wants to fall in love, and stay in love. It wants to experience the type of love soul mates have for one another.

My soul wants to be happy. My soul deserves to be happy.

I hope to find Happiness through Healing. After all, balance is the key to everything...  

During last month's New Moon, I worked on a Healing / Happiness crystal grid. I am working with my Angels and guides, with Spirit and of course, the crystal's and their magick / medicine. The grid feels good, it's definitely helping me deal with my own short comings. It's helping me with the changes I need to make, and to love myself above all.

I feel more grounded, yet light. I feel this energy shift is what helped me attract the guy I  met last Saturday. The Architect. A beautiful individual in every aspect of the word.

The last time I went out with the intention of meeting someone, my energy was so off that I ended with Emo A. The sexually confused emo guy.

This time around, I went out expecting little since we were headed to a gay art show.

The odds of finding an attractive male were of course in my favor, the odds of encountering an attractive "straight" male were zero to none. In spite of the odds, I still dabbed a couple of drops of Jess Carlson's Out All Night oil and walked out the door. I was ready for what the night would bring.

I was a bit hesitant when my best friend, Gordo, suggested we hit Barbarella (awesome bar in Austin Texas) after the art show. I wasn't ready to share him with his "other" woman but of course I obliged. I have a habit of saying "YES, LETS DO IT" (even when I don't feel like doing that particular "it.") While with my bestie, "no" does not exist. And, oh, am I glad.

As expected my friend got lost in chatter with his friends. I'm not a wallflower type, but didn't particularly feel like making small talk with the group. Sooo I walked off to the dance floor, I was there to dance after all. Plus, it was a regular night, which meant, lots of straight guys.

It seriously took me less than two songs to find the guy of my dreams.  ^_^

I was surrounded by a group of guys dancing the night away. Straight guys out dancing and having fun --that's the type of atmosphere you get a Barbs. There was this tall and attractive chubby guy that was coming on strong but in a cute silly way. He was hip bumping me and dropping it like it was hot right in front of me. It was amusing, but he wasn't it.

I was fully enjoying myself when all of the sudden I saw "Him" from across the dance floor, I smiled a few times, made eye contact and kept on dancing. I separated myself from the group of guys and next thing you know, He's next to me. He asked if I was "with the tall guy in plaid."  I clarified and told him I was there with my gay best friend, who was at moment having a drink by the bar, technically, I was there "alone." hehe The rest was history. He didn't let go of me all night. Even when he'd go to get me a drink, he'd leave me with his group of friends so I wouldn't stand / dance there alone. (Or so I wouldn't get "picked up" by another guy.)

The Architect is SUCH a gentleman! Tall, handsome, fit, beautiful and most importantly, eloquent, clever, witty and smart. He has the softest beard, just the right shade of light brown/blond and a very nice ass. Oh gosh, I'm crushing. HARD. :sigh: I love the way he approached me, how sweet and good looking he is, but most of all, I love his personality and kind heart. :sigh: Crush at first sight.

With most guys, I'll usually lose interest after I get to know the individual a little better. With The Architect, it's the complete opposite. The more I find out about him, the more I like him. I know it's waaay too soon but I'm daring to hope that maybe this can be something. His first text message was sent at 1:23 am... and another crucial message was sent at 3:33..  Even his phone number has a 444 in it. I mean, it definitely feels like something. :sigh: oh gosh, why do these signs feel like definite YES!?

Gordo LOVES him. In fact, he urges me to, (and I quote) "not fuck it up with this guy." He seems to be mesmerized by The Architect.
I'm not forcing anything, I'm just letting it be. I'm enjoying it to the fullest and allowing things to simply develop as they are meant to.

I dare to hope that maybe this individual will be a beautiful experience... I would love it if he was the one. I'm such a hopeless romantic...

I long to love... and I know the Universe will not disappoint.

I know I need to get back on track with my diet in order to control my chronic issues, I am determined to achieve balance of mind, body and spirit.

"I will, therefore I am."

Birthday Blues...

I guess I'm not so much blue as I am a tiny bit numb.

Today's my birthday... today marks yet another year of stagnation.

I've made much progress in my spiritual path, but I haven't made as much progress in my mundane life. I feel the weight of this major truth on my shoulders.

I'd like nothing more than to be successful in my craft. I know that this is the path I must follow, and that at this time, I'm developing my abilities. It is a time to search my inner soul for the guidance from my higher self. Like the Hermit, I must spend this time in seclusion in order to find my way.

I absolutely love this path, I just wish I had a way to make a living doing what I love. I love to help people, and I do this selflessly; making a difference in someone's life, helping them find hope and happiness through their own means is priceless.

I'd hate to be such a petty being at this time, I shouldn't put out negative thoughts out into the Universe. In a way, this isn't really negative, it's just an honest view of my current emotional state. I'd have to say that I'm feeling a bit numb... and a bit lonely.

I'm not celebrating or doing anything special today other than read my books, and clean my magickal room / study and my bedroom. I've got spell-work that I'd like to work on, but as of now, I honestly don't have the energy for it.

Ever since the Chakra Healing session I had with Jess, I've felt rejuvenated and balanced. I am thankful for this.

I can't help but compare myself to how I was last year, dealing with fucking Collin, a liar and a selfish cheat, promising all these things for his own benefit only to crush my dreams right on my fucking birthday. He ruined it. He's the single one person that's hurt me the most and I forgave him time after time... he certainly does not deserve a happy ending..  :sigh: He's had his influence over this month of course, changing plans once more, lying, showing me his true colors... he's such a joke. He'll get what he deserves soon enough...

If it wasn't for this Chakra alignment I would be a mess. Depressed, drowning in self pity.. crying myself to sleep because things haven't turned out as I'd wished them to be, because I'm lonely, because none of my friends are here to celebrate my birthday with me, and because they guy I have feelings for has yet to call me (and I doubt he will.) He's currently online, so it's not like he doesn't know. I even told him how difficult birthdays are for me earlier last week... I wasn't fishing for attention, it came out naturally, something I would share with my closest friends. There's no excuse for him not to call me or even leave me a message on my wall... I mean, facebook reminds you... :Sigh:

Given my track record on how depressing my past birthdays have been, I would've been a mess today, instead, I'm calm, and cool ... a bit emotional and somewhat numb, but not overwhelmed.. if that makes sense.

I'm a bit bummed at the current relationship I have with my sister. For the past month, we've been not speaking. I don't know what's going on with her and I don't have the energy to decipher her actions. I just feel she's selfish and still somewhat immature, causing pain because she's experiencing it and refusing to acknowledge that her selfishness affects others. I mean, she's currently downstairs with her boyfriend... she's invited people over to drink and smoke, and all the while ignoring the fact that I'm here... completely alone. I mean, she wished me a happy birthday over facebook... facebook. This stings. I would honestly much rather have an empty house today so I can be alone with my thoughts than this moronic nonsense they are doing. How sad is this? It's borderline depressing.

I'm overwhelmed by emotions now. The Chakra session closed and aligned my overactive heart chakra but this doesn't keep me from feeling altogether.... well, at least it's not overwhelming. :sigh:

I wish I had someone who cared for me... and I'm not saying that I don't have people that do, because I know I have friends that love me unconditionally. I just mean in the sense of a loving partner. One that would be happy to celebrate my birthday even when I'm not, one who would drag me out of the house and refuse to have me skip out on doing something special... or at the very least, one that will crawl in bed with me and simply cuddle, watch a movie or love me.

.... so much for my numbness. ha-ha.

I don't like to be petty this way. It's unnecessary. I'm sure I sound like an ungrateful child complaining about being all alone on a day that marks my birth and nothing more... I don't like this about myself right now. It's petty of me...

I know how blessed I am, how thankful I am for the people I have in my life, the gifts I've been blessed with in this lifetime... There is much to be happy about... I am alive. I might not have the job I want, the relationship I long for, the love I yearn for... the health I desperately need... but I have loving friendships and caring friends and a family that loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I am very much thankful for this.

I think I will take a cleansing bath and see if it helps lift my spirits.

I just finished watching The House of the Spirits, and got so enthralled by this movie that I cried for a bit during some of the scenes. I'm not completely numb, since I can still relate and feel. I know that if I get into that mindset of thinking and obsessing on the things I'm lacking in my life at this time I will certainly fall into depression. So I choose to get lost in a good book.

I've got a handful of books I'm in the process of reading. La Casa de los Espiritus is one of them. I should've waited and finished the book before watching the movie, but somehow, the movie called my attention.... besides, the movies never meet up to the expectations one has after reading the book.

I have to remember to breathe and have patience. There's a lesson in today that I've yet to see or appreciate.

A nice hot bath and some time alone will certainly do me good. :)  There's so much to do... I'd like to get some progress done before the day ends... but I won't force myself, I need to be gentle with myself.

Perhaps, meditation will clear my mind and center me once more.

Lets see what the rest of the day has waiting for me...

Emotional hormonal mess, connecting with the Element of Water and beings of the West (PBP 2013 wk 9)

Sunday June 6, 2013

I'm trying to catch up with the posts I missed at the beginning of the year. This post was for March 1st, and so I've decided to schedule it for that date. I was in the middle of writing the post for last Friday but I'm seriously emotional and randomly crying so it seemed like I should address this instead. 

I honor my emotions as they come because they are part of me. I am someone who is very much in touch with my empathy, and sympathy for others. I'm a Leo, ruled by my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and this has the potential of hurting me when I least expect it. 

I mean, it doesn't help that I'm on my cycle, and highly hormonal; so in a way, my random outbursts are partially because of my hormonal state. This doesn't mean I'm dismissing my feelings and emotions. I am quite aware that these stem from a place that is still sensitive. 

I mean, I'm watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm getting teary-eyed. It isn't so random actually; any scene where Love is palpable opens the watergates. The scene where the men express they have known real love because of their kids, how they wouldn't change it for the world reminds me of what I long to have. I guess it touches the issues I currently have with my father... We have fallen apart and even though I am now a better person, stronger, more capable, unmovable, it doesn't change the fact that I love him. He is my father and I long for a connection. 

Aside from those issues that are in some serious need of healing, I am dealing with the fact that I am a bit lonely. The whole concept of love, and having someone that will be there for you through thick and thin makes me long for a meaningful relationship. 

As I type this I've started on the movie, Like Crazy. It sent me on a path through memory lane. Spending never ending days in bed, needing only each other to be happy, fighting against everyone's disapproval to be together. Feelings that assured me that I could not live without him... :sigh: It feels like it was so long ago. 

I've known love, I've felt that happiness, that connectedness you have with someone that simply moves you to your core. It helped me become stronger, it helped me find myself again during a time where I truly needed finding. It was beautiful while it lasted, and having it end taught me an unbelievable amount of lessons that are unsurpassed by any other experience. I experienced pain and loss, failure and a never ending loneliness that was a constant achy reminder of what I once had. 

I have no regrets. 

I am now almost fully healed. I've found my empathy once more, my ability to connect with everything and everyone. I am so thankful for this, to be able to feel... even when it aches, even when it makes me cry, even when I emotionally overreact... I am thankful. I rather feel than be numb. This is a truth that I accept full-heartedly. 

I connect with the elements on daily basis, they are part of me and I am part of them. I ask the beings of each corner to keep me true to myself, to help me keep connected with who and what they represent. I stay connected with Source, my higher self, the core of who I am by honoring what makes me, me. 

I understand that everything I need comes to me at the perfect time, and that I should be patient because I am not ready in some way. I trust that when the time is right I will have that relationship I so long for. 

Even while knowing this very important truth, I can not help myself from missing that wonderful feeling called love. I love freely, I give it freely, I appreciate the love that is around me. The love I long for is that of a romantic partner. I miss that connection that links you to someone else's soul. That very true emotion that keeps you happy for no apparent reason. The butterflies that flutter uncontrollably from the sound of his voice, the achy warmth that emanates from my loins and spreads throughout my body when he kisses my forehead. The way his arms feel around me while we sleep... and I say he because as of now, I don't know who this guy, my soul mate, my twin flame may be... or where he is. 

Last week's oracle message from the Romance Angels advised me to call for my soul-mate. Calling your Soul Mate - Your prayers, affirmations and visualizations help bring you together. At the time I pulled this card, I was in denial. The person I felt this card was about is ironically my ex... the irony is that even though I still love him, and always will, I am no longer in-love with him. I don't see myself with him because I want more... I want it all. Not just bits and pieces, not just what he can offer. I want to be truly happy with someone that will cherish me for who I am. I want it all. I want a love that will last until I'm old, a love that will put me, my happiness, my needs, ahead of his own, because that's what I would do for him.... 

I'm not sure my ex can step up to the challenge. He's different somehow. He's trying, he's changing, he's striving to be better... but his core, that thing that keeps him chained to his addictions stand in the way. I feel he's realized he wants me in his life, and is doing anything he can to keep me in it. He has a long way to go... my feelings have changed and I am not sure I can even picture myself with him anymore. Not the way I did before anyway. I want more. 

I don't know what the future holds for me... but I do know that I want to be happy... anything less is not worth who I am. 

I thought I understood it.

That I could grasp it.

But I didn't. 

Not really.

Only the 'smudgeness' of it.

The pink-slippered,

all-containered,

semi-precious eagerness of it. 

I didn't realize it would 

sometimes be more than whole. 

That the wholeness

was a rather luxurious idea. 

Because it's the halves

that halve you in half. 

Didn't know. Don't know

about the in-between bits. 

The gory bits of you

and gory bits of me. 

~ Anna, Like Crazy