Emotional hormonal mess, connecting with the Element of Water and beings of the West (PBP 2013 wk 9)

Sunday June 6, 2013

I'm trying to catch up with the posts I missed at the beginning of the year. This post was for March 1st, and so I've decided to schedule it for that date. I was in the middle of writing the post for last Friday but I'm seriously emotional and randomly crying so it seemed like I should address this instead. 

I honor my emotions as they come because they are part of me. I am someone who is very much in touch with my empathy, and sympathy for others. I'm a Leo, ruled by my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and this has the potential of hurting me when I least expect it. 

I mean, it doesn't help that I'm on my cycle, and highly hormonal; so in a way, my random outbursts are partially because of my hormonal state. This doesn't mean I'm dismissing my feelings and emotions. I am quite aware that these stem from a place that is still sensitive. 

I mean, I'm watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm getting teary-eyed. It isn't so random actually; any scene where Love is palpable opens the watergates. The scene where the men express they have known real love because of their kids, how they wouldn't change it for the world reminds me of what I long to have. I guess it touches the issues I currently have with my father... We have fallen apart and even though I am now a better person, stronger, more capable, unmovable, it doesn't change the fact that I love him. He is my father and I long for a connection. 

Aside from those issues that are in some serious need of healing, I am dealing with the fact that I am a bit lonely. The whole concept of love, and having someone that will be there for you through thick and thin makes me long for a meaningful relationship. 

As I type this I've started on the movie, Like Crazy. It sent me on a path through memory lane. Spending never ending days in bed, needing only each other to be happy, fighting against everyone's disapproval to be together. Feelings that assured me that I could not live without him... :sigh: It feels like it was so long ago. 

I've known love, I've felt that happiness, that connectedness you have with someone that simply moves you to your core. It helped me become stronger, it helped me find myself again during a time where I truly needed finding. It was beautiful while it lasted, and having it end taught me an unbelievable amount of lessons that are unsurpassed by any other experience. I experienced pain and loss, failure and a never ending loneliness that was a constant achy reminder of what I once had. 

I have no regrets. 

I am now almost fully healed. I've found my empathy once more, my ability to connect with everything and everyone. I am so thankful for this, to be able to feel... even when it aches, even when it makes me cry, even when I emotionally overreact... I am thankful. I rather feel than be numb. This is a truth that I accept full-heartedly. 

I connect with the elements on daily basis, they are part of me and I am part of them. I ask the beings of each corner to keep me true to myself, to help me keep connected with who and what they represent. I stay connected with Source, my higher self, the core of who I am by honoring what makes me, me. 

I understand that everything I need comes to me at the perfect time, and that I should be patient because I am not ready in some way. I trust that when the time is right I will have that relationship I so long for. 

Even while knowing this very important truth, I can not help myself from missing that wonderful feeling called love. I love freely, I give it freely, I appreciate the love that is around me. The love I long for is that of a romantic partner. I miss that connection that links you to someone else's soul. That very true emotion that keeps you happy for no apparent reason. The butterflies that flutter uncontrollably from the sound of his voice, the achy warmth that emanates from my loins and spreads throughout my body when he kisses my forehead. The way his arms feel around me while we sleep... and I say he because as of now, I don't know who this guy, my soul mate, my twin flame may be... or where he is. 

Last week's oracle message from the Romance Angels advised me to call for my soul-mate. Calling your Soul Mate - Your prayers, affirmations and visualizations help bring you together. At the time I pulled this card, I was in denial. The person I felt this card was about is ironically my ex... the irony is that even though I still love him, and always will, I am no longer in-love with him. I don't see myself with him because I want more... I want it all. Not just bits and pieces, not just what he can offer. I want to be truly happy with someone that will cherish me for who I am. I want it all. I want a love that will last until I'm old, a love that will put me, my happiness, my needs, ahead of his own, because that's what I would do for him.... 

I'm not sure my ex can step up to the challenge. He's different somehow. He's trying, he's changing, he's striving to be better... but his core, that thing that keeps him chained to his addictions stand in the way. I feel he's realized he wants me in his life, and is doing anything he can to keep me in it. He has a long way to go... my feelings have changed and I am not sure I can even picture myself with him anymore. Not the way I did before anyway. I want more. 

I don't know what the future holds for me... but I do know that I want to be happy... anything less is not worth who I am. 

I thought I understood it.

That I could grasp it.

But I didn't. 

Not really.

Only the 'smudgeness' of it.

The pink-slippered,

all-containered,

semi-precious eagerness of it. 

I didn't realize it would 

sometimes be more than whole. 

That the wholeness

was a rather luxurious idea. 

Because it's the halves

that halve you in half. 

Didn't know. Don't know

about the in-between bits. 

The gory bits of you

and gory bits of me. 

~ Anna, Like Crazy 

The X Factor ... (PBP wk 48)

The last post I made was back in September.
I wanted to get on track, catch up, and focus on me... but of course that didn't happen.

We are already in week 48 and there's only 30 days left of the Pagan Blog Project. I thought about saying "fuck it," and starting over in January when the next project begins; but for some reason I felt the need to give it one last try.
I thought that if I focus on writing, and just writing I can get out of this endless cycle of obsessing over what is and what isn't.

For this week, we are writing a post with the letter X. I could have taken a look at Judika's Encyclopedia of Spirits for one that begins with X; but every time I thought of this letter, Lauryn Hill's The X Factor would come to mind. Lauryn Hill is a legend. I fell in love with her music many years ago and can honestly say that her one and only album is still one of my must-haves; I keep it with me at all times -phone, mp3 player, the cloud.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

 

So instead of avoiding the real issues that have me in a less than optimal form, I decided to let it out. The Ex is in fact a big factor in my life, and things are so complicated between us that I no longer know where I stand.

As I listened to this song for the millionth time taking comfort in her soothing voice and the honesty of her lyrics, I thought of no one else but him. She reached the line "cause no one's hurt me more than you... and no one ever will," and my chest contracted. I felt it so deep in me that I couldn't help but cry. It's true, no one's hurt me as much as this guy has, and no one ever will. I know this sounds pathetic, I shouldn't care about a guy that's put me through so much pain.. and, as much as I'd like to say otherwise, I still love him. "When it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good..." another of Lauryn Hill 's legends. :sigh:

Just before my last post I remember discussing how toxic this guy is for me. I wanted to stay away from him, and focus on me. He's a bad addiction. When I do my personal readings he always comes up, can you guess which card comes up? The Devil of course... among others.

I'd managed to bounce back after our last encounter and was learning to deal with these old, but at the same time, very new feelings for him when I found he'd been in a motorcycle accident. One that I was partially responsible for...

I'm a new witch, and sometimes I forget that as a witch I need to be careful with my thoughts. We'd been having issues. He'd just gotten the motorcycle and kept driving somewhat recklessly. I remember thinking, I wish he'd get rid of that bike.

During his last visit I traced 3 sigils on his bike for protection. I asked Goddess to keep him safe above all. After he left we got into some discussions, I found out some things that really upset me. Things were off between us and I was upset and hurt; I cried a lot and sought Goddess's guidance. The next morning I find out that he's been in an accident and was in the hospital. 

I felt it'd been my fault.
He was misbehaving, I cried to God & Goddess and the next morning he's in the hospital. He was going 70 mph when a buck jumped in front of him, he avoided it but wiped out down the road. He could have killed himself...
:sigh: I had a serious breakdown.
He fractured his arm, and dislocated his shoulder, had road burn all over and couldn't even move.
I felt so guilty.

I'd cried all night, complaining to God & Goddess, asking for help, for him to learn his lesson and then he's in an accident. It could be ruled a coincidence but I know better. This isn't the first time the Universe spanks him for misbehaving. Call it intuition, or whatever, I know this because I've been present when it's happened before. Of course nothing had been as big or dangerous as an actual accident, but it's been specific enough to show me that he's lying, or doing things he shouldn't be doing.

I was so worried for him. I ran to his side of course. I took care of him from October 10th -25th and dropped everything in my life along the way...

What happened in those two weeks ranged from absolutely beautiful to incredibly depressing --going into detail will just point out at my inability to walk away from that which serves me no good.

:sigh: I don't know where we stand now. I made some irrational mistakes myself while I was with him; things just fell apart. There were other parties involved of course, I just thought we'd be able to get through it.

I know he's not good for me and that the best thing I should do is to just stay away; I know this. If I was giving advice to someone in my own situation I would've suggested they run for the hills. I just keep hoping he'll change for himself, that he'll open his eyes and realize that he's better than what he's currently doing. I've loved this guy for such a long time, he's been back in my life for less than 6 months and I'm a hot mess again.

Before I left and dropped out of civilization, I was working on this post for the letter T. I did a personal reading and Temperance came out as the key for my reading --coincidentally that was my Taroscope for October. Wish I'd taken the card more seriously, if would've kept my cool I wouldn't have made as many wrong choices as I did.

Should've could've and would've, but didn't.

Inspite of the havoc that was wrecked I can't help but feel that everything was meant to happen as it did.

I'd avoided checking my cards since early November because I didn't want to see for myself that we're really over.
I finally did last night, and Temperance was the base of my anchor. The reading was actually extremely positive. The Sun was on the future position, the life spread reading showed the wish card on the future area, the rest all pointed towards getting what I've always wanted. I need to have patience.

It took me over 2 weeks to get over the stressful drama I had to deal with while I was with him. During this entire time I've neglected my spirituality and practice. Well, not completely, I had time with God, Goddess, the elements & the ancestors but didn't really cast any spells. I honored Goddess during Full & New Moon but didn't have the energy to cast for myself. Rowan always said that you procrastinate because it's your body's way of telling you that you need to rest; which is exactly what I did. I was exhausted emotionally.

I feel somewhat better. I'm trying once again to focus and persevere. I ordered some books from Rowan's book sale and I'm quite excited about getting lost in the craft. I have so many projects that I want to work on, books I'd like to read, posts I want to write. I just need to focus. I need to seek guidance from the higher beings.

I have a 6 card reading I purchased from Rowan during Halloween but I've yet to ask my question. Hopefully after I ground and center I'll be able to figure out what I need to know.

I've got a month to shed some pounds and reflect on my path, my relationships and where I'm going.

I'll follow the cards advice and I'll be patient.

I've got to trust in the advice I get from my higher being.