Yearnings... (PBP 2013 wk 51)

Monday, December 16, 2013

I tend to fall behind and get sidetracked, it's my inability to fully juggle all the projects I'm currently working on. I feel, I take on too many things and sometimes have a hard time focusing all my energy into finishing one. I'm so behind with the Pagan Blog Project that we are now entering the last two weeks of it and I've skipped most of the entries. smh.

I will admit, and as much as it pains me to do so, that the main reason why I get the most sidetracked with my projects is because I get involved with someone and get lost in the excitement of the relationship. ... I'm aware this is not ideal, and quite honestly, it's quite annoying. I'm very intense about most things I do, I mean come on, I'm a Leo --passionate, intense, and loyal.

I'm not ashamed of my emotions, they are part of who I am; just as my passionate way of being is another aspect of the personality that defines me, my intensity makes me the care and love deeply. It's not ideal, but it's what makes me who I am.

I know I've discussed this in the past, it's a lesson that keeps reoccurring in my life, and I know it's a lesson that's party of my soul lesson's for this lifetime, in fact, my tarot profile shows the 3 of swords as a life lesson, which explains why the love department always manages to dishevel my life.

The most recent experience had me dragging for the past few weeks. I feel I'm back to normal, but who knows if I'm completely over it. More on this subject later, these are aspects of my life that I need to put in writing in order to learn from them better. I've spent my share of time meditating on the subject matter, and I've come to many realizations, but even though I know better, for some reason I'm still impulsive and somewhat careless of the consequences. I feel, that I rather deal with the aftermath rather than regret not acting on a gut feeling.

Since this post is about yearnings, I guess that aspect of my life fits since I yearn to have a loving, caring, honest, and sexually driven relationship with someone that is compatible with me and that will take me for who I am, flaws and all.

The main reason why I chose "Yearnings" for this week's post is because my yearnings are driving me towards what my soul wants. Or at least, that's how it feels. Life is finally aligning it self towards my higher purpose it feels. Or well, towards a goal I had given up due to unfortunate events and unexpected issues. I'd like to go back to school and finish my degree, specifically, I want to graduate from the University of Texas. I had to take a long hiatus from school, it was disappointing but necessary. The lessons I've learned along these years have changed me for the better, they've given me the skills I need to value and manifest my life and lead it towards a better future. I feel like I'm following my path. I had an intense strong heart chakra reaction while I was attempting to log into my school to request a transcript, I felt with all that I this intense need, yearning, want, and desire for this one aspect of my life I let go of not too long ago. I want this. ... and I will manifest it.

I'm currently in Austin, or well, an outside city, Leander. I've reconnected with my college Roommate. A very close friend of mine that has been a big part of my life. We lost contact, life got on the way and we both went our separate ways. We've been through much and we've grown and changed but our friendship is still intact. I feel incredibly blessed. ^_^

I'm big on signs and coincidences, I mean, I'm a witch after all. I'd been thinking about her a lot in November, her birthday came around and I contacted her. As it turns out, the Universe was working to reunite us. She finally dropped the deadweight from her cheating boyfriend and is now single. Her boyfriend hates me by the way. He believes I'm a lesbian and I want to be with my Roommate, haha. I mean, come on! If I were a lesbian, WE WOULD BE TOGETHER! haha Anyway, he's out of the picture, we are back in touch and I'm absolutely, positively happy about this.

My Roommate (that's how I call her actually,) bought a house out here and she's currently living alone :( ... I want to more than anything visit more often so she doesn't feel so lonely. When we arrived and I saw the number on her house, 403, I immediately liked it and felt like it was a good sign. Throughout these last couple of days I've gotten a really strong feeling like I should be here, in this area. I man, ALL of my closest friends live up here, I don't have any close friends my age back in Houston. UT is also here, my friend is single and living alone, when I mentioned to her that I had these very strong yearnings to move back here she immediately supported them and encouraged them. I could live with her, pay rent, work and go back to school. I'd get to see my friends and live the life I was meant to live, only this time around I'll be much wiser and prepared to achieve and succeed.

I want it badly. I don't think I can do it immediately, but perhaps within the next year or two I'll be able to pick up and move up here. In the mean time, I'll continue working on my immediate goals.

I feel big changes happening, and I am sooo excited to welcome them into my life.

I am loved by my loved ones, I am incredibly blessed, and I thank the Universe for providing me with what I need in my life in order to stay true to my path. :)

The Moon is in Leo, time for some Lunar Magick (PBP 2013 wk 25)

The Moon is currently on the sign of  Leo until Friday 5 am central time. I like to follow Dr. Loretta Standley's moon void calendar.  Her moon void tables are like no other I've ever seen. She believes that when the moon is in transition it's hard to focus, things sometimes go awry or are misunderstood and the energy is overall a bit chaotic. She compares a moon void with the tedious task of moving to a different residence and the stress we feel when we are going through the process. I agree. I personally HATE moving. I don't like the packing process, and consequently the unpacking and set up. It is one of the most stressful situations one can go through in life. 

I'd originally planned on casting some spells to help me open my psychic senses, but of course life got in the way. I've been wanting to make a pendulum for almost a year, this Wednesday seemed perfect since there was New Moon last Saturday and the moon was in my sign. 

Tuesday and Wednesday had some unexpected plans. Family came to visit from out of town and they decided to stay the night at the last minute. Sooo I was busy with them mostly.

I thought they'd be leaving early Wednesday, which would give me enough time to catch up with my Angel Class, the blog posts, and my spell-work, but of course that also did not happen. Since I had to give up my bed, and sleep on the couch, I was drained and tired for most of the day. I've also got a college paper due Monday and other than research, I've done nothing. 

I feel like I've taken a bigger bite than I can chew, I'm not entirely overwhelmed but I'm falling behind. I work best under pressure, and I know I can get the paper done in no time. Stress actually gives me the kick I need to get it done. The rest, like the blog posts, and my angel class study definitely needs a push. There's so much I want to do but I'm always busy doing things for other people. I need to focus. 

I didn't want to completely miss the energy's moon in my sign, so even though I was tired by the end of the day Thursday, I decided to try a quick meditation and then I'd get on with my magickal to-do list. 

After my Angel meditation I took an uncrossing bath to remove any blocks or negativity I might have been carrying with me. 

As of the last few days, I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I know that I talk about my outbursts of emotions way too much, but it's part of who I am. 

I'm an emotional being, I'm in touch with my feelings and I express them openly. As of lately, love had been on my mind. I feel a bit lonely and somewhat disconnected from the previous links I'd made with this one guy in particular. We have a "flirtationship" that keeps us in the "friend" zone. We care about each other, we, have feelings for each other {or well I know for a fact that he had feelings for me at a certain point,} and we both know that there is something special there. Distance is the obstacle. Our flirtationship got a bit more real for me, and for a while it affected me more than I wanted to admit. Since then, I've maintained some distance in order to avoid feeling neglected. It's worked to a certain extent... 

I don't like feeling this way, and I know that timing is of the essence. This relationship is simply not meant to be, so I should not push it and I should not get overwhelmed by the fact that I feel lonely. I don't like feeling sad, and not having him reciprocate at the level my feelings were resonating hurt. So detachment and distance were necessary. 

Anyway, I attempted the light meditation before I took my cleansing bath. It took me into a dream state that depicted some emotional scenes with family members... I don't believe that it was for more than a few minutes, yet I know I was dreaming.

I was tired and sleepy and all I wanted to do was take a nap, but my naps are never really naps, they last 4-6 hours and sometimes all night.The short dream state lasted for about 20 minutes, or so I think; when I woke up, I felt refreshed and somewhat confused. I didn't even notice I'd fallen asleep, I was meditating and then went into this dream. It all happened so fast, I must have gone into REM sleep pretty quickly since that's the only phase where we have actual vivid dreams. 

I had my cleansing / uncrossing bath, and as I soaked I meditated. 

I worked on the light meditation as directed by Jess, and once again I got a purple / indigo light ... I've yet to figure out which Angel this color is associated with. I kept seeing this light pull me towards the center. It'd start off large and move towards the center. I kept trying to see what it was trying to show me but all I got was that pulling sensation. I then was engulfed by this indigo light; shapes swirled in front of me, but I couldn't make anything specific. I'll try it again today. 

I have a lot of work to get through and not enough motivation, but I definitely wanted to work some magick before the moon went into void again. 

There's a waxing moon in Leo, which means I can continue to attract anything I want to make my life better. 

I managed to tackle every magickal spell I had in mind before the moon left my sign. I worked some prosperity spells, some defensive magick and love/friendship magick. It all felt great! 

I've already discussed the different phases of the moon in a previous Pagan Blog Project post. This post discusses the best time for Lunar spell-work. Timing is the key. 

The Triple Goddess' energy is always present. We can work with her energy according to the many phases it goes through, from waxing to waning, full and new, each moon phase provides you with the energy you need to manifest your desires, it all depends on whether you want to remove things from your life or attract them. 

Everything you need comes to you at the right time. Patience is the key. You believe, you trust and you thank The Goddess for her help and soon enough you'll find the clues that will show you that your spell-work was in fact successful. ^_^

I know that my work will come to fruition, I no longer have doubts. That's the beauty of the this path, you get what you put into it, attract what you put out into the world. It's quite wonderful and the more I learn, the more I fall in love with it. 

Learning to Listen and Love with Laguz ... (PBP 2013 wk 24)

"Our future selves call us from infinite pasts, and each night are eroded with our dreams."

This week I've decided to focus on Laguz for my Pagan Blog Project post. All the information found here comes from my favorite Rune site, Rune Secrets, a study community that helps with their meaning and personal development. I'm also reading A Practical Guide to THE RUNES by Lisa Peschel. It's a small pocket book that fits perfectly in my bag of divination tools. I won't go into detail citing each entry but I am giving full credit to both these authors for the information provided below. 

Laguz, or Lagaz has been making an appearance in my weekly readings. I debated it's meaning since I'm not that familiar with this rune, and it's appearance is quite recent. 

I'm highly emotional and as of lately I've been feeling a bit melancholic and lonely. I don't wallow in self pity, in fact I allow these feelings to emerge and flow, I address them and remind myself that everything has a connection to the bigger picture of life. 

I'm enrolled in a tarot and Angel class that basically helps us develop our intuitive senses; the times Laguz has come out, it reminds me that intuition and love are in the picture. This may be because this rune, pronounced "Log-uhz," literally means water or ocean. The element of Water usually deals with intuition and emotions, inspiration, healing, and love. The esoteric meaning of Laguz is the unconscious, the collective memory. 

Rune Secrets states that Laguz is the rune of the unconscious context of becoming or the evolutionary process. It is the Rune of Life's longing for itself. 

Lisa Peschel describes Lagaz (Laguz) as a rune of intuitive knowledge which during a reading indicates you should follow your intuition closely in the matter in question. 

Lagaz is the principal female rune; if the querent is female, it usually represents her and it indicates that no matter what troubles beset her, she will be more than capable of dealing with them. If a man is the querent, this rune shows the presence of a strong and supportive female, possibly the most important female in his life. 

Rune Secrets describes the energy of Laguz as the life energy, the ocean spirit, the origins of life, the collective unconscious, the astral plane, love as unity and evolution. 

This rune governs trans-personal powers, the mastery of emotion in order to shape wyrd. 
Laguz governs guidance through difficult initiatory tests, an increase in vitality and life force, and the communication between your conscious mind to another's unconscious mind. 

This rune is about the development of a "second sight" or prophetic wisdom, all the powers of dreaming, lucid dreams, and astral projection. 

Laguz aids with the ability to develop and see with a clairvoyant sense; this rune can be used in establishing a communication link from your conscious mind, under willful intent, to the unconscious mind of another. 


"Water is the symbol of unconscious and invisible Life forces. All of life is dependent on water, and therefore Laguz represents the universal ocean, the supreme unity of all life: past, present and future." 

Without water we can not survive. 
Our bodies are made up of 50-60% of water; aside from the nourishment we get from food, water is absolutely necessary and we are dependent of it's life force.

Every living thing that surrounds us needs water to survive, this very important link connects us to absolutely everyone and every living thing, like a living network that connects us as it flows through us, water is life.  

"Water is a psychically chargeable medium." 

The Beings of the West govern this element, and guide our intuitive senses. Water is transparent and it'll take the shape of it's container, water will fit anywhere; and just like water our feelings and emotions flow through us to shine a light on whatever issues need addressing. 

As of lately, I've been very much in touch with my emotions.

These are not dooming feelings associated with irrational outbursts, they are more of an empathetic synchronicity with anything that relates to matters of the heart. 

I honestly can not help myself. Something will resonate with me, and next thing you know I am experiencing this knot in my throat, stinging in my eyes, and tears that flow freely.

I honor these emotions. 
If they are there, it must be for a reason. 
I rather feel than be numb. 
I allow them to flow through me, out of me, and back into the Universe. 
These feelings and emotions need to be released, and they keep me connected to humanity. 

Connecting with the element of water keeps me linked to my intuitive senses. My dreams offer a window into my unconscious and point out and highlight anything that may be happening in my life. 

Every time I connect with the elements I ask for guidance so that I stay true to each; I strengthen the bond I have with the elements during circle each and every time and in turn, I have a direct line with each. I don't complain, even when my emotions are running high, I couldn't, this link keeps me true to myself. It is my duty to grow, learn, and follow my higher self into enlightenment. 

Eager to Earn a Living by Following My Path... (PBP 2013 wk 9)

I'm quite excited about where life is leading me.

For a while --looong while-- things in my life seemed as if they were going from bad to worse. I had to go through many challenges, obstacles, and personal tests before I got to the point where I am now. I can, without a doubt, say that I'm slowly getting back to normal, i.e. who I used to be before my sequence of unfortunate events.

Every day, and each new experience add-on to the learning process that is called living, and I am absolutely thankful for the many blessings I have, and for those that are on my way.

I won't go into full detail in this post because it's a long and heavy subject and quite frankly, I don't feel like reminiscing. I will say this, I've lost a lot, I've also suffered a lot. I lost myself for such a long time... I was simply a shadow of my former self.

The events and choices that lead me to experience such things, although unfortunate, have helped me grow not only spiritually but also emotionally. I've come to realize that the choices I've made in the past --which at first glance appeared as huge mistakes-- have lead me to be in the path I am today.

I don't regret where I am now, because I have come to learn and understand so much about life and our individual paths and purposes. I wish I'd arrived at this place through different means, but I know that if I hadn't made those mistakes I wouldn't have arrived at this conclusion. I doubt I would've ever discovered My True Path, or the Craft.

Dreams have obstacles, otherwise they would be easy to attain.

My background is in chemical engineering and environmental chemistry. In fact, I got into UT's engineering program without really trying. People would say I'm smart --book smart anyway, because I tend to fail when it comes to street smarts-- learning comes somewhat easy to me, but of course I have to feel passionate about it, it has to peak my interest, and keep me interested. I guess it's a Leo thing. We are driven by our passionate hearts.

The series of unfortunate events that plagued my life left me in a state of doom and depression. I was depressed for years. I even considered and planned out a suicide... but that's neither here nor there. I was lost, so very lost and so very alone.

I was able to find the light at the end of the tunnel thanks to Love, the absolute healer. I fell in love, found happiness again and then got heartbroken...
Bad timing, constant interferences from relatives, and ultimately there were events that pointed towards a definite break.

This big break was followed of course by another round of unfortunate events.

C'es la Vie, right? You have a glimpse of happiness and then life reminds you that things are not all rosy pink.

I lost it all again.

The difference this time around was that I'd found the Path. Love had given me strength to find myself again; it helped me by nurturing me and allowing me to slowly realize that I COULD be who I used to be before everything went down the drain.

I realized along the way that I AM STRONG, way stronger than I thought. All these experiences have given me this incredible sense of growth, almost as if I've reached a level of enlightment.

I have lived, loved and lost and I'm not ready to give up. 
I WANT TO LIVE, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I've learned to let go and trust in higher guidance. There's a bigger plan out there, a bigger picture that goes way beyond the limits of time and space. We are living this life and changing with each cycle that the wheel brings into our lives.

You can not fully appreciate happiness if you've never felt sadness, suffering, or loss.

I know that if I trust in higher guidance I will make all my dreams come true.

I know that there will be obstacles, but these too can be removed/overcome. Like the Hanging Man, which represents my soul card, I must see things from different perspectives; I know that every problem has an attainable solution which might not be apparent at first glance. I can attain what I want, I just need to be aware that sacrifice is one of the main keys of this card.

I've sacrificed enough all my life, I understand that there are certain things I must sacrifice in order to reach my dreams. I accept and surrender to higher guidance.

Which leads me to the main point of this post. hehe

I tend to do some background info before I reachthe main point of the post, it's all about the bigger picture for me.

I feel, or well, signs are pointing me towards Tarot and the esoteric.

Not long ago, --actually, before Jess announced the B-school fundraiser-- I was having a heart-to-heart with my sister. We were discussing the reasons behind my inhability to let go of my ex, why I didn't feel ready to date, why I'd been a hermit the past few days.

I admitted that I felt very stuck --I don't have a steady job and this keeps me from contributing as much as I'd like into our household.

She understands my predicament, and in an attempt to figure out what to do with my life she asked me a question that immediately set me to tears... "What makes you happy?"

I didn't know the answer.

It took me a while to regain my composure. Actually, it wasn't until her cat (one that up until that exact moment kept giving me the cold shoulder in spite of my constant attempts at bonding with her) jumps on my lap and starts to purr ... she was comforting me!! I was crying with such pain because I felt so lost and my sister's cat jumps on my lap, gives me love and reminds me that everything will be ok.

Even my sister was surprised since her cat was barely getting used to me.

After I calmed down, and pondered on her question, I realized that helping people makes me happy.

I've always had a knack for giving great advice; my friends tell me how easy it is to talk to me, open up, how I give them strength, hope, support. I'm a great confidant, I've always been this way. This is one of MY main qualities, I am not only sympathetic towards other people, I'm empathetic. I'm full of love and compassion, I see the best in everyone because I see the potential they have to achieve their goals and dreams. I love this about me, and I'm told that it's one of my best attributes.

I like helping people. Yes, I am intelligent, I can do advanced math, physics and chemistry, I have an engineering background and I could potentially make a lot of money this way... there are obstacles that I need to overcome and I know that I will find the way once I reach them, but it will take quite some time.

And, before I can even get to that point, I first have to address the most crucial parts of my life. Like, the fact that I'm not employed and the realization that engineering is not my passion.

As of now, I feel very passionate about the Craft, the esoteric and the Tarot. It makes me happy to be able to guide others, help them figure out how to be happy. I do that now anyway, why not make money along the way to help me reach my ultimate goals?

As it happened, this is when Rowan (whoops, Jess hehe, still gettting used to it) posted the Tarot class and also my mom's friend, Marina asked me to go into business with her.

Is it a coincidence that right when I'm questioniing my life's purpose that I get such clear signs that maybe this is the way towards my dreams?

This isn't the first time this has happened. In fact, when I first embarked in this journey I got a message from the spirit world that adviced me to follow this path and I'd be successful.

Which leads me to believe that maybe this is what I'm meant to be doing?

I honestly don't know.
All I know is that I will trust in higher guidance. If I'm currently being lead towards this path, then I will follow it. The Craft makes me happy. I'm quite apt and passionate about it.

I envision myself more confident about my reading abilities in a couple of months. After Jess's In The Cards class I'll be able to work from home and save money. I have other part time options that can help me become more economically independent. Once I get my car fixed I can work with my friend teaching and tutoring in math, chemistry and sciences --which I'm naturally good at-- save enough money to get back to school and either finish my engineering / environmental chemistry degree which I could use to raise awarness about our environment / find ways to engineer safer eco friendly ways of performing every day tasks / consuming intelligently....

OR environmental chemistry / Psych ... yeah, as of the past few days I've come to the conclusion that this area of study has some sort of meaning to my life's path. I could still help mother earth and people in general.

With the first option I feel I might derail from the current spiritual path I'm following since we focus mainly on the left side of the brain... with the latter, I feel it's more of a balance?

I don't know, I'll figure this out as I go along... I'm trusting in the Universe!

I'M EAGER & WILDLY EXCITED ABOUT ALL THESE EARNING POSIBILITIES AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BEGIN MY NEW QUEST TO REACH MY DREAMS.